Toying with boys

I tell the younger ones: "I could be your mom," and they say: "But you're not!" Yahoo! Women my age, we want to have sex and we're happy to say so!" So says Hollywood actress Sharon Stone, well-known for her penchant for toy-boys, in an interview in July 2004 on Ananova.com. The 46-year-old Basic Instinct star has been linked to men as young as 22 since her divorce in 2003.

Then, of course, staying with the rich and famous, there's US actress Demi Moore, 40 who's been involved with 25-year-old actor Aston Kutcher for the last few years. And let's not forget pop icon Madonna, 45, who married film director Guy Ritchie, 10 years her junior.

It seems these days more and more women are shaking off the shackles of age convention and choosing men much younger than themselves. According to one of the biggest surveys on middle-aged singles in the US, AARP (American Association of Retired Persons) publication The Magazine, found over one-third of single women in that country are dating younger men.

And it's not only in the US that older women are seeking the pleasure of younger flesh: right here on our home turf, women are following the toy-boy trend too. Even our M.E.C Beatrice Marshoff found herself embroiled in a scandal with a man almost half her age.

Older woman are more liberated
"Many older women are looking after themselves today, looking good, going to gym and even opting for cosmetic surgery," says Johannesburg-based psychologist Cecile Gerricke. "They're no longer looking at men as a meal ticket and are liberated enough to choose to be with whoever they please, and it's often in the form of a younger man."

Johannesburg clinical psychologist Gareth Hunt agrees." Many older women these days have had great careers, and are fulfilled and developed. They're more confident and can attract younger men easily. These days women are preserving themselves really well and are aging extremely gracefully, so it's little wonder younger men are finding them attractive."

Gerricke believes older women definitely hold a certain charm for younger men. "Older women are often more sexually experienced because they've had other relationships and they're comfortable with themselves. Many women I know have tired of their former husbands, who're the same age they are and only want to watch sport, stay home and never do anything exciting. By contrast, their ex-wives find life challenging and exciting, and have grown out of the idea that a woman needs a man at her side to make her complete."

Gerricke believes an older woman may go for a toy-boy because he can please her sexually and he has plenty of energy.

"A young man may also be attracted to an older woman because she represents a maternal figure," observes Gerricke. "She's older, more mature and able to hold, guide and sustain him. Many younger men crave this kind of attention and security."

Not always a happy ending
But not all these toy-boy stories end happily – and some of them take on a distinctly mercenary character, as Fikile*, 54, discovered after she lost her heart to a 26-year-old hustler who she thought was the man of her dreams.

"Thinking back on my relationship with Isaac*, it's hard to believe I could have been so stupid. With all my life experience, I should have known better," she says bitterly, lighting her fifth cigarette of the hour.

"He landed up stealing so much from me... not only did he use my credit card without my knowing and take advantage at every turn of my generosity, but he also robbed me of my self-esteem and dignity."

Fikile met Isaac on a holiday in Cape Town and was so enamoured with him that she paid for him to relocate to Johannesburg. "From the beginning, I think I was so exhilarated with the sex that I didn't realise how much he was lying. He told me he was involved in information technology, but he never actually worked a single day during the six months he was living with me. He stayed in my townhouse, ate my food, wore the clothes I bought for him, enjoyed the movies and theatres I always paid for, and kept saying that 'next week' he'd be getting a job.

"In addition, he kept asking me to 'lend' him amounts of spending money, 'just until he got on his feet': I forked out hundreds of rand to him every week."

But it was only when Fikile noticed huge financial discrepancies on her credit card that she realised she'd been taken for a complete ride.

"I came home to confront him and he took one look at me and immediately sensed I was onto him. Before I could blink, he'd disappeared, leaving his clothes – or, rather, the clothes I'd bought for him – behind. I've never seen or heard from him again.

"I realise now the name he gave me was false and although I've opened a case against him, there doesn't seem much chance of finding him as he never really told me anything truthful about himself. For all I know, he could be living in the Congo or Alaska by now!"

"There's often the danger that a young man's going for an older woman purely for financial gain, as in Fikile's case," comments Gerricke. "She might spoil him with holidays, clothes and commodities, and she's easily exploitable because she's aware he could dump her at any time for a younger, more attractive woman. What's more, he uses this, as a subtle threat, to keep her writing the cheques."

"There may be a problem of financial inequality," adds Hunt. "She may have more money than he does, and he may even feel emasculated by her financial dominance over him. She has to be careful of being exploited."

All part of a greater phenomenon
Hunt believes the toy-boy/older woman syndrome is part of a greater phenomenon. "Maintaining a relationship is very difficult these days and divorce is on the increase. Many are disillusioned with marriage. Women have become a lot more empowered in the last 20 years, and are more open to choosing a younger companion."

In her online article, Tempting Toy-boys (January 8, 2004), Professor Janet Askham of the British Institute of Gerontology notes that biological or chronological age has become less of a defining factor in our social identity, and reveals that the proportion of first marriages between older women and younger men in the UK increased from 15-28% between 1963-1998.

So can couples with such age discrepancies actually find happiness? "These relationships normally only last a few years before the man moves on and finds a new partner ­ though, of course, there are exceptions," says Gerricke.

"The woman's often traumatised when he leaves and it can be a very painful situation for her, and destroy her self-confidence."

Top tips for dating younger men
Gerricke offers the following advice to women who're involved with younger men: