Article: Tracy Engelbrecht from Women24
Image: Baba en Kleuter

You asked why the non-spankers weren't making their voices heard. I think it's because, although we may have been tempted to reply (I know I was, several times) we felt we stood little chance of being heard over the mob of pitchfork-wielding villagers, so we just gave up and went back home to our families to do it our way. After all, what is the point of getting into it with strangers you'll never meet, and whose minds you have no hope of ever changing? All that badly-spelled high-horsiness: "I spank my children when they misbehave, it's the only thing they listen to! I was spanked daily with a belt and I turned out just fine!!!" Ah, but did you, really? Hmmm?

I am a non-spanker, always have been. There's never been any inclination to do it, and never any need. I'm convinced that the two go hand in hand. If you are inclined from the start to spank, then you'll always need to spank. If you approach discipline differently from birth, that's all you'll ever need.

I'm a single mom to a 14 year old boy and a 6 year old girl. Well-behaved, gentle, considerate, respectful, happy children who sometimes forget, sometimes make mistakes, are sometimes moody and cross. Just like anybody else, I guess.

I've never understood those parents that talk about how difficult discipline is, what "brats" their children are, etc. Surely, if their children are brats, they as parents had a hand in making them that way? Children are not born naughty, they're born with a clean slate, and it's up to us to write on it in a way that helps them grow to be safe and sane, responsible, happy, and caring. They learn what they live; they learn what they see and hear. If the only way you ever discipline is by spanking when they do something wrong – what are they learning? Do they know WHY their actions were wrong? Do they understand the reason behind the punishment? Do they understand why they shouldn't grab their sister's toy, or touch that hot kettle, or speak rudely to their granny? Isn't the entire aim of disciplining children, to instill in them a sense of right and wrong, a conscience, and ultimately, self-discipline? Isn't self-discipline ultimately the only thing that keeps the average, sane person from going on the rampage when things don't go their way? Isn't self-discipline THE WHOLE POINT?

If the only thing stopping little Jimmy from biting his sister is the threat of a klap if he does it again, what's the chances he will try it again when he knows he won't be caught. He has no idea why he mustn't do it, only that if mom catches him, it hurts. There's no self-discipline in that, only pain avoidance.

What you're teaching is that you will always be responsible for monitoring their actions and correcting them when they screw up. What about when you're not there?

This really hit home the other morning when I had a slight spat with my son. I asked him a question, and he snapped at me, as moody teenagers tend to do. Not a big deal, but I let him know that it wasn't okay. He stood towering over me, as he does, looking at me with those dagger-eyes. You know the ones. It struck me then just how big he is, and that the time of me having physical power over him is long gone. If physical punishment was the only way I'd ever disciplined him, well, I'd be pretty screwed. There's no way I'd ever be able to overpower him now, so it was time to see if my "wishy-washy non-spanking theory" had worked. Those few seconds of facing off against each other, I wondered who would win, and what it would mean. Then his face softened and he said "Sorry mom. Hug?"

Lightbulb moment, right there, don't you think? He knows that there is physically nothing I could do to make him behave as I want him to. He knows that he could basically disregard anything I say to him; I have no way of forcing him, when you come right down to it. He knows that I am no threat, and yet he chooses to behave correctly. I still have the authority, not through force, but because he understands our roles and why they should be the way they are. He trusts me to be the one in charge.

He understands what is expected of a good human being, and that's what he strives to be. Why? Because he's been shown, from babyhood, how good people behave, it's all he knows, it's natural to him. Respect, tolerance, kindness and appreciation for others come easy. Cruelty, dishonesty and violence are alien concepts in our house.

Of course there will be times that it's more difficult. Arguments happen, boundaries are tested, rules are sometimes broken. With every new stage in a child's development, new challenges arise and you have to find a way around them. Different behaviour, different consequences, same principle. If that line between right and wrong is there already, chances are they'll make it through to adulthood okay. You just have to build on that conscience. Not difficult to understand and not difficult to do.

There. I've had my belated ranting. I guess I'll go and hide from the mob now.

Thanks for listening
Tracy