Most of us expect our children to demonstrate a degree of sibling rivalry. After all, we've got vivid memories of our own sibling battles during childhood. But when you're the parent, it's another thing entirely.

Nothing can prepare you for the constant ongoing battles that seem to start over absolutely nothing, and rapidly escalate into full-out war. As one exasperated mom comments: "No matter how calm you are in the beginning, it's like a dripping tap. It wears you down until you finally explode!"

Experts say fighting for parents' attention is one of the main reasons for sibling rivalry – and the younger a child is when his sibling appears on the scene, the more likely he is to feel intense jealousy.

Little children are very egocentric and see everything in relation to themselves. When a two-year-old who's used to being the centre of his parents' world is suddenly confronted with a rival, his instinctive reaction is enormous resentment and a desire to assert himself to prevent being upstaged.

This is not all bad news
Sibling rivalry is actually very normal and even healthy, says Johannesburg clinical psychologist Ibet Stanley – especially if the children are developmentally close in age, and need to establish their own identities.

"They're reaching milestones at around the same time and although the older child may be slightly less competitive because he's physically stronger, it's usually not by much," she explains.

Parents often assume that children who're close in age will automatically have the same interests and like the same things, but experts point out that – like twins – close-in-age siblings thrive most when their individual needs and interests are respected.

Lizzie Kock, a final-year psychology student at the University of Stellenbosch, has a special interest in sibling rivalry. She points out that parents are a source of survival for kids. "Children regard any attention as good. Even negative attention, such as their parents yelling at them, is better than no attention," she says.

She adds that children also usually don't grasp age differences and the needs associated with them. "A five-year-old, for instance, won't necessarily understand that his two-year-old sister may need more supervision from their mom, so he may deliberately try to compete for his mother's attention."

Another reason why siblings argue is that they feel safe doing so. "The home's a secure space," explains Lizzie. "Children know that even if they do something that isn't appropriate, they'll still be loved. So they view their home as a place where they can let go and be themselves."

What's more, siblings aren't like friends who might be offended and never speak to each other again if they argue. Siblings are here to stay!

On a day-to-day basis, though, perhaps the primary reason for sibling rivalry is boredom. Let's face it, when there's nothing else to do, it can be irresistible fun to make your little sister's life a misery!

First some basics
Look for a pattern: There may a good reason why your kids argue at a certain time. For instance, children (especially little ones) can get very irritable when they're hungry or thirsty – and we all get cranky when we're tired. So if you find your kids always start fighting on their way home from school, try packing a snack and some juice for the trip.

Look out for specific stress times, like getting ready for school, arguing over TV programmes, setting the table for supper or just before bed. Then work out a suitable strategy.

A word of advice, though: do this when you're feeling calm, logical and can think straight – not when you're about to explode. Adding your own anger to an already volatile atmosphere won't help, and will only result in even more animosity between the kids.

Respect each child's space: Don't let your toddler destroy his brother's treasured Lego spacecraft. Allow your children to have their own special things, and don't force them to share all their toys. Perhaps suggest to your older child that he can get his special things out when the younger one's having a nap.

Don't try to force togetherness. Although siblings usually are friends and cohorts – to an extent – don't force them onto each other. Allow each child the space to be alone – especially if they share a bedroom.

Strategies for survival
Sibling rivalry is a part of normal family life. The good news is that you'll survive it – but it helps to have a few strategies up your sleeve. Strategy No 1: The three-part-plan
US child psychologist Anthony Wolf, author of Mom, Jason's Breathing on Me! The Solution to Sibling Bickering (Random House, R102, Buy your copy here), says this three-part-plan works because it gets rid of the main cause of sibling rivalry – trying to get a parent on your side.

1. Don't take sides. "Never intervene on one side or the other unless there's possible harm – which doesn't mean only pain," advises Wolf. He says if the squabbling doesn't stop, then separation becomes necessary. "The separation can take any form, as long as the children are no longer together. And don't worry too much about fairness. Speed, not fairness, is your main aim."

