The list

The biggest baby ever born
Thirty weeks' pregnant this week! I have survived the intense and unrelenting nausea of the first three months. I have managed the rapid expansion of my belly that came with the second trimester and have revelled in the magic of feeling my baby move for the first time. And now I've made it to round three – the third and final semester.

As my boy continues to fight for the award of 'biggest baby ever born' (and seems to be winning), my energy has begun to wane and other niggles have arrived – pelvic achiness, tiredness, heartburn and a waddle. The nesting syndrome is here in full force, hitting Roxi just as hard as me. We've gone into manic mode, making a list the length of the N1, of things we have to do before the baby is born.

I'm not sure if this nesting instinct is the first and strongest sign of new parents' desire to be perfect parents. We all want to give our children the best, after all. I have recently read, in one of my many new books on parenting, that gay parents are at particular risk of putting unnecessary pressure on themselves to be perfect parents. Internalised homophobia and the worry that others might think that gay parenting is wrong or expect that children of gay parents will somehow be unhappy or unwell, makes some of us kill ourselves trying to be the perfect parents and produce acceptable children.

Of course, we cannot change what others feel, and putting pressure on ourselves and our children is not helpful. At the end of the day our children will be just be the same as everyone elses – some will be less than ideal, while others will change the world. Either way we'll probably think they're just perfect. Still, I don't want to fall prey to this type of pressure. I think I must add that to The List… aaaaaarrrrrrgggggghhhhh!

Obsessing over The List
Besides 'put up pictures in the lounge and bedroom' which we've been meaning to do since we moved into our cottage 15 months ago, it also includes 'replace fridge and washing machine with bigger better fridge and washing machine', 'put wardrobe into storage' and 'get TV and microwave fixed.' It also includes 'have Tanya and Thomas around to dinner' as well as Jess and Simon, Ian and Cath, Carol and Jo and both sets of parents. 'Roxi's 30th birthday party' is also on the list as well as 'decorate and furnish baby room', 'have baby shower', 'go to antenatal classes', 'find nanny', 'go to Durban for a long weekend', 'learn to speak Xhosa' and 'get married (now that we can)'.

We have every intention of completing The List. In fact, we obsess about it, spend hours talking about, lie awake at night worrying about how we're going to get through it. Although we made it months ago and have been working on it for some time, it refuses to get shorter. We get halfway through completing one item and then leap onto another, or worse, whatever item we're on sparks another few items that must be added immediately. It's become the Fishes and Loaves List, the List that Never Ended. We're lost in this list frenzy and neither of us can do anything about it. Rather, we fuel each other's madness that EVERYTHING has to be done perfectly before the baby is born. AND WE ONLY HAVE 10 WEEKS TO DO IT!

Help!

Susan Newham is a journalist living in Cape Town with her partner Roxi Blake, who's a graphic designer. Susan fell pregnant after being inseminated with the semen of an identity release donor.