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No more mommy guilt!

Are you riddled with guilt because you feel you're not a good mother? Michelle Shaw gives tips on how to get your guilt under control.

Guilt and motherhood go hand in hand. Even before your baby emerges into the world, we're often already second-guessing ourselves. "Did I choose the right birth option? Perhaps my baby would be more relaxed if I have a water birth?"

It doesn't get better either. The guilt grows as we fixate on more and more things that we're not doing "right".

Not spending enough quality time with their children ranks high on the guilt list for most moms. But it's not the only one. Guilt-inducing factors range from the day-to-day (Is my child eating enough vegetables? I need to stop shouting so much and be more patient) to the far-reaching (Am I doing enough to prepare my child for the future? Am I saving enough for my child's education?). It's no wonder women top the scales when it comes to depression and anxiety-related disorders. There's no quick fix for mommy guilt but sometimes a fresh perspective on the situation can make all the difference.

Taking stock
Simply telling yourself that you should not feel guilty is not going to make the problem go away, says Cape Town-based online psychologist, Michele Carelse (www.feelgoodhealth.co.za. She says before deciding that you are a "bad" mother, sit down and take stock. Are your children adequately cared for and nurtured during the day? Do they have enough to eat? Are they provided with a variety of activities to stimulate and develop their minds and keep their bodies growing strong and healthy? Are they receiving a good education? Are they safe? “If all these needs are relatively well cared for, then realistically speaking your children are not "deprived", explains Michele. "Try and satisfy yourself that you are providing them with stability and opportunities to grow on an everyday basis, even if it is not you who is physically present all day."

Are you being realistic?
We tend to get so caught up in our guilt that sometimes we can't see the big picture. Behavioural therapists suggest we ask ourselves some hard questions. Often we feel guilty because we think we "should" be doing something that we're not. "I should be coping"; "I should be a better mother". They say whenever there's a "should" or an "ought to" or a "must", that's a rule for living. Question it. Who says you should? Where does that come from? Why should you? Often it's a voice from our past or even our perceptions of the past that is compelling us to meet a certain standard that may not be realistic. Your mother might have been supermom but was she in the exact same circumstances as you, with the same demands and expectations?

Banish the myths
There's no such thing as a perfect mother and even if there were, she wouldn't be doing her children any favours. "Psychologists speak of 'good-enough parenting' and not perfect parenting as being the best for the child," says Michelle. Being good enough allows for mistakes and mistakes allow us to make amends and that is how we grow as human beings. Child psychotherapist, Asha Phillips, author of the book Saying No (Faber and Faber, R118) agrees. "There is no such thing as a perfect parent. The idea that one could see to a child's every need and spare him or her every pain would in fact lead to an unhappy and maladapted child. It would not prepare them for life in a world inhabited by others.” Michelle adds that parents who wear themselves thin by trying to be perfect mothers and perfect career women usually end up with stress-related problems and guilt at not being able to perform their roles as they would like to – which is not good for them or their children.

Opportunities for growth
Experts say parents want to spare their children anguish without realising that the very areas they feel guilty over are often opportunities for growth. Being a single parent, having very little money, working full time – all these things can become opportunities for teaching our children valuable lessons about resilience if one just gets on with them and doesn’t try to overcompensate.

Pressing buttons
Children are very good at reading the moods of their parents and will soon realise how to use "mommy guilt" to their advantage. "Teenagers may declare that 'You never spend time with me' or 'you're always too busy' when their requests are not granted," explains Michele. "Younger children may notice that Mom quickly takes out a packet of chips when they start crying or they may try and stretch out bedtime stories by appealing to a mother who feels guilty for not being home during the day." Michelle says we need to be aware of this problem and approach it sensitively, yet firmly. "Giving in to manipulation will not change the situation for the better. Instead it will create children who have problems with discipline and even children who cannot tell the difference between love and material reward."

Make your own rules
Often the guilt we feel is because we're trying to live up to other people's expectations. Michelle says many mothers who are away from their children during the day find that sharing a bed with them at night helps to provide physical closeness and warmth which benefits the relationship. "In the past psychologists and child 'experts' used to frown upon this practice as not being good for children. This is not the case anymore and sharing the family bed is a matter of personal choice." She says if it feels right to you, and you and your children enjoy this closeness, it can be of great benefit. "Don't worry that you will be doing the wrong thing. Children will eventually grow out of this of their own accord and in their own time."

Prioritise family time
"Don't allow yourself to get into the habit of 'spoiling' your children with material things to compensate for those areas where you feel guilty," warns Michelle. "Rather arrange family outings, spend time at home on activities that the whole family can enjoy and concentrate on family closeness. Let housework and other obligations take second place!"

Share your feelings
Mommy guilt is rampant so discuss your feelings with other moms in a similar situation. You'll feel less alone and may even pick up some fresh perspectives.

You are allowed a life too
Julie Bort, Aviva Pflock and Devra Renner, authors of the book Mommy Guilt (American Management Association, R202), say women are programmed these days to think that time spent away from our family is stolen time and that we should feel guilty about it. But, they say, "You are your child's primary role-model. It is important for kids to learn that to live happy lives, people must regularly engage in activities that make them happy. If they see you doing something you love, they too are likely to find a beloved hobby, sport, or other activity for themselves." You're unlikely to get rid of guilt completely, but next time you feel the mommy guilt creeping up on you, make sure that you sit down and count the things you are doing for your children, rather than focusing on the things that you're not.

Previously published in True Love, Subscribe now and save

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My little girl is one year and four months, i would like to know if this could be thr right time to start potty trainnig her? Would you also please give some methods of doing so without frighting her. Your help will be highly appriciated.

Thanyani on 15 Feb at 10:20

I must admit that often experience mummy guilt. my work requires me to travel a lot but when i am home i make sure that i spend enough ime with my daughter but i still feel guilty when i have to leave. i even sometimes take her with me on my work journeys because i couldnt not stand the guilt of having to leave her at home. After reading this article, i felt a bit better because i know that she is well taken care of when i am mot around and she is provided with everything she needs and when i am home we do lots and lots of stuff together and spend as much time as possible.

Lele on 13 May at 09:00

I gave up my job to take up the one that does not include traveling at all. I enjoy my new job and spend a lot of time with my kids. I am happy I did.

Pauline on 13 May at 14:23