Article: Lynn Lister from Your Baby magazine
Image: Ablestock

"Boundaries define where one person ends and the next begins," says Thompson. "This is important with toddlers because they are very egocentric – the whole world revolves around them. They're not mature enough to see things from another's perspective, and it is this regard for others that we must nurture in them." There's a subtle difference between setting boundaries and setting limits. "Boundaries are more about an awareness of self," explains Thompson. "It's not so much about you controlling your child's behaviour as it is about being able to influence your child in the right direction, encouraging him to take responsibility and make good choices. Setting limits, on the other hand, conjures up images of power and control, of saying you can go this far but no further."

But, she adds, a parent must first and foremost be aware of their own boundaries: who am I as a person; where do I begin and end? Do I take on too much or too little responsibility, thereby stepping outside my own boundaries? And, from there, "Who is my child as a person and where does she begin and end?"

Expectations
How do we know what to expect from our little ones? It's helpful to use the analogy of a cricket game – the boundary line provides a point to the game. If the ball crosses the line there is a consequence. All those standing within the boundary must know what they are responsible for. The synonym with the child's property line is that whatever falls within her personal boundary area comes under her responsibility. It is her property.

In parenting terms, in the 12 month to 3 year toddler category, you want to instill in them mainly good character. So while setting boundaries starts off physically in terms of "yes" and "no" for the sake of their safety and wellbeing, you're also paving the way to a future well-adjusted, mentally and emotionally balanced person.

Be fair to your children and consider their ages and levels of development. If you want a nice romantic dinner with your partner, get a babysitter. Don't take your toddler on a month-end grocery shop and expect her to be the model of behaviour when faced with row upon row of exciting goodies. If you want to go out for dinner as a family, choose a child-friendly place with a play facility. Make your expectations very clear before you go and tell them what's expected of them before you leave home. Don't make up the rules as you go along, otherwise it's just confusing for them.

The learning years
1-12 months
For the first year, you are primarily meeting your little one's physiological and emotional needs. This is when you introduce the idea of boundaries ("no biting when I feed you!") but you understand the need to keep reiterating them without expecting much in the way of results.

12-18 months
Children start to gain an awareness of the effect they can have on the world from the age of about 12 months. When they play with a hammer toy, they learn that if they hit this block, something will jump out; if they push a button, a certain noise will result. This dawning realisation signals when you can begin setting limits and start saying, "Don't touch that. It's hot; it will burn you." This is when children start to understand what "no" means even if they can't yet understand logic and reasoning.

18-24 months
As children get older they start learning more about cause and effect. Now, a child may start whining and manipulating because she doesn't yet have the maturity to understand her environment from the perspective of others. She operates as if she is the only one there. So, if at this point you don't offer any limits about what is appropriate and inappropriate behaviour, she will not learn to respect others or their boundaries, and her own boundaries increase disproportionately – her ego grows bigger and bigger. Using the cricket analogy, the child steps beyond the boundary and starts swinging the bat in the crowd!

2 years upwards
As toddlers head towards the 3 year mark, they develop a better understanding of language and you can begin reasoning with them more easily. For instance, if your daughter doesn't want to eat what you've made for dinner, you must decide whether you're prepared to give her what she wants, or establish a limit by telling her she can leave it and eat it later. "If you have prepared a healthy, palatable meal which will nourish her, there's no real need to make another meal," says Thompson. "Her needs might require another meal, but yours do not. Once again, your awareness of your own boundaries comes into play.

"If she comes back five minutes later asking for the food, I would give her the meal. For me, the issue is not so much when she eats it, but that she does. Your role is to be the provider of that meal. By allowing her to ask for the meal later you have given her a choice, and in giving her that choice you are empowering her and teaching responsibility. You're teaching the natural consequence of the choice that's been made. If she chooses not to eat, she will go hungry. If she chooses to eat, that hunger will be satisfied and she will feel better."

Because toddlers battle to delay gratification – if they want something, they want it NOW – parents must introduce limits and boundaries to teach them how to delay gratification. So, if your child demands juice, do you drop what you're doing and run to get her some? "It depends on what's happened before," says Thompson. "If you have already offered her juice and she said no, then she should wait. But if the request is genuine, give her juice."

Consistency rules
As you learn more about your little one and what makes her tick, so you discover that certain conditions can make her cranky, whiny or aggressive. If she's allowed to become overtired, for instance, you know that will lead to behaviour you would rather avoid. Durban mom Ingrid Khumalo believes that a set, consistent routine is a boundary which has helped make her life easier when raising her two mischief-loving daughters Maxine, 5, and Ursula, 17 months.

"I'm a little more flexible with Maxine at weekends now that she's older," she says. "But with Ursula, it's strictly bath, bottle and bed at 7pm, no matter what. She knows exactly what happens next and even races ahead of me to her cot and hides behind it, giggling. It's never a problem putting her to bed." Ingrid also uses a time-out method that works well for a variety of issues, particularly when the girls fight over toys. "Kids hate being on their own so when Ursula interferes with Maxine's games, I warn her that if she carries on, I will put her in her room on her own. If she doesn't stop, I follow through immediately and put her in her cot for about five minutes until she calms down. Now, whenever she shows signs of throwing a tantrum, I threaten her with her cot, and it's usually enough to nip the tantrum in the bud."

Ingrid doesn't believe in corporal punishment. "It doesn't work anyway because they know you don't really want to hit them," she says. "All it does is make me feel bad, so this "time out" is the best way to get them to behave and make life easier for all of us. By the same token, I give them small rewards as positive reinforcement when their behaviour is good."

Tania Thompson agrees that consistency is all important. One of the best ways to build trust is to do what you say you're going to. While giving in may initially seem like the easiest route, "You must consider the long-term consequences, which may be more damaging than the temporary pain you experience at the time. Don't set limits or make threats that you can't (or aren't prepared to) follow through on," she says. Explain what's going to happen. "First we're going to eat; then you may go and play. Or, you can play while we wait for our dinner so when mommy calls you to come and eat, you come. If there is bad behaviour, we will go straight home." For this to be effective, you must be prepared to follow through with your threat and sacrifice your evening. Have your food packed as a takeaway and leave immediately. If you don't, you're teaching her that people don't always mean what they say, and she won't learn trust.

The reward
While many parents appreciate the value of setting boundaries and limits, Thompson understands the concern that many worry that they might be emotionally damaging their children.

"This stems from some belief a parent has picked up along the way. I have never yet encountered a teenager who was emotionally scarred because their mother made them clean up their room or put their lunchbox n the sink," she says. "It's more about how you interact with your child than what you do or don't do. You can set a limit or boundary and be lovingly firm about it.

"It's also about being a role model. If you're trying to teach them responsibility but you don't show responsibility yourself, how do you expect them to internalise it?" Boundaries and limits provide all of us with feelings of safety and security. It's familiar territory, home turf, and home is where we should always feel our safest. Establish a clearly demarcated area within which your family can operate and you will reap the benefits of an unbeatable family innings.

Recommended reading