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Yes
Victoria Beckham spared philandering husband, David
Beckham, the red card when he was playing away with
personal assistant Rebecca Loos, and Hillary Clinton stood
by her man when he "didn't have sex with that woman".
The experts agree that an affair need not be the end of a relationship. FAMSA's Liz Doolie says, "It's difficult for the betrayed person to accept, but each person has to look at what they did to contribute to the affair. It's not that the affair is your fault, but there are often unresolved issues in a relationship that cause one party to look for excitement elsewhere."
Marriage counsellor Jeanine Errera agrees, "Infidelity is a symptom and one must still deal with the original problem. However, you must understand that the affair is not a reflection on you, but on your partner's choices. The 'offender' must provide proof of honesty and display sincere remorse, and an acknowledgement of the hurt they have caused their partner.
"Confessing or being caught may provide some relief to the offender, but for the betrayed person the hurt is just beginning. The emotional 'tank' is totally depleted after such a betrayal and needs to be replenished. It is difficult, but you must acknowledge all your feelings and seek help to recover. True forgiveness comes later; not straight away."
Sometimes