Question

I have a 4 year old and a 4 month old. My toddler has been living with my mom whom he adores her while I've been working and I saw him every weekend. Now I have a newborn and it's time I went back to work. I will move with the baby while he stays behind to finish the year in creche before joining us permanently next year. How do I leave him without traumatising him every Sunday?

I don't ever want him to think we love his sister more. He is happy with my mom and we truly feel that taking him only next year is the best reason. I'm so anxious.

Answer

PARENTING

I am sorry I have taken so long to reply to you. This is a very difficult decision for you, but you have to do what is best for all of you.

Children are amazingly resilient and can deal with most things - as long as the adults in their lives are consistent and understanding.

The positive things in this situation are that your toddler is very well-bonded to your mother. He therefore has good primary bonding, which is good for his future security.

Obviously you will make every effort to connect emotionally with him over the weekends. The best way to cope with the Sunday separation is to make sure that he is aware when you will be leaving and then to say a quick, firm goodbye - do not prolong this as it only makes it worse for you all. It helps pre-schoolers if you make a calendar with him - mark the weekdays in one colour and the weekends with another. That way he can count the days until he will see you again.

If he says that he wants to go with you like his sister does, then gently tell him that you were with him when he was a baby (if you were!)and that your Mom can't look after him and the baby. Tell him that you also feel sad about it and will miss him.

Give him something special of yours to keep (like a scarf or beads etc) and make sure that there are photos of you in his room. If you handle it with empathy, but remain firm, he will understand that this is something that is necessary for now.

Good luck! Remember that children are usually okay when we are!

- Anne Cawood