Article: Guy Ramsay from True Love

Morafe*, 29, had been immediately impressed by Hector* when she'd met him through work and now, after several glasses of wine, she wasn't so much impressed as downright attracted. When he offered to stay and help her with the washing-up after her small dinner party, she'd gladly accepted, not noticing her other guests exchanging looks as they made excuses to leave.

The front door had barely closed on them before she felt his breath on her neck and his hands on her waist. She turned, pressing herself into him and kissed him. He kissed her back and then gently started to unbutton her blouse. His hand was gently caressing her breast while his tongue danced over her lips and started towards her neck. She felt herself melting, but she was vaguely aware of him fumbling with something in his pocket. When his other hand left her breast and went to join its partner in his groin area, she disentangled herself to see what he was doing.

There it was: his penis sticking out expectantly, and already neatly wrapped in its latex packaging. He grinned at her – a greedy grin, the expression of a fat child being taken to KFC. Suddenly she felt very sober. And very silly. "It completely took the wind out my sails," says Morafe. "I just didn't want to have sex with him anymore. It was way too soon for a condom. I asked him to put it away. After that he got so uncomfortable, he left."

When Morafe told us, her colleagues, of this fumbled chance, potential orgasm missed, we chuckled in empathy. Mistimings of the condom moment – the perfect moment to put on a condom – are all too common among new lovers. Knowing the appropriate moment is easy with a regular sexual partner. If you're familiar with each other's bodies and can read the body writing, you instinctively know when it's time. Experience invariably teaches even the dullest sexual student when their partner is ready – it's just a question of sliding the condom on and you're in.

However, for the first-timers, it's tricky. In fact it's more than tricky – it's a mine-field of complexity, bombarded by insecurity and ambushed by inexperience. It's like the Iraq of our sexual geography, mysterious and malevolent. Much to their amusement, my female colleagues agreed there was a single factor that ruined good, safe sex – men; and this factor came in two varieties: condom-too-early guy and condom-too-late guy. The worse is defi nitely the too-early man.

As Tsholo*, 26, explains regarding the too-early man: "Some guys just have no idea. You're making out and getting naked, and suddenly he puts on a condom. And it's, like (in gruff voice): 'So are we gonna have sex, or what?' – and you've still got your panties on!"

The girls I quizzed all believe that the moment the condom is rolled on, penetrative sex is inevitable – or, at least, expected to be inevitable. An erect penis in a condom trumpets: "I'm going to have sex with you now!" It's the herald of getting laid, the harbinger of her harpooning. Only this is irrespective of how willing or ready the recipient is. It's an attitude of: "Here I come, ready or not!" It's expectant and it's presumptuous. And presumptuous, when it comes to sex, is bad.

It's arrogant, insensitive and, as happened to Hector, likely to get you nowhere. There's nothing inherently sexy about a condom, so putting one on prematurely is presumptuous. As Mapi*, 23, says: "It's a weird clinical object that's suddenly in your sex life. So you have to be aroused by the fact that you're going to get sex, right then. If you're not ready, it'll be a disappointment."

The other reason why the too-early guy is anathema to my female colleagues is that by putting a condom on prematurely, he limits alternative possibilities, like oral sex or more foreplay. Tsholo explains: "You lose so much if he puts a condom on too early. You can't go down on him; he can't go down on you; you can't make out anymore. It's all lost. From then on, he's going to come and it's over."

According to Mapi, oral sex after the condom moment just doesn't work. "Condoms taste horrible! They're all latexy. I can't blow a guy in a condom." Tsholo spells out why: "Guys never stick it in and then take it out and go down on you. That's not the order they go in. I've never heard of that happening." So why do men behave like this? What possible motivations do they have? By and large, the men I questioned have one complaint: they just don't know when the perfect condom moment is. Lindani*, 37, says: "With a new partner, you simply aren't sure when she's ready. My rule of, er, thumb, is: if there's moisture, she's ready. But that's not always the case. You just don't know."

The men complain that if their partner's body isn't communicating properly, either physically or verbally, there's no way of knowing when she's ready to move beyond foreplay to penetration. The likelihood of a new sexual partner saying: "Oh, baby, put that condom on… oh, yes, do it now… oh, please!" is, well, small.

Then there are the men who're convinced they're doing the right thing. ("I put a condom on as soon as I can. What else are you going to do?") Asserts Lizo*, 30: "It would be embarrassing to ask the girl if I should put one on, so I just do. Then I'm ready for sex." The more sensitive – but equally misguided – Gareth*, 25, reasons: "I don't want her to panic about the possibility of our genitals touching during foreplay and her getting uncomfortable because of pregnancy or STDs. So I condomise right away."

The condom-too-late guy, however, is another story altogether – and one I recall from my personal collection of sexual misadventures. Imagine, for a moment, two young lovers in a giant bed on an autumn afternoon. They're both naked and they're making out. It's foreplay, it's mutual and there are condoms available. Only the foreplay goes on and on, and nobody reaches for a condom.

He's wondering what's going on. He knows if he puts one on, it would say he's ready for sex, but he doesn't want to pressurise her. He doesn't know if she's waiting for him, or whether she doesn't want to have sex at all. Maybe she only wants to make out. As to what she's thinking, who knows? He certainly doesn't.

I threw the scenario to my colleagues to chew on. "That's awful!" said Tsholo. "He's so-o-oo too late! She's lying there wondering when he's going to put it on, and he doesn't, so what can she do? If she wants action, she's going to have to ask for it. And that's wrong, because sometimes it's nicer to imagine that the man knows what he's doing and she's in good hands. Now she'll have to be the assertive one, and maybe that's exactly what she doesn't want."

Morafe suggested he might be trying to coax her into unsafe sex. "I hate it when it gets really close, and you can feel his penis against your vagina and he still hasn't put on a condom, so you don't know whether he's trying slip it in uncovered or if he's really waiting until the very last minute," she added. Other colleagues of mine said the girl was just plain reckless, but none of them claimed kinship with her – the mind-set being that a girl's sometimes prepared to chance unsafe sex if circumstances feel right. "She's the kind of girl who's on the Pill, and doesn't like condoms, so she leaves it to him," said Morafe. "If he puts one on, that's OK, but she might also have unprotected sex with him. It could be a kind of test for him, only she isn't sure of the right answer before they start."

Then, to the surprise of all, an eavesdropping Beatrice*, 35, added: "In my experience, it goes on his dick. He should have the condoms. Why should it be her responsibility to put them on for him? It's his thing – he should deal with it!"

As for the men, their reasons why they might leave it until the last minute are as varied as their choice in socks. Says Lindani: "The moment I'm fumbling around for a condom and tearing the wrapper, I start to lose my hard-on, so I leave it for as long as possible." On the other hand, Fresh*, 26, says: "There's no sensation with condoms. I'll lose my erection if I'm wearing a condom, but not having sex. So I leave putting one on until I have to."

The solution for the too-late guy, my colleagues agree, is to involve his partner in the process. "I like to be involved in the condom process," says Tsholo. "Besides, I want to make sure it's done correctly. Men sometimes put condoms on backwards. Those break. I also don't want to be bored while he's fumbling." Primrose*, 24, sums it up perfectly: "It's a situation that requires some management. Ideally, you have to be responsible for your own comfort, so you need to give the guy some instruction.

If it looks like he's ready and I'm ready, and he hasn't put a condom on, then I'll put one on him. If he's already got a condom on – well, then, I'm ready." It should go like this: at just the right time, in just the right place, not too early, not too late, make no condom presumptions – and make new sex great!

What experts say
Dr Eve, a leading clinical sexologist, says: "The condom should be put on, lovingly and playfully, as soon as there's an erection. It means: 'I'm protecting myself' – it doesn't mean penetration has to follow. Sex should be circular, rather than linear (condom, penetration, ejaculation) where every activity carries a fabulous pleasure.

Men shouldn't be afraid of losing their erection if they don't penetrate. It will come back. They should just take it off and use another condom. Putting on a condom can be hot and heavy, a beautiful and very intimate moment. We need to create a new paradigm where there isn't one condom moment, but many."

On her Website, www.dreve.worldonline.co.za , Dr Eve states: "The condom negotiation should happen outside of bed, but this conversation has to happen. If you can't do that with a new partner, then you really should ask yourself if you're ready to have sex with this person."

Condom etiquette