Article: Tina Otte from Your Pregnancy magazine
Image: Your Pregnancy Magazine

Helping the one you love
Many fathers-to-be have shared their concern at not knowing how to be a good birthing supporter. Watching a loved one in pain can be a very frightening and disheartening experience. These feelings can be magnified, if you feel there is very little you can do to help ease her pain and discomfort. You may feel detached and a "spare part", with very little involvement. Everything seems to be happening to her and around her.

What to do, where to stand, what to say and what not to say, when to ask questions, and most of all – how to assist this person you love so deeply and help her manage her pain. "How will I know how to help her?" "What if I panic and forget everything?" "How can I tolerate seeing her in pain?" "What if I faint?" are just some of the concerns that are commonly expressed and it is important for a father to have a few tricks up his sleeve, so that he too can feel a worthy part of the experience.

She will need a variety of things from you – some are plan common sense and others will require some skill. You can be actively engaged in helping her feel comfortable and safe. You can protect her dignity and her privacy. You can ask questions on her behalf and offer words of encouragement, praise and empathy. Acknowledge her power, her wisdom and her courage.

You will reinforce techniques learnt in class and remind her to relax, to breathe and to visualise her baby moving down and out. Don't make her feel weak and vulnerable by telling her you think she should opt for pain relief, before she is ready to ask for it. She will tell you when she is ready. Respect her wishes and work with her in everyway. Help her deal with the challenge of birth in a positive way.

Have a positive attitude
Be confident – in your ability and in hers. It is important that you and your partner have a positive attitude about birth and all that comes with it. We live in a society that does not value pain and we tend to view this as something to be avoided at all costs. We associate pain with disease and destruction and it is easy to become frightened and worried. Birthing pain is not a sign that something is wrong. It is a sign that something is happening, and if she "listens" to the messages, her pain will tell her what to do, how to do it and where to do it. Birth pain is positive pain – it is constructive, not destructive. But it is also all consuming and a force to be reckoned with, and pain management often includes not only natural remedies and medicated remedies.

Accepting the positive nature of this pain can enable both of you to be more receptive to it. This will allow you to work with the pain productively, instead of senselessly battling against it. Birth is a process of surrender and release rather than holding and controlling. It is giving over and yielding rather than an uphill marathon you have to run without giving up.

Become educated
Attending childbirth education classes will help you gain a clear understanding of what causes labour pain. This can help to alleviate your fears and you will gain clarity on why certain positions help the pain and others hinder the progress of labour. As a woman moves through the stages of labour, she will display certain behaviours. Through education you will become familiar with the kind of behaviour a labouring woman will display and which is within the nature of birth. You will be reassured (as will she) that this is normal and to be expected. Understanding and expecting this will alleviate unnecessary worry and anxiety.

Say the right thing
Help your partner to find and use her confidence by saying encouraging words to her. Tell her how strong she is, remind her what is at the end of the labour, acknowledge that this is indeed the hardest thing she has ever done and that you are so proud and amazed at what she is doing. If she ends up having a birth outcome that is unexpected (an assisted/forceps birth or a caesarean birth), she will need to fall back on what she has already achieved as she comes to terms with the shift of her goals.

Take your role seriously
She really does need you. You are more important than you know. Be familiar with the suggestions and tips you gain from reading and childbirth classes. Get her feedback. Discuss options long before the due date, in this way you will know what she likes and dislikes and will understand what she hopes for her unique birth experience.

Learn about positioning techniques for comfort; breathing patterns and how to prevent hyperventilation; touch and massage techniques for labour. You may be surprised to find that there are some massage strokes that she will not enjoy during labour. Be open and flexible. The use of acupressure is a wonderful skill and she will be grateful that you know where, when and why to apply pressure. Use visualisation and relaxation techniques to calm her down and keep her distracted. Keep her as upright as you can and as mobile as you can, for as long as possible. Ask questions on her behalf and don't leave her unattended ever!

Face the challenge
Childbirth is a normal, healthy life event for most women. Yes, of course there can be problems – perhaps minor, perhaps more serious. For most women however birth is a healthy challenge – one of many she will face as a mother. It can be the most rewarding work both of you will ever do and a unique experience. Looking forward to the time of your baby's birth should be with anticipation and celebration, not gloom, dread and fear. You can make a difference!