Article: Shamilah Petersen from Ideas

In today's stress-filled world, most of us are trying to juggle a career, a home and a family. It's then that guilt often rears its ugly head and we think that we're not "good" parents – especially when we feel that we're not spending enough time with our children.

Relax. You're doing fine. "You are the perfect parent for your child," says Jannie Putter, a mental coach and author of Winning Is for Kids...& Parents (LAPA Publishers).

"Just like golf where every golfer has a different body composition and different genetic make-up, we all have different personalities. There's only one perfect swing – the one that works for you."

Once you're feeling confident, raising confident children shouldn't be hard work. The results last a lifetime. What we must remember, however, is that children take their cue from us.

Teach by example

Gael Lindenfield, author of Confident Teens (Jonathan Ball Publishers) says, "We may care deeply for our children, there may not be a shortage of love or security, but we can fall into the trap of not being good role models in terms of confidence."

For example, suffering from depression or being in an abusive relationship can lower your self-esteem. Deal with your own emotional issues first by joining an assertiveness-training or confidence-building class.

Putter agrees with this. "We don't teach our children by telling them what to do, we teach them by showing them what to do. If you want your child to have big dreams, you have to be a big dreamer – for yourself."

Lavish attention

Most experts agree that for children to be truly confident, they must feel needed and loved for who they are. Joan Eastwood, a counsellor at the Parent Centre in Cape Town, believes that we need to be attuned to our child's personality, needs and fears.

"Show him that he's loved and belongs to you. Be affectionate; be fun, understanding and supportive. Encourage your child so that he knows that you will take care of him, no matter what."

Love them for themselves

Putter believes that we need to find out what's important to our child and focus our energy on that. For example, if you haven't realised your dream of becoming a doctor, are you living your dream through your child by pushing him into following that path? Or perhaps you have fulfilled your dream and expect him to follow in your footsteps?

"Remember that you've already walked the path and experienced your triumphs and failures. It's only fair that you let him carve out his own journey through life," Putter cautions.

Different strokes

In a bigger family, children often have very different personalities. For example, an older child may be shy while the youngest one is an extrovert. Often our natural inclination is to try to change the behaviour of the child we feel doesn't fit in with our family structure.

Says Putter, "Your child senses what you feel about him. He needs to know that you accept him for who he is or may be at that precise moment. If your child experiences that you're disappointed in him, he will simply fade further away. Show him that you like yourself and expect him to do the same – and most of all – tell him why you love him."

Set goals

Another way of nurturing confidence in your children is by setting goals together. "You have to lead and assist your children in setting goals for themselves. You are there as backup, support and comfort," says Putter.

For example, if your child's goal is to be the captain of the swimming team, help him by taking him to swimming classes. If he doesn't make it during the first year, show him how to break the goal into smaller, more manageable ones.

"The art of setting goals for your child is part of parental leadership; you don't tell, you inspire − mostly by example." This is why it's important that you have goals for your own life, excluding your child's, and that your child is aware of your goals and dreams for yourself.

Check your praising

There's a fine line between raising self-assured, self-confident children and ones with unnaturally high self-images.

"Excessive praise, particularly when it focuses on being the best and winning, can have negative consequences. It can draw the conclusion that unless your child wins, or is the best, he has no worth at all," says Joan Eastwood, a counsellor at the Parent Centre in Cape Town.

Praise your child for his honest effort, no matter whether he came first or last. Positive praise can also be a confidence-building tactic to use when correcting your child.

For example, if your five-year-old is battling to tie his shoelaces, refrain from telling him, "That's wrong." Instead, first say something like "Well done, you did that all by yourself." And then correct him afterwards.

Eastwood says, "Small children strive to be big and they like us to say they're getting to be 'such a big boy'. Children need daily doses of this kind of praise. It mirrors your child's strengths and efforts. He then concludes that he's competent. And confidence is knowing this about yourself."

Pushing the limits

We live in a world that constantly seeks things that are bigger, faster and further. If you think that you're pushing your child too far, you should perhaps re-evaluate your priorities.

Says Putter, "If you want to live life, you will challenge the world and be guided by your spirit, not by people or rewards. Live your dream. Allow your child to find his own dream – even if it may differ from what you expected.

"The results will be a partnership, friendship, respect, acceptance and unconditional love. You only have your child for a few years before he leaves you to start his own life."