Name and shame

People used to take sex waaaaay too seriously. (And of course, a lot of people still do.) In those dark, sexually repressed days of yore before Internet porn – and hey, DIY amateur Internet porn – it was all terribly clinical and scientific. And that wasn't particularly conducive to talking dirty.

"Darling, would you perform cunnilingus on my vagina" is only hot if you're into role-playing upper crust snoots, ideally in pinstripe suits and pencil line skirts in a country retreat with a roaring fireplace and fleur de lis wallpaper and an endangered animal skin rug. Actually, wait, that could be quite hot...

Anyway, the point is that, generally speaking, the world used to be a lot more uptight about such things, which is why we invented silly slang, to humanise sex, to bring it down to the fantastic, dirty, squishy, fun level where it's really at. (And also to add new insults to our vocabularies because few things are apparently as demeaning as being compared to the human body's most intimate and pleasure-inducting parts).

Drawing the line
I'm all for using language to destigmatise hot button issues, even when the result is particularly ridiculous words like "va-jay-jay", but I draw the line at giving your genitals proper noun names.

It seems to be more of a male affliction. I've never met a woman who named her pussy (or should that be I've never met a woman willing to confess to such), but boys are regular offenders when it comes to anthropomorphising their dicks with their own names and personalities.

I did a quick survey among my male colleagues and friends and was disappointed that no-one would admit to naming their shlongs or other body parts. I know my brother used to call his penis "King Louis" but I think (I hope) that was just a teenage joke to wind up his girlfriends.

But according to NameYourWang.com, 60% of American men have pet names for their penis. Of course, the site has a vested interest in telling you that it's all perfectly normal. Their core business is playing official name registry for body parts, charging you $17 for a glossy colour certificate proudly boasting the name of your cock, koek, booty or, heck, your big toe.

The site works more like a corporate name registry than a birth certificate issuer – you can only register a name if no-one else has already claimed it, and they spurn any really dodgy entries, saying, "We feel anyone can come up with vulgar or profane names. We would rather deal with more intelligent clientele." Unfortunately, they don't supply a list of the names already taken, but all my choices – Wangdoodle, King Louis, George Lucas and Principessa, were readily available.

Of course, you could create your own certificate in Word, but where would the fun be in that? If you're vain enough to have a proper name for your dangly bits, you may not mind shelling out R129 for a novelty certificate.

After all, we have birth certificates for the product that comes out the end of penises when they miraculously combine with an egg, so why not have a certificate for a penis (or a pussy) itself?

If only it weren't for that thing that your lover would laugh you out of the bedroom…

Do you have a pet name for your genitals? If you did, what would it be? Or have you run into one and how did you handle it? Share in the comments section below.