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Are you keeping a secret?

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Meagan Karstens hoards 'em. And while she knows it pays to come clean, she's been through enough to learn that some truths should remain unshared.
Article: Meagan Karstens from women24
Image: Getty Images
Like most couples, my relationship with my boyfriend is based on trust and honesty. I do, however, hoard some secrets about my past which are neither shameful nor treasured. For me, this is simply the safer option.

But with spring surreptitiously making its way into one's life, perhaps it's time to consider unpacking THE files. What do you think?

Once bitten, twice shy
"Tell me," my boyfriend would plead, "it can't be bad." And he's right; it's not all that dreadful. But once Pandora's not-so-evil Box is misinterpreted and received with a disapproving gesture, I cowardly retreat, wishing I had rather kept my mouth shut.

Being honest about one's past should be a relief, never a burden. But if this is true then why am I still measuring the pros and cons before coming clean?

It's because I care – his reaction matters to me.

In a casual conversation with a friend, I realised that my situation isn't unique. "I can't speak about the past to my boyfriend either," confessed Carla, "without him taking offense."

And so, like me, Carla hates these intimate talks with her partner. Her approach however is different to mine. "I ask myself what I'll accomplish by revealing my indiscretions. And only if the odds are in our favour, do I tell him."

Basically, if it's irrelevant, she avoids the topic entirely.

Maybe it's too soon?
Women24 editor, Sam Wilson is wholly against any form of deceit. "I tell my husband everything," she says, "and I really believe it is the making of our relationship." But perhaps that's the difference?

You see, while Sam's relationship is mature and well established, my one year courtship is in its infancy phase and still very vulnerable.

When it's time to tell
When trying to determine if you should come clean about something that has happened, consider these questions:

  • Is your secret too big to keep to yourself? Has it become a lie?
  • If you don't come clean, will someone else do it for you? What if he/she finds out elsewhere?
  • Is your secret a problem? Is it a drug or alcohol addiction; or possibly an affair?
  • Are you plagued with guilt? Remember that a guilty conscience can wear you down and often a simple confession can do a world of good.

    How do you feel about secrets within a relationship? Do you hide or fabricate information to keep the peace? Can you think of more reasons to come clean? Share your tips and comments in the box below.


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    Have something to say?

    AngelEyes
    01 Oct at 14:53
    My fiance and I are planning on getting married in the next year. Unfortunately I have some skeletons that I've been keeping from him. We are very honest with each other about everything but I've never had the courage to tell him about my little secret.

    How do I come clean and tell him that I've kissed 2 other guys whilst in our relationship even though it happened years ago and it was only a once off thing.

    It's been eating at me for the past 4 years already and I just feel like I need to come clean with him before we get married. Any advice.

    Liz
    01 Oct at 15:32
    What is it with people (especially women) to always want to kiss and tell? Especially if it is something immaterial in the bigger scheme of things like kissing someone else years ago. What will it achieve?

    You will only make your man unhappy and mistrusting of you for no good reason. It is selfish because you only do it to make yourself feel better.

    Rather enjoy the great relationship you have. Anyway, whats wrong with having a little secret here and there if it doesn't hurt anybody?

    Thembeka
    02 Oct at 10:51
    I have quite a few secrets that I have kept from my boyfriend and somehow I just don't see the need to tell him abt them. Our relationship is based on trust but somehow I don't think it's neccessary to tell him about stuff I did before we met!!
    anonymous
    02 Oct at 13:47
    how do i tell my husband that the child he married me with, i got him from a married man?and what if someone tells him? what if i tell him and he starts having affairs because i did have an affair with a married man?.This is killing me.he asked me and i told him that the baby's father decided to marry someone which is not true. the truth is i knew he was married.
    Judy
    03 Oct at 13:10
    Some things, like the actual number of men you've slept with before him, should always remain a secret.
    mike
    04 Oct at 13:54
    Secrets are like splinters, even the small little ones will start to fester and eventually they will come out and then they will be far more unpleasant to deal with. A relationship that is worth having, is one that can weather the storms of honesty. If you can't truly be yourself in a relationship and absolutely honest about, who you were in the past and who you are now, then maybe you should be questioning whether the relationship is right. A person who actually loves you will also accept that you are not perfect and should be prepared to extend that grace to you. I have been married to a wonderful women for 15 years and one of the greatest gifts she has given me is her absolute honesty and I in turn can be absolutely open with her. As the saying goes. If you never lie, then you never have to remember anything.
    monica
    04 Oct at 14:41
    meagan, I think you wrote a good article. it is short, takes to the point, is sensible...
    Jon
    04 Oct at 19:16
    Yes its true what they dont know will not harm them. Think about it, you have somthing locked away and so do I. but why should I tell anybody if it has no purpose of any source. You live once so live life. Screw the rules, play the game.
    Jon
    04 Oct at 19:16
    Yes its true what they dont know will not harm them. Think about it, you have somthing locked away and so do I. but why should I tell anybody if it has no purpose of any source. You live once so live life. Screw the rules, play the game.
    Jon
    04 Oct at 19:16
    Yes its true what they dont know will not harm them. Think about it, you have somthing locked away and so do I. but why should I tell anybody if it has no purpose of any source. You live once so live life. Screw the rules, play the game.
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