How to deal with your anxious child

'Reasons for increased anxiety include living in a city, security con¬cerns, lifestyle-related concerns, and so on,' says Ibet. 'But the biological factor plays a big role. A life situation or stressor may present itself and then, depending on your biological make-up, anxiety is triggered. 'Adults can identify anxiety, but they have also acquired some coping skills. Children haven't learnt any of those skills. And it's a complex emotion that they can't understand. They can't express what they are feeling, so they feel overwhelmed.'

It could be a phobia
One of the difficulties with anxiety in children is that it is tricky to identify. 'Children respond to anxiety in a number of ways,' explains Ibet. 'In some it might develop in group situations. They might develop a school phobia or fear of things like public speaking. It also reflects in their school performance. Or, after a traumatic experience, it may manifest as post-traumatic stress disorder.

'Separation anxiety is another pointer. Some children might become perfectionists, while others start showing obsessive-compulsive traits such as hand washing. Younger children tend to present differently, so we usually identify it later in its progression.'

Many parents underestimate the genetic aspect of anxiety. But Tasha says: 'I understand what she's going through, because I was the same. I used to shift my bed into the passage so I could see my parents’ bedroom.'

Pressure to achieve...
Johannesburg educational psychologist Anita Decaires-Wagner says it's important that we recognise when children are generally predis-posed to anxiety. 'Often these children are high achievers and their anxiety is externally placed – what others think is very significant,' she says.

Ibet adds that general anxiety is largely misidentified – you should be concerned if your child worries more often than necessary or inappropriately. 'The questions to ask are whether it's affecting your child's functioning at school, in the social sphere, academically. Is he/she having nightmares, disturbed sleep? Other signs include concentration problems, bed-wetting and being overly clingy. Negative self-statements and decreased self-confidence are also pointers, and sometimes anxiety looks like ADHD.'

Have your child assessed
If any of those symptoms ring bells, consider having your child assessed by a psychologist and pursue treatment if necessary – Ibet says a child's confidence can be affected if the anxiety is long-standing and untreated. 'The earlier anxiety is dealt with, the better. Also, solid progress the first time you treat the anxiety makes it easier to manage in later life.'

But there's a lot you can do at home to make the world a less anxious place.

'Be careful about what you expose your children to,' says Anita. 'Don't be lax about what they watch. Visual images are very powerful to children, and an anxious child should never be exposed to violent images. If you think something might be too scary, watch it on your own first. Don't use the TV as a babysitter, and DVDs must be pre-selected. Older movies are often less anxiety causing, because they don't flicker as much – the images are more stable.'

Facing their fears
But Ibet adds that children should also be encouraged to face their fears. 'Don't allow them to avoid [anxiety-inducing] situations either, she cautions. 'It makes them harder to face the next time, because they think, "I didn't manage that." You need to expose them gradually to the feared situation in a step-by-step manner. 'You can even prepare them by doing role-play. If they have good preparation, and know beforehand what to expect, that will help to allay some of their anxiety.'

Don't make threats
Anita points out that parents should never threaten abandonment. 'I've heard parents in shopping centres saying, "I"ll leave you here!".' Consequences for certain types of behaviour are important, but never threaten to abandon your child. It feeds into their most primal fear.'

We also tend to put pressure on our children when we expect them to perform above their capacity, or do things that are not age-appropriate. When the child can't cope, he or she immediately thinks, 'I'm not good enough. I can't do this.' Anita says the standards we set for our children should be determined by the question: What is this child capable of?

'Children need our strength to cope,' she adds. 'One of the most primitive or embedded fears is that a parent may die. Talk about those issues when they surface. Never ridicule their anxiety – acknowledge it. And ask what would help. That helps the child to feel that he or she has the power to solve the problem.'

Who says rich kids aren't anxious?
Anxiety is not limited to the middle classes, either. Dorothy Khoza, a social worker and manager of the Youth Violence Prevention Programme at the Centre for the Study of Violence and Reconciliation (CSVR), says the problem is widespread and complex. 'We work with issues of youth violence in schools and translate our findings into programmes working with both teachers and learners,' she explains. 'In Gauteng alone, for example, it's estimated that there are about 20000 child-headed families, according to a UNICEF report.' Mostly, these are adolescents who have to deal with the stresses of heading up a family – mostly in very difficult circumstances – as well as all the emotional and physical changes and challenges of adolescence.

'But kids from middle class families also face serious challenges,' says Dorothy. 'Issues like domestic violence, divorce and the pressures of "keeping up with the Joneses" are all very serious. And South Africa is a very violent society. So children in South Africa are generally fearful.' South Africa is violent. And sadly, in order to keep our children safe, we have to tell them about possible dangers. Those discussions may cause some anxiety. But you need to talk about the issues in a calm way and come up with safety plans simple enough for your child to understand.

'Give your child strategies to cope,' advises Anita. 'If they're lost in a shopping centre, they should stay in one place; if they get into a lift and the door closes before you get in, they should stay in the lift, for example. Or they should ask for help from a security guard or shop assistant. Tell them what to do if you don't arrive when you say you will. These are simple things, but should any of them happen, your children will hear your voice in their head.'

Is your child suffering from anxiety? Share your story in the comment box below.