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Stop worrying about the time you don't spend with your children and make the most of the time you do...
Article: Adele Hamilton from FAIRLADY
Image: Baba & Kleuter
'Mornings are like a strict military operation in our house,' says Manda Bertram, mother of three school-going daughters. 'The bathroom is available for only 10 minutes per person, and yes, I've been known to use a timer when things get hectic. My daughters make their own school lunch and if they don't get it done, they get fruit and a yoghurt.' Manda is not only a mother but also runs a busy mail shop in a shopping mall, and getting her children off to school on time is only the first in a long day of deadlines. 'Oh, I suppose you could say I don't really pay attention to my children in the morning,' she admits, 'but if I had to sit around and listen to everyone's moans and groans I'd never get out of the driveway.'

Instead, Manda encourages her daughters to note any problems and bring them up at suppertime. 'That's when we all sit down together – television or other distractions aren't allowed to divert us from the main objective of communicating with each other.' Although the morning regimen may seem a little draconian to those of us used to a more leisurely pace, one can only admire the efficiency of Manda's household. Whatever your way of dealing with it, for many of us the reality is that we'll be spending most of the day away from our children, and that when we are at home there'll be a myriad practical details to sort out before we have any time to relax.

Be prepared, be flexible
 A fridge calendar, some coloured pens and a weekly family meeting to plan it all can make life much simpler in the long run. Seeing time collisions coming in advance can help you find a solution. What you want to avoid is your child feeling out of control – from which feelings of misbehaviour and lack of co-operation are born.

This advice applies as much to the reluctant tantrum artist being dragged through the school uniform shop the night before school starts as it does to the teenager who needs a lift to the play rehearsal. If you plan in advance, time pressures need not become yet another stress that eats into time you have together.

If you have only 60 minutes a day together, it can be tempting to schedule every last minute to squeeze value out of it, but this can be counter-productive. Every family needs time to just hang out together. Allow at least two evenings a week when your child can choose to talk to you or just veg out in front of the television with you.

Examine every activity you've pencilled into your calendar and ask yourself:

  • Is it a pleasure? You may have started music lessons for fun but if they've become an obligation you dread, consider dropping them for now.

  • Could I include my child? Would singing in a choir instead satisfy your musical leanings, and could your teenager benefit from being there with you?

  • Do I need it? Only you can answer this truly and profoundly. There's no shame in admitting that your weekly hair appointment, although not really vital since you gave up the peroxide, is something that soothes your soul. Keep it, enjoy it, don't regret it. According to recent British research, children of working mothers and stay-at-home mothers can do equally well, both academically and socially. The crucial point is that the mother needs to feel that her choices are valid and that she should not be wracked with guilt and uncertainty.

  • Could someone else do it? One of the benefits of being a full-time worker is that you make money. It may not be oodles, but it will give you leeway to pay other people to make your life easier. So if you can pay a garden service to weed your garden, more strength to your bow.

    Including children in chores is a productive way to use your time together – but rather than designating them the easy drone tasks, try doing the job as a team. When families lived and worked together before the Industrial Revolution, skills were passed on this way. Achieving something together, be it building a cupboard or making a milk tart, passes on not only skills but also the values that lie behind them.

    'Be available,' concludes The Parent Centre's counselling supervisor Joan Eastwood. 'Sometimes I suggest to busy parents that they sit down somewhere communal and surprise the child by doing nothing. Don't even offer to play or even talk to your child. The point is that you give your child the space to take the initiative and that you are 100 percent available (for that hour) to watch, join in, stand by – whatever the child chooses. Parents report that even toddlers play contentedly on their own.'

    How do you squeeze quality family time into your schedule? What games or activities work for your family? Share in the comment box below.


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