Question

Dear Marlene

I am lady in her early 20's. I was involved in a relationship with a man from 2002 to early 2004. When I was a few months in the relationship he told me that there was a lady expecting his child and he left her before he met me. It was hard to deal with this info but I tried seeing things differently, however I broke up with him because the woman kept calling and it sounded like they were still in a relationship from the woman's perspective. He found contact with me and I went back to him and when I was visiting him for a weekend another lady also came with backs to visit him and I learnt that this was the mother of his first child.

But he lied as he said they had broken up ages ago. For some reason despite all the hurts, lies and deception I went back to him after each time I had broken up with him when he pursued me. What hurt me most is that despite the happy times, good friendship, good times shared and good love making I would always have with him, he always managed to drag down my self-esteem and I always felt like I was competing with these other older women that he is having and about to have a kid with.

Though times were great with him, I always expected to hear or be hurt in the worst way. What I could not understand is that he begged me to stay with him through what he put me through and when I end things he would blame me and accuse me of being heartless, loveless and had guys that I always run to if I can't support him through his cheating.

It has been a long road. I finally broke up with him when he informed me of impregnating a third woman through a one night stand during the period of one of our break ups. He sent me an email inviting me to his marriage, which I ignored.

I have heard nightmares, endless sobbing streaks, felt unloved, miserable because of that relationship. I also seem to compare all the guys I date with him even if I try hard to forget him (the good and the bad) and the dates always fail to match up to him.

I stayed single since the last break up for 1 year and half until I met someone last December. I now feel that I have wronged this person by getting into a relationship without cleaning out my closet as I now want out of it.

I need to face up to what I am running from (the ex) and move on as I have been avoiding his calls. He is married now, however he left messages for me to call him.

I finally plucked up the courage and allowed my anger to subside and spoke to him. I do not know if this is wise as I am doing all this in the hopes facing up to eveything and request for his forgiveness where he feels that I have wronged him. When I speak to him I do it platonically. But he tries to remind me of the good times of our relationship and even wanting me to explain what caused our last break up.

I can't be stuck in this cycle anymore, he has moved on and I have. However he is still in the back of my subconscious mind.

Please advise.

Kind regards and your responses are always appreciated.

Malinki
Cape Town

Answer

SEX

Of course its time to move on but you need help to do this as you are in it too deep. FAMSA is national orrganisation that offers counselling for relationships. As is POWA. I urge you to get professional support before you fall pregnant and or loos eyour self esteem completely.

- Dr Eve