The happy truth is, they aren't and they don't. "I don't think women are at heart very different from men sexually," says author of The New Victorians, Rene Denfeld.

"Like men, we often want crass, crude, healthy, exuberant sex." From our own anecdotal interviews with women, we found them to have an overwhelming desire to be, well, ravished by their partners. Yet men are still being chastised by a feminist minority into thinking that no woman wants to be swept off her feet and taken from time to time.

"There's a belief out there that male sexuality is brutal, harmful and aggressive," says Katie Roiphe, author of The Morning After: Sex, Fear and Feminism. "But I think that sex should be spontaneous and instinctual. And, yes, of course that's going to involve men as well as women acting in ways that could be perceived as aggressive."

"The prospect of a man asking, 'Shall I do this, dear?' or ‘Was that good, dear?' may appeal to some, but there's no evidence to indicate that this is what most women prefer," says Christina Hoff Sommers, author of Who Stole Feminism: How Women Have Betrayed Women.

It needs to be added, though, that there's a huge difference between natural take-charge behaviour and unwanted advances. Sometimes the timing just isn't right. Since you can't read her mind, develop an understanding with your partner that a gesture or a phrase means 'slow down'.

MYTH 2: Foreplay has to take forever
One thing on which many women we talked to agreed: they sometimes miss the quickie. The sudden surprise of an unexpected bout of sex, standing up or in an unusual place, is just as stimulating for women as for men.

"Guys have told me that they're trying to be sensitive and stay in touch with their partner's needs and that they thought the quickie was forbidden," says marriage counsellor and author of Hot Monogamy, Patricia Love. "It's important to know that women absolutely want quickies, too."

Here's another shocker: as men and women reach their thirties, their need for, and desire for, foreplay changes. "When we asked men aged 35 and over what the best part of sex was, surprisingly, the majority answered foreplay," says biology professor David Quadagno. "But when we asked women of the same age, their response was intercourse."

That's partly because men, as they age, require more stimulation to achieve and maintain an erection. But it also busts yet another myth about women's sexuality – and opens up some opportunities to add excitement to your sex life. When the pressures of modern living start to close down the window of sexual opportunity, try experimenting with the occasional impulsive quickie, suggests Love.

Having sex doesn't have to be a timed, scheduled event. "I know of one couple with teenage children who have made up for their lack of privacy by having quickies in the bathroom," she adds. "They turn on the shower and overhead fan to disguise any noises and have a quick lovemaking session with no one the wiser."

By the way, when it comes to figuring out how much foreplay is enough, some of the standard guidelines men use are off the mark, according to Keesling. For example, lubrication, or lack thereof, doesn't necessarily indicate readiness (especially in women approaching menopause, whose bodies have trouble creating proper lubrication).

How to tell? Listen closely. "One of the best clues to a woman's level of arousal is her breathing," says Keesling. When she's approaching orgasm, she'll probably start to breathe hot and heavy, but at an early stage of the game, you want to listen for heavy, slow breathing. A transition from normal breathing to a deep, relaxed pattern should indicate that she's ready for actual intercourse.

MYTH 3: Women share their feelings; men hide them
Every guy has one 'Girlfriend from Talk Hell' in his romantic past, the woman whose only topic of conversation seemed to be the relationship. Women's magazines cater to this mindset, with a constant barrage of articles on getting men to talk about feelings.

The assumption, of course, is that women don't have any problem telling men how they feel. Truth is, when it comes to sex, women may be even more inhibited about sharing their feelings than men are. One recent survey found that 57 percent of male respondents said they shared their sexual desires with their partners. Yet less than half of the women polled said they told the men in their lives what they wanted sexually.

"I think more men than women talk to their partners about sexual desires," says Love. "There may still be some of the old 'good girls don't' messages keeping us from being free about expressing what we want in front of our partners." Women can and do talk explicitly about their desires – just not necessarily with you. "If guys heard everything we discussed, they would squirm, stop feeling flattered that we spend so much time delving into their psyches, and run for the hills," writes journalist Anka Radakovich, author of The Wild Girls Club: Tales from Below the Belt, which chronicles the exploits of an assortment of women who meet annually and dish the dirt on men and sex.

Sounds intriguing, but the question is, how do you get into the conversation? How can you get your partner to share these thoughts with you? The answer is simple: ask some questions. Start by sharing some of your own thoughts and fantasies; there's nothing like expressing raw vulnerability to get someone else to open up.

You're likely to find some exciting new aspects to your partner if you're simply willing to talk to her about her fantasies and what she wants in bed.