12 gifts for your child

What can you give your children if you want them to become balanced, happy members of society? We consulted individuals who work with children and teens on a daily basis, and they came up with some insightful ‘gifts for life’.

Dr Vernon Krauze, general practitioner, Johannesburg

1. Give your child his own space ‘Babies are sensitive to sounds and no one sleeps properly if the baby sleeps in the same bedroom as his parents. He ends up being tired and niggly, and the parents get stressed out. When your baby is three or four weeks old move him to his own room. Get a baby monitor if you’re worried you won’t hear him crying.’

2. Comfort your baby when he cries ‘A baby does not cry for no reason. There’s always a cause and once it has been sorted out your baby will calm down. Pick him up and try to find out what’s wrong. He could be hungry or in pain or simply feeling lonely. You can never give your baby too much attention. Attention makes a child feel safe and teaches him that his parents love him.’

Fesia Kruger, grade 0 teacher, Alberton

3. A kiss provides day-long comfort ‘Kiss and hug your child goodbye in the morning before he sets off for school and again after a long day apart. A goodbye kiss carries young children through the day and a kiss at the end of the day lets your child know you’re really glad to see him again. I feel sorry for the children whose parents drop them on the other side of the road without even checking to see they reach the school gate safely. A kiss and a hug are just as important as hours of attention. I can show you the children in my class who get plenty of attention, and hugs and kisses.’

4. Listen to your child and follow up if you’re worried ‘Let your child know that he can tell you anything, especially a secret about something that’s worrying or hurtful. Children today are exposed to all kinds of things at a very young age and parents should make more of an effort to find out if something is worrying their little ones. Children definitely have a sixth sense and they can feel if something is amiss. Perhaps they cannot properly express their feelings in words, which is why you should never accuse your child of telling tales or gossiping. If you don’t believe him about “small” problems, why should he trust you with serious ones?’

Gunther Paul, psychologist, Kimberley

5. Rather ‘catch him out’ when he’s doing something right ‘Our entire society is focused on catching people out when they do something wrong. We should rather keep an eye out for when our children do something right. Be generous with your compliments – children always react positively to acknowledgement. If you praise good behaviour your child will try to repeat it of his own accord.’

6. Teach your child that he can choose his own emotions ‘Does he want to be angry or friendly? He can choose whether he wants to remain unhappy or whether he wants to do something about it. Teach your child that he can control his emotions. You don’t have to be a passive product of your environment – you have a choice and it’s important that we teach our children this from a young age.’

Prof Lourens Schlebusch, world-renowned suicidologist from the University of KwaZulu-Natal

7. Build good memories ‘Children who have more bad memories than good ones about their childhood are more vulnerable and inclined to suffer from depression and consider suicide later in life.’

8. Maintain balance ‘Suicide is especially prevalent in families where parents exercise too much control or are too involved in their children’s lives. If you are overprotective your child cannot develop his own personality.’

Esme Nel (not her real name) from Johannesburg, whose son was addicted to heroin for four years

9. Give your child boundaries ‘It’s one of the greatest gifts you can give. My husband and I both came from very strict homes and thought we’d raise our child more liberally with fewer rules. We thought he was ‘mature’ enough to cope with the pressure and responsibility. So when we realised he was addicted to hard drugs at the age of 14 it came as a double shock.’

10. Teach your child to believe ‘We brought our children up to be religious and active members of our church from the time they were little. One day, long after his rehabilitation, my son told me how sometimes, in his drugged state, the words of a hymn would unexpectedly pop into his head or he’d remember something we’d said about believing.’

Shirley Merime, Ebenezer Care Centre, Walkerville

11. Distinguish between loving and spoiling ‘Parents should give their kids lots of love without spoiling them. A happy child is one who doesn’t always get his own way with everything, who’s learnt that you have to wait for some things in life, and that you have to work for things you want. Helping with small tasks at home makes children feel useful and teaches them a sense of responsibility. That, along with routine and discipline, helps them come to terms with any trauma they may encounter later in life. Children must also know that their parents or carers love them unconditionally, no matter what they do.‘

12. Help your child to come to terms with the past before taking on the future ‘When children arrive at the centre, we have to help them forget about the past and start afresh. If they can’t they will grow up to be embittered, vengeful and maladjusted adults. I always tell them I know the past hurts but they must remember the future can only be better.’

Value tip

Equip small children for the future: teach them how to handle conflict. Have them draw situations that they have been involved in. Let them talk about incidents in which they had a fight with a friend and then chat to them about how to handle this. Teach them about feelings and emotions. Use roleplay and have them switch roles to understand opposing points of view. Make a list of insults and discuss why they are hurtful.

Did you know?

Recent research conducted among South African teenagers, as part of the Birth to Twenty project, probed their feelings about their future in SA. Eighty-nine per cent felt hopeful and optimistic. The researchers suggest that parents should foster this sense of hope and optimism to ensure that their children continue to believe in themselves and their country.