Article: Anne Cawood from women24
Image: True Love

As promised in my last article, And baby makes three, I'd like to discuss further some of the sexual stresses which normally occur after the birth of a baby.

It always comes as an enormous relief for new parents to hear that they are not "abnormal" – or alone, in their experiences following this life-altering event. This is a very private, intimate aspect of a relationship, and therefore there is often a great deal of emotional turmoil that is never discussed openly.

Too much attention... too little attention
The physical impact on the mother is far-reaching. Not only the obvious changes necessitated by the birth process, but the hormonal upheaval as well, which usually takes many months to "normalise".

Couples are prepared for the routine, 6-week recuperation period. At this time the baby is thoroughly checked – and the mother hopes to get the all-clear to resume life as it was pre-baby! This is when the realisation dawns that one cannot merely press a switch and all will fall into place. This is only the beginning of a slow process of adjustment, which involves confusion for both parents.

For the new Dad, his spontaneous, energetic and enthusiastic former "lover" does not seem to be eager for the romantic romps that characterised the pre-baby days... all she wants to do in bed these days is sleep! As soon as the baby settles and her head hits the pillow, she just wants to get as much sleep as she can before the next wake-up call from the nursery! He then begins to feel frustrated and uncertain. He may also feel the stirrings of resentment towards this little stranger – who takes so much of his partner's time and attention.

Sagging tummies and stretch marks
For the new Mom there is also very often a loss of self-esteem, as she views her engorged breasts, her sagging tumm, and the stretch marks that have appeared... in spite of all the lotions applied religiously for the entire nine months! None of her non-preggie clothes fit – and the thought of wearing the few garments that do fit, is just too depressing for words.

Add to this the debilitating effect of major sleep-deprivation, and you have the recipe for a downward spiral of frightening proportions.

There's hope!
But it does not have to be terminal! Your energy and libido will return, but it does take effort, and a huge amount of patience. As I discussed last time, there is an enormous need to communicate your feelings and needs to your partner.

Many a couple, who have come for a counselling session regarding their marital crises, have shared that the first cracks often occur when there is a misunderstanding regarding needs. She longs for a hug and a cuddle – but nothing more at this stage. He sees her affection as the sign that "I am ready for sex again"! So he rushes in hopefully, only to be rebuffed. He feels rejected and she decides that it is better to avoid any physical contact if the need for simple contact is deciphered as "let’s have sex"! He then moves away – and regards his partner as cold and unapproachable. Disconnection slowly sets in, with all the resultant emotional stress and confusion. Not a positive omen!

Communicate, communicate, communicate
So... even though you are exhausted, do make time to talk feelings. Tell each other how this baby has affected you. Do not blame each other, but rather use those useful I-messages to help your partner understand how things are for you.

"I feel so lonely and insecure when I am alone all day with the baby. I just need you to come home a little earlier so you can help me with bath-time and supper" Rather than "It is all very well for you – your life has not changed and you still have time for a drink after work with your friends. You just have no idea what it is like to be stuck here all day with a screaming baby"! The first message will more likely lead to a better understanding of how you feel.

Although the first few weeks will probably be chaotic, try to make time for your partner as soon as you are able to. You do not need to prepare a cordon bleu meal, but maybe light the candles, open the wine – and order pizzas. This will help you re-connect as a couple.

Have a night out
The next step is to ask someone you trust (granny, aunt, nanny) to babysit for a short while so that you and your partner can get out of the house – even if this is just to go to the coffee shop at your nearby shopping centre for a quick cup of coffee. I well remember the first time my husband and I ventured out for the first time when our first-born was about two months old. We wondered whether it was worth the effort when we sat down to order dinner and were both too exhausted to talk, let alone chew the food! We were home within an hour... but it was at least a start. Do not put this off for too long – I know of couples who have not had a night out together since the first baby was born, and she/he is three or four years old already.

Finally, the best "gift" you can give your children is the security and emotional safety of a healthy and rewarding adult relationship. It will take time and patience to re-connect after the birth of your baby – but, with open communication, it can be achieved.

Anne Cawood is Women24's parenting expert. Click here to ask her a question.