Can you spoil a baby?

This advice goes directly against the newborn's most vital developmental need ie to build a sense of trust in his new and uncontained world. Fortunately, most parents today prefer to follow their instinct – and ignore all that out-dated advice. However, there are many parents who feel ambivalent – especially when people around them are urging them not to pick up the crying baby too quickly, to develop a firm routine as soon as possible and generally to mould the newborn into a predictable pattern in those early weeks.

Best to respond to baby's needs
Babies do benefit from a calm, structured routine – but this should not be a priority in the early weeks. This is a time for adjustment – by the new parents and the baby. The routine will flow later. Initially it is vital to anticipate and respond to this tiny person’s vital needs. This will not result in a spoiled older child. It will result in a happy and secure child who trusts the world he lives in.

The psychologist Erik Erikson developed an excellent theory on personality development. He maintained that, throughout the life cycle, all humans need to work through various challenges. If we manage to do so in a positive way, we are empowered to move onto the next life-stage in a healthy psychological state. If not, we carry the negative aspects of the unresolved challenge into the next stage.

Develop a sense of trust
The first life-stage is that of infancy. This occurs from birth – about 18 months. The challenge for this stage is to develop a sense of trust. The baby develops this sense of trust when his needs are met by loving, mature adults. He learns that his new world is a safe one, one in which he can depend on trusted adults to ensure that his physical and emotional needs are met.

Therefore, it makes no sense to leave that newborn to cry unnecessarily. All he will learn is that he cannot depend on his caretakers to take care of his urgent needs. These needs will escalate and he will therefore carry issues of mistrust into his next developmental stage – the toddler phase.

What does this actually mean? Primarily, that you cannot spoil a newborn. If you are able – and inclined – to have her strapped to you 24/7, if you believe it best to feed on demand during those first unsettled weeks, to cuddle her when she is distressed, to rock her and have her close to you – then this will not spoil her.

Of course, you will also have other demands and duties, especially if you have other children. Therefore it will not be possible to run at every whimper – you have needs too. This will not lead to a mistrustful baby. But do not leave that baby to cry unnecessarily – if it is merely to avoid spoiling.

The gentle, calm beginnings of boundary-setting, which is what effective discipline is, will develop naturally when the baby approaches the middle of the first year – or thereabouts. He will begin to understand that his needs will be met – even if it means having to wait for that bottle or cuddle.

Avoid a pattern of over-indulgence
Once you reach the stage when he can be distracted for a while, when you know you have fed and changed him, played with and cuddled him, maybe it is time to allow him to begin to develop just a tiny bit of frustration tolerance. If adults continue to drop everything to run to his every demand – then a pattern of over-indulgence can begin to develop.

The needs of the newborn can become demands in an older baby. It is wonderful to have food on tap, to be held and carried and entertained – but the baby needs to learn that sometimes these demands cannot be met instantly – especially when his basic needs have been more than adequately met...

The most vital skill for parents during this first life-stage, is to achieve that balance between meeting the very real and genuine needs of the newborn and then knowing how to calmly and gently begin to establish those first important boundaries. The emphasis is on gradual and calm – but firm.

This is often not easy for exhausted and stressed parents. The main issue is to genuinely believe that you can never spoil a newborn baby by meeting all their needs.

Anne Cawood is Women24's Parenting Expert. Click here to ask her a question.