from Flux Communications
Image: You Magazine/Images24

Twenty thousand years ago we were in tune with each other's silent signals. We knew who our friends were and who to trust, simply by looking at each other. Today we have all but lost our ability to read these signals but they can be a very useful tool for a manager if used. One of the easiest ways to see these signals is during the courtship dance between two people, says leading South African Speaker Richard Mulvey.

"Like most animals, human beings have a ritual that they go through to attract members of the opposite sex. We call this the Courtship Dance, and it follows a predictable path," explains Richard.

Follow this path
Within seconds of meeting or even seeing each other across that crowded room, both men and women become less aware of each others' looks and more aware of their body language. Eye movements, hand gestures and body position in relationship to each other, indicate how each person is feeling and acting.

The first step of the dance is to preen. A man might straighten his tie or brush his hair back at the sides with his palms. A woman's preening gestures may include brushing her hair over her ears, looking in a mirror to check her makeup or putting on lipstick.

The next stage, but still in step one, is to "show off". The man would show off his masculinity by standing tall and attempting to look strong. He may also stand with one or two thumbs in his belt drawing attention to himself. Women on the other hand "show off" their femininity by pulling back their shoulders to emphasise their breasts slightly, crossing their legs and sitting with their arms unfolded.

In step two, both partners will change their position to point their body, a foot or possibly even a knee, towards each other. When standing in a group, one can see where most interest lies, by looking where the feet are pointing. In a group of four men and one woman, each man will usually have a foot pointing towards the woman. The interesting thing to note in this group, however, is in which direction the woman's foot is pointing.

When sitting, a young woman may tuck one leg under the other and almost sit on it. Watch where that knee is pointing!

When two people are sitting side by side, they will cross their legs towards each other if they are enjoying the company, if not, the legs will be crossed away.

Step three is in the eyes. There is quite a difference between The Business Gaze, The Social Gaze and The Intimate Gaze. People tend not to look in the pupils all the time when they are talking to other people, their gaze would break up to the forehead if they are having formal relationship and down if they are having a social relationship.

That look of love
Romantically couples will look at each other for slightly longer than normal and break down into a triangle that includes the two eyes and down to the waist. Both men and women use this gaze to indicate attraction. This is called the intimate gaze.

It is important to note that each stage of the dance must be completed by both people before they progress. If a man moves to step three before the woman has gotten to step two for instance, the dance will come to an abrupt end, and the woman will tell her friends that the man is fast or pushy.

Once the man and the woman have exchanged intimate glances they can move to step four, verbal communication.

Talking is an important part of the dance. Not so much for the words that are said but more to the tone that is used and the intimacy that conversation may bring. In this stage of the dance, the couple will move into a physical position that bars or hinders others from joining in.

In would be normal for instance, for the couple to stand not quite facing each other, like two sides of a triangle, when they first meet. In this position they are indicating that they would welcome another person to come and join them in conversation. When they start showing an interest, however, they will turn to face each other, deterring anybody else from joining in. If they are seated side by side, they are likely to cross their legs or turn their bodies towards each other.

Step four of the dance is possibly the longest lasting and it is during this stage that mutual attraction is confirmed. The body language signals used by women during the conversation are interesting and can include; tossing the hair back with the hand or playing with the hair in a combing motion just over the ears; listening with lips slightly parted; showing the wrists; looking away then glancing at the man out of the corner of her eye; sitting with legs crossed rubbing one thigh; or standing with legs slightly parted. In addition, the woman will often be playing with a cylindrical object, the stem of a glass or a cigarette for example. All these body language actions give the man confidence to continue the dance.

The man on the other hand, is likely to stand with his legs slightly further apart than usual or, if sitting, with his knees apart. If the chair has arms he may have one leg over the arm, contriving to offer a greater display. This position is also used to demonstrate dominance, so it is often seen away from the courtship dance.

During this step, the sense of smell will also come into play. We all have personal body odours that can attract some and repel others. Research shows that smell plays a significant part in the process of attraction, and while we attempt to change our smell by using perfumes or aftershave, it is how these artificial smells mix with our own perfume that really matters.

The last step
Touch moves us on to step five. Human beings love to touch and be touched. A touch can say "Hello" or "Goodbye", "I love you" or "I understand", "Well done", "Don't cry", "Stay here", "Keep quiet" and "Mind out of the way". When we meet a stranger we usually touch by shaking hands, and with friends we often hug. I was once met by a total stranger with a hug just prior to a speaking engagement, and that is a great way to introduce yourself.

In the courtship dance the couple will contrive to touch each other in step five. This can be a "simple lean over and touch an arm" to make a point, or an "accidental" touch when crossing the legs. This touch is important. If the touch is made and then returned, it signals to each side that they can progress to more intimate conversation and touching.

The rest of the courtship dance is usually undertaken in private, but if you have followed the five stages above, there should be no more misunderstandings as to what happens next.

One last word on the subject. If the woman kicks off the heel of her shoe and let's it rock on her toes, this would be a good time for the man to suggest going somewhere more secluded.

As we can see, this is so powerful during the process of meeting a new partner, imagine how powerful these signals can be during the business relationship process," remarks Richard.

Richard will be holding a breakfast workshop on body language and what to look for during the month of September. He will be holding the workshop at the following venues around the country:

Durban, Country Club, 19 September 2006
Johannesburg, Bailiwick Manor, Ferndale 13 September 2006
Cape Town, River Club, Observatory, 20 September 2006
For more info please visit www.business-skills.co.za

Image: Megan Williams