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How to handle separation

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Going through a divorce or a break up can be one of the toughest things you'll ever have to do. We've asked some experts to give us their tips to help you through this time.

Article: Lili Radloff from women24
Image: Getty Images

We'd like to think that we've grown up a bit when it comes to love and relationships. Being single is no longer shameful, and the term "old maid" is just about obsolete.

In our brave new world where divorce is an every day occurrence and relationships are often terminated via sms, we tend to scoff cheerfully at romantic notions like "ever after". Nobody dies of a broken heart anymore. Or so we'd like to believe.

And yet…
Sarah can still remember how absolutely devastated she was when it actually happened to her.

"Break ups, like violent crime, seems to be something we're all too aware of, but secretly think will never happen to us. I never thought I would be the one to get divorced. I'd been thinking of splitting up for months, but when the actual separation happened I felt totally lost."

So how do you go about a break up between two people with intertwined lives, kids and bank accounts? Where do you start?

We've looked at some of the practical steps to take concerning the legal stuff and the emotional stuff when push finally comes to shove.

Psychological intern Catherine Radloff gives a bit of advice on building your new life. She says:

You will miss the rituals, not just the person. Create new family and friendship rituals to ease the transition. Why not make every Wednesday a pizza and board games night? Or decide that the family will have ice cream for breakfast on Saturday mornings?

Accept that someone has the right to leave you. Do not see love as a hostile take-over. Just because you love someone does not mean you own them. The only thing you can control is your own behaviour and responses.

Write down all the positive things about your new life and read them every morning.

Remember, divorce is sometimes the best option.

Have a varied support network. Don't always phone the same friend.

Don't jump straight into the dating game to soothe a bruised ego. Rebound relationships are dangerous for all concerned.

Have you gone through a divorce or break up? What are your thoughts? Do you have any tips or advice for our readers? Share your story with us in the comment box below.

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AV
01 Oct at 14:48

I am currenlty going through my divorce. It is a long and painful process, but everyday it gets better, not easier though.

I lost everything: my husband, my home, didn't have a job to lose as I was a stay@home mom. But now I have to find one and send my LO to creche. she is just 16 months old. I have to start over with literally everything.

Am I sad? Sometimes... but ? What a great opportunity this is!!! I have no tties that bind me - I can do anything I want!!!

Tumi
01 Oct at 15:21

Its difficult but if a relationship has reached its sell by date one have to let go, all this can be overwhelming but it cant be as bad as being with someone that doesnt care about you. I was very sad but I made a choice to make peace with the fact that he doesnt love me anymore, everything happend so fast after I lost our baby but I had to stay strong because I could have been depressed if didn't accept my loss then!

Deborah Lewis-Nel
01 Oct at 17:43

I can not believe I was married to this man for over twenty years, he is a professional Doctor, and I have worked hard in his practice to help and assist him, never once thinking about my career. Ladies!! Ladies!! We are such sentimental fools! We all think it is Prince charming, and we will live our happy ever after....! Wake up. Always keep your own financial affairs to yourself, keep yourself focused on a career! Look at me now, kicked out, with a large legal battle on the way.

MissJay
02 Oct at 11:13

Two years ago my boyfriend broke up with me via sms, before then i never thought that could happen or even that it was possible to break up with someone you ones loved via sms. (it was a rude awakening for me) what was his excess, that he needed to sort out some issues he's facing and does not want me involved. hmmm!!! i was so heartbroken, i cried for 12 whole months (Seriously) then every ones in a while he would call to find out how i was doing and sometimes invite me to church, stupidly i would go just to see him, believe it or not, he would lure me to his house to have sex and not another word or phone call again from him until he wants to have sex again. Don't get me wrong, i knew what the game was, i was just to weak to do anything about my feelings for him or control what he was doing to me. 2 years after, he still comes around my flat to have sex and guess what i still allow him. Every time, i vow it would be the last time, but a phone call and i forget the promises to myself. i am still single and still hoping and praying he would someday have a change of heart. But how could he when still gets sex without sweating for it.

mizthang
03 Oct at 12:39

i hate breakups, i always tell people that the feeling you get when you break up with someone is exactly the same as when you hear a loved one has passed on, and cliche though it may be , time heals all wounds. NB: miss Jay, i dont mean to judge , but your wounds wont heal because you havent given them a chance to... and really where is your pride, making yourself a doormat like that. We have all been through this so i speak from experience, after all the free sex he gets dont be surprised when you are invited to his wedding to a woman he actually respects because he obviously doesnt respect you. And the nerve to invite you to church, now i know the saying wolf in sheep skin is true... it applies to your man, oops sorry your ex, no no i got that wrong he isnt really anything that i can put a name to , to you is hE ? WAKE UP!!!!

Missred
04 Oct at 12:27

Thank you Deborah Lewis that was what I needed to hear!! I cancelled my subjects at unisa so I can be with my boyfriend more, reduced my working hours 4 him, what did it get me NOTHING!!!. All I can say its never happening to me again. Sometimes I wonder why do we even fall in love.

Nina
04 Oct at 12:39

I can relate MJ's experience but on my case I was the one who offered and when rejected I felt empty and ashame of myself, and I made a vow to myself when he came begging I was the one sticked to the vow I've made.. with difficculties but that was the only way to break the ties loose. Who said it would be easy U just have to be patient it is only time that heals... Galfrend U have 2 stop backstabbing urself like that coz sex doesn't substitute love.. 2 them sex is made without feelings and emotions after penetration they don't even know that U exist especially if there's another woman on the picture...

JJ
04 Oct at 15:35

A month ago my husband left me after 28 years of marriage, to take up with a woman (and that's being polite) with whom he'd been having an affair for the past 18 months. He generously left me the house and with it all the responsibilities. My children are grown-up and virtually out of the house, so after 28 years, i find myself alone. On the one hand, it's great: I can do what I want, when I want and I don't have to be answerable to anyone except myself. But on the otherhand, it's the closeness and friendship that I miss after all these years. I find myself telling my dogs about things and cuddling up with my cats! I decided that I needed to springclean my life, and resolved that I will take up an invitation that comes my way; I also decided to revamp my bedroom (out withe the old and in with the new!!), and painted it myself, in a pretty pale pink, and have ordered pretty new feminine curtains. I also bought myself a non-wedding ring. So girls, go out there and make it happen for yourselves - you are the author of your own life - enjoy writing a new chapter!!

loya
06 Oct at 10:59

well my husband just don't get it anymore,i tried to divorce him 3times, but somehow i just take him back. He is an emotional abuser and a drunk. The time when we were apart i fell in love with someone i knew since childwood, we love each other but to scared to pursue the relationship, because of my husband – controlling, abusive. I wish he could just go and leave me to be happy, been together for 12years married 8years 3kids. Dont love him anymore just want to be happy. Just decided that he'll stay and there's nothing that i can do about it. Please give me some advice can i still see this other person

Kholeka Marutha
06 Oct at 11:22

Been with my boyfriend for 8 years,yes the signs were there but just sat waiting for him to change wgich never happened but insteat go worse.ladies you can tell if a relation is doom to fail from the begining there do not be like me and sit and wait.Bette be sorry than late,I wasted all those years.

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