Article: Colinda Linde from women24

Women fulfil many roles simultaneously: mother, friend, partner, employer, employee, cook, cleaner, nurse, chauffeur, home-maker ... even when we negotiate shared tasks with a partner or arrange for additional help, we still have to juggle a large number of balls in our daily lives. How do we manage this without dropping some or without becoming so stressed that we soon suffer the consequences of prolonged imbalance?

The stay-at-home mom
Most of us remember having a stay-at-home mom, who was there when we woke up in the morning (or more accurately, when she woke us, fed us, dressed us, handed us our tennis clothes as we were leaving, had packed our lunches..) and when we got home from school. She had her tasks in the home, and was also the one we could talk to when things got rough with friends or boyfriends. She never appeared to need much sleep, as she hardly went to bed before the entire household had settled, and if we woke during the night (or got home late from gallivanting with friends), she would be instantly awake and available.

The career moms
So what has changed? Since most young girls grew up, and became mothers themselves – often at a later age, with an already established career, society has undergone rapid change, with these same women in the middle of that change. We do all of the things our mothers did, just ALSO with a career!

Many women now enter, re-enter or remain in the workforce, actively pursuing a career as opposed to working only until finding a husband to take care of them, or until they begin having babies, or just working as the support staff to the men making the decisions at management and executive level. Educated women have the opportunity to develop and grow in a career, as well as higher earning potential. There has also been a marked increase in the number of single mothers who work to support themselves and their families, partly resulting from a rapidly rising divorce rate. More single women choose to have a child, and in many instances a woman is abandoned by the father of her child or he abdicates responsibility. Either way, many women work while raising their children.

The conflict between career and motherhood
In speaking to working moms, and just watching the cover stories on parenting magazines, the number one issue facing women in this group is the conflict between career and motherhood. The working mom who has a home, partner and children, somehow still tends to shoulder the majority of home and parenting responsibilities. The single mom has less choice in the matter, though she may have the support of an extended family. The older woman who has focused on her career and now wants a child, faces the challenge of prioritising between career and child(ren) on top of the search for the right partner and/or fertility issues and age-related pregnancy risks.

The G factor
Mothers who are still trying to retain their careers feel guilty about having others raise their child for part or all of the day... about maybe neglecting their partner, friendships and home responsibilities as a result of their job... or a feeling of not performing adequately in their job because they have all these other balls to juggle… and where there is guilt there will be inadequacy feelings, dropping of a few balls, and then even more guilt!

We are so busy feeling guilty – "I should be home with the kids" ... "I should be at work now, instead of birthday ring at school" ... "I should stimulate the children and teach them how to read/write/count/social skills, every day after work", that there is little time or energy to actually DO something constructive. We tend to live in a constant state of limbo – when we are at work, we feel we should not really be; when we are home with the children, we are also aware of work/home/partner responsibilities. So are we actually really PRESENT in any one of these scenarios? Or is the body there, but the mind is split into many, many pieces? If so, we may as well choose one area at random, and stay there, as we are not much good being so divided and only vaguely present in that moment.

If you have identified with the various "guilt" scenarios here, read on.. there is hope!

Guilt vs remorse
First things first. Take a moment to distinguish between guilt and remorse. Guilt is what you should feel if you have done a pre-meditated horrid thing; e.g. purposely fetched children late, to teach them a lesson in appreciating you. Remorse is another thing altogether... this is when you were so busy finishing a piece of work that was urgent, or bolting past the shops to get lunch for them, as you hadn't time to do so before, that you ended up getting to school late. There is no intent to harm, and you feel really sorry that it has happened. Guilt and remorse are clearly not the same, but odds are, you are feeling terribly guilty when you should be remorseful instead.

Guilt is a trap, which keeps you in the past and focused on what went wrong. Remorse entails acknowledgement of what went wrong, regret, possible apology, and then considering the best way to prevent the negative thing from happening again. It is forward looking and there is the possibility of change.

So the next time you feel guilt rearing it's ugly head (and the gut-wrenching feeling that goes with it), separate the guilt from the remorse, and remember – moms are usually doing the best that they can (and if you are not, you can now tell what to get off your bum and start changing, and what to ditch!)

Dr Colinda Linde is Women24's Balance/Stress Expert.
Click here to ask her a question.