Article: Ann Richardson from women24
Image: Jynmeyer/SXC

Discipline is not about instilling in children fear of their parents or of home, or about controlling your child's behaviour. It is rather about teaching him the necessary skills needed for self-control, and to help him take responsibility for his own behaviour. Discipline is also about establishing and applying certain age-appropriate rules. However, there are also some 'rules' that you, as the parent or caregiver, should try to adhere to! These simple 'rules' will help you to discipline effectively and appropriately.

Set boundaries
Setting age-appropriate limits is the cornerstone of discipline. Your child is still small, so keep the rules clear, simple to understand and don't have too many of them – he will never remember them all. Bear in mind that boundaries will move depending on the age of your child. For example, your 15 month toddler does not understand that cupboards are not for playing in, but a 4 year old can understand that certain cupboards are out of bounds.

Repetition
It is tough for a toddler to grasp the concepts of taking turns, following instructions and delaying gratification. These are concepts only learned through constant repetition (on your side) and practice (on his side). Your toddler may literally need to hear something two hundred times (such as do not climb on the burglar bars) in order for him to finally learn not to do it anymore. This is how toddlers learn how to modify their behaviour. By constantly repeating 'the rules' to him he will, with practice, learn them. You will sometimes feel that all you seem to say is "no" or "don't touch", but be patient and persevere, it will pay off in the long run.

Distraction
Repeatedly denying your toddler 'his way' can convey to him that his individuality is not recognised or acceptable. So, when he wants to do something that is a 'no-no' in your family (such as jumping on the bed), it may be better to redirect his attention to rather jump on the trampoline. Letting him learn to find alternatives (by using distraction) to certain behaviours that you don't allow, will nurture a good sense of independence and self worth.

Tuning in to sensory signals
Being in tune to your toddlers sensory signals (such as becoming over tired) will help you to be alert to your toddlers moods, and will help you to avoid difficult situations. Toddler-proof his environment as best you can, so that most temptations are out of sight. This will help you to avoid getting caught in the endless "no", "don't touch" cycle.

Be positive
The most effective way to encourage good behaviour is to praise, truthfully, your child for any good behaviour: for example "thank you for sharing with Tammy, I liked that". Any acknowledgement, even if it is just a hug, will make him feel good about himself, and will encourage him to repeat the behaviour next time. Negative attention, instead of 'punishing' bad behaviour, actually increases the bad behaviour as your child sees your response as a reward (even if it is a negative response). For example, when you are on the phone and your child is behaving and playing quietly, you ignore him. The minute he starts to perform and misbehave, you shout at him to be quiet. What are you doing? You are telling him that when he is good you will ignore him, but when he is bad, he will get your attention. Remember that for some children, any attention is better than none.

Walk your talk
Mean what you say, and say what you mean. If your rule is no chocolate before supper, then stick to it, no matter how fierce the battle! If you relent for the sake of peace and quiet, your toddler will learn that all he needs to do is have a tantrum, and he will get his own way.

Have routines
Toddlers love to know what is happening next, and feel comforted by daily rituals. If your child is used to brushing his teeth every night before bed, then the chance of a battle of wills taking place at bedtime will be greatly reduced.

Pick your fights
Be absolutely sure why you are saying no (again!). Try to turn a blind eye to minor irritations and age-appropriate naughtiness. So if your toddler refuses to take off his slippers at bedtime, and wants to wear them to bed, is it really the end of the world? When it comes to matters of health and safety (such as being strapped in a car seat), then it is a non-negotiable issue.

Use time out appropriately
This is a useful tool to use in a slightly older toddler ( from 2 years onwards) when your child uses a tantrum to openly defy your authority, or displays a behaviour that he knows is 'not on' (such as kicking the dog). Wait until he starts to understand that rules need to be followed, so that he understands why time out is happening. Time out must not be seen as punishment. It should rather be seen as an opportunity to teach your toddler how to cope with his feelings of frustration and anger. Once he has learnt how to cope with these feeling, he will be able to start to modify his behaviour. Next months column will be dedicated solely to managing time outs, so do watch out for this.

Avoid smacking
All smacking does is teach your child that violence and aggression are appropriate and acceptable ways to gain control. Smacking also re-enforces negative behaviour by giving your child attention. If you are tempted to smack, rather take a deep breath and walk away.

By setting limits, and using discipline appropriately, this journey (and it is a fascinating one) that you are both traveling on, will ultimately foster a sense of independence for him, whilst at the same time let him work out what behaviours are acceptable (for example hugging another child), and which are not (for example pulling the dogs ears).

Ann Richardson is Women24's Toddler Expert. Click here to ask her a question.