Question

Hi, I'm a 25 year old lady 25 weeks pregnant. Very excited about the baby and my boyfriend has been supportive and very excited about the baby too. When I was a week pregnant I had an appendix and he was there for me in hospital and at home.

He stood by me and bathed me until I was on my feet. During that period he lost his job and since then I've been supporting him financially and emotionally.

He has a history of cheating on me before I got pregnant (he was staying with another woman) but it all stopped but recently his ex called me to say they are still together and he denied it.

We've been dating for 16 months but I have never seen where he stays. He make excuses about staying with a cousin and he does everything to stop me from coming there. But lately I've been going through a lot of changes and he hardly comes to see me anymore he makes excuses that he is looking for a job or he doesn't have the money to catch a taxi to see me.

I love him dearly but it's clear to me that he has no intentions of being with me and the baby.

I'm scared to leave him I don't wanna be a single mom without a father and raise the kid alone. I understand he's not working now but I just need his mutual support, but instead I cry every night cause there's no one to look after me. I thought I'll wait until the child is born and then dumped him but now I can not take the stress anymore. I'm scared to dump him now because I still need him. What do I do.

Please advise.

Answer

PARENTING

I really am a parenting expert on Women24 - what you describe needs counselling with a skilled relationship counsellor - maybe you have a FAMSA office in your area - try phoning them to make an appointment.

You need to look at your priorities - what sort of committed relationship is it when your partner leaves you to cope alone at a time like this? You will need to be more assertive - people tend to treat others as they allow themselves to be treated. In other words, if you let him get away with this sort of behaviour and then take him back because you love him and are lonely, then he will just go on treating you this way - and having the best of both worlds ie you're pregnant with his child, and have other girlfriends when he feels like it. This is not a mature or responsible way to behave.

As hard as it is for you at this sensitive time, you do need to put up some firm and clear boundaries. Even if he is not working, he will have to find a way to pay maintenance for his child.

I think you need to give him an ultimatum now - either he commits fully to his relationship with you, or he walks away. It really is up to you - you are the one who needs to call the tune now!

Best wishes to you - do not let this ruin your future with your baby - better to be single Mom than a Mom who does not know what to expect from the father of her child.

- Anne Cawood