Wolf adds that deciding when the children will be allowed back together is open to debate. "Basically, it's when you judge that things have calmed down enough to trust them being together again without immediately resuming squabbling.

If they do immediately start fighting again, they obviously have to be separated again. But they get the message that this is standard policy. Squabbling – if it reaches a certain decibel level – produces swift parental intervention and separation."

Wolf says children learn to self-monitor their behaviour as a result of this strategy. They know that if they get out of control, their parents will step in and separate them. But, he warns, even with self- monitoring, on rainy, boring, non-school days, you may have to carry out this step repeatedly!

2. Act fast (or not at all). Intervene as soon as you start to get irritated, advises Wolf. "Don't wait to get angry and lose your temper." However, he stresses, not all sibling bickering is bad. "It can get noisy, but if you always step in and put a stop to it, how will your children ever learn to work through anything on their own?"

He believes bickering is only bad if it leads to injury or damage, or if it intrudes on the peace of others. "There are certain very real advantages to allowing sibling bickering to play itself out – at least some of the time.

"One obvious advantage is that children get practice in dealing with disagreements. How hard to push, when to back off – even strategies for compromise."

3. Don't listen – ever. The only exception, he says, is if there's potential harm to one of the children. "The rule is that you don't get involved in their arguments: you have no interest in hearing about their bickering. However, this doesn't mean you can't offer love, understanding and sympathy. It's never bad to validate their feelings, by saying: 'I understand how you feel/Gosh, that must be frustrating/You must be really angry!'

But the underlying point is that it's their problem to sort out." Wolf says because children have a normal craving for their parents' attention, "as soon as you become part of the equation, any rational, interested- in-possibly-working-on-resolutions part of a child disappears from the scene.

Eliminating parents as part of the sibling bickering equation allows children to work out solutions on their own. Otherwise the bickering becomes part of something else altogether – seeing who can get as much of you as possible."

Strategy No 2: Communicating clearly in the heat of the moment
"The underlying concept of this strategy assumes that when children are angry, they don't communicate clearly," says Ibet Stanley. "It provides a framework for resolving conflict and frustration in a way that builds, rather than tears down, relationships. It allows anger to be expressed in a safe, healthy, conflict-reducing manner."

Here are some guidelines to teach your kids about communicating clearly when they're arguing:

Don't use underhanded tactics: These include hitting, pushing, kicking, scratching, biting (anything that's physical), blaming, name-calling, not listening, taking revenge, making excuses and not taking responsibility. They put people on the defensive and cause conflict to escalate.

Take time out to cool down: Find acceptable ways to cool down such as taking a walk, screaming into a pillow or calling a friend.

Identify the problem: A child should learn to ask: "What's really bothering me?", "What do I really want out of this?" and "What does the other person want?" Let each child involved state the problem from his own point of view.

Focus on the problem: Conflicts can have many traps. If one child uses an underhanded tactic, the other shouldn't be side-tracked into steering away from the issue at hand.

Listen with an open mind: One child shouldn't interrupt the other or put words in their mouth.

Treat each other with respect: Both children must take responsibility for their actions and avoid blaming each other for things they themselves caused.

It may be difficult to teach your children these principles, but if you explain them to your kids – preferably at a time when they're not fighting! – and even get them to role-play an argument and apply these rules, it can help limit conflict in the future.

It's also essential that you and your husband or partner observe the same rules during your own arguments, so that your children see you practising what you preach. If you and he slam doors, yell, swear, blame, physically attack each other and throw dishes around when you argue, you're giving your kids a message that this is acceptable behaviour during conflict.

Experts also stress that parents should provide a unified front when it comes to dealing with sibling rivalry. If you're going to set boundaries, then both of you need to take responsibility for enforcing them. If all else fails, though, take heart: one day your kids will be faced with their own squabbling children – and they'll come to you for advice!

Do you have a problem with your kids when it comes to rivalry? How do you deal with it? Tell us in the comment box below.