Article: Mandy Collins from True Love

A friend of mine describes encountering a child like this – a five-year-old boy who turned a plastic sword into a weapon of mass destruction: "He was waving the sword at the adults in the room, who were seated in armchairs. It kept just missing our heads and I was losing my temper fast. Then he used it to poke the bowls of crisps and nuts on the coffee-table so that they overturned, spilling their contents all over the carpet. Finally, he pointed his sword straight between my legs and came running at me," she recalls.

"Needless to say, I grabbed him, stopped him and looked furiously at the parents. 'Oh, he's normally so sweet. It must be your bad vibes causing him to do this!' they cooed. The child had succeeded in disrupting an entire roomful of adults so that conversation was impossible, and all the attention was on him.

"I left soon afterwards and never went back. I'm sure they lost a lot of friends through their son's appalling behaviour," she says.

Her story illustrates an important point in dealing with this issue: mostly, it's the parents who're at fault if their child's a brat – and it's the parents who need help. Child psychologists and parenting experts agree that if parents change their behaviour towards their child, the child's own conduct will change in turn.

Nicci Lefson, a Johannesburg-based clinical psychologist, says the reason for bratty behaviour is because the child has no boundaries, acts entirely on his own will and has never been taught to respect authority. "Boundaries give children security and safety," she explains. "They create a framework in which to live, and rules by which to modify behaviour."

Dr Keely Owen, another Johannesburg clinical psychologist, agrees and says there should be some space within those boundaries in which the child can move freely – but there also has to be a line they may not cross. Above all, that line should be consistently upheld.

"It's pointless allowing your child to climb on the table today, for example, but shouting at him tomorrow for doing the same thing," she explains. "He needs to know he's not allowed to climb on the table at any time – then he knows where he stands. That boundary's been drawn."

She adds that boundaries are important throughout life – they're part of the efficient functioning of society. "In the long term, a child who hasn't learnt to respect boundaries – or who's never had any set for him – won't be able to function properly at school, for example. Boundaries help kids create internal self-discipline. Without them, children become adults who don't know how to set limits either – which can lead to problems in relationships, career management and all other areas of their lives. They're likely to be fairly chaotic adults."

Lefson agrees, adding that adults who've grown up in this way also tend to be fixated on instant gratification, and are very "in your face" or "in your space". These are individuals who're insensitive to what is and isn't appropriate behaviour among others, and whose comments and actions can be invasive, offensive – or even criminal, in extreme examples.

However, there's hope: it's never too late to start setting boundaries for your child, and if you lack the confidence to do this, there are many books you can consult and parenting courses you can take which will give you the strategies you need.

The hardest part of any kind of boundary-setting is consistency. Let's face it, sometimes you simply don't have the energy to argue with a wailing child about something he knows he shouldn't be doing. However, consistency is an indispensable part of ensuring your child doesn't turn into the type of little monster other people dread having in their houses.

"If you don't discipline consistently," says Dr Owen, "the child doesn't know what his limits are. He needs that consistency, because it gives him predictability – he know how you'll react if he behaves in a certain way.

"Children always test their limits," she notes. "They'll push you to see how far they can go. And if you aren't consistent – if you don't say 'So far and no further!' every time – it creates confusion for your child. Psychologically and emotionally, he needs to know what's expected of him, and that there are consequences to his behaviour."

Lefson cautions that the most important thing is not to give up, because once you start setting limits for a child, often his behaviour will get worse before it gets better.

Dr Owen has a three-phase approach to dealing with bad behaviour in children younger than five or six: distraction, re-direction and constant supervision.

"If your toddler insists on trying to climb up the bookcase for example, distract him with something else and then re-direct his behaviour to an activity that's more desirable."

She points out that the big mistake most parents make is to focus on their children's negative behaviour and disregarding any positive behaviour – for example, ignoring their kids when they're playing together harmoniously in another room, but yelling and threatening as soon as they start fighting or doing something they shouldn't be doing.

"Parents need to interact more with their children when they're behaving well and give them plenty of positive reinforcement and praise," says Dr Owen.

When children behave badly, she suggests a golden rule: speak twice, then enforce the consequences. "We tend to say the same thing over and over again, without ever actually imposing punishment."

Ask your child to stop doing whatever it is he shouldn't be doing. If he doesn't stop, instruct him again, using a sterner tone of voice, and warn him what will follow if he doesn't obey. If he still doesn't stop, there must be an immediate consequence– removal of a privilege for an older child, for example, or time out for a younger one.

A good guideline is one minute of time out per year of the child's age.
"Time out should also be in a room that's safe, but boring – in our household, we use the guest loo, because there's just a toilet and a basin in there, so there's nothing for my kids to do. Sending them to their room isn't much of a punishment, as they have toys in there, and even lying on their beds can be a pleasant experience. They need to be in a place with absolutely no distractions."

She also emphasises how important parents are as role models. "Your own self-control and discipline are very important," says Dr Owen. "Children mirror your behaviour – every aspect of it, and particularly your emotions. So your control's essential. If you deal with conflict by shouting and throwing things around, they'll learn that that's the way to deal with conflict. You have to show them how to manage conflict in a healthier way – which often means identifying the problem for them, and then talking them through it."

Basically, it's about teaching your children emotional intelligence. A lot of importance is placed on our academic intelligence as we go through school, for example, but there's not much focus on responding appropriately to frustration, disappointment or contradiction. As a result, many of us grow up struggling to work through situations where our emotions dictate our reactions.

"It also really helps to label children's emotions for them," advises Dr Owen, "since they don't always know what name to give what they're feeling. You need to teach them what to do with those emotions. So, for example, say: 'I can see you're angry/hurt/embarrassed. Why don't we...?'"

Nicci Lefson says this works particularly well if you give the child an alternative choice of activity. "If a child lashes out at you physically, for example," she says, "say something like: 'I can see you're angry, but I'm not here for you to hit. You can punch your pillow until you feel better, and then we can talk about why you're angry. But you can't hit me or anyone else."

Finally, says Dr Owen, when your children are misbehaving, it's vital that you remain calm, particularly if your kids fight a lot. If you lose your temper, the situation will simply escalate, whereas remaining controlled will usually inject some sanity into the situation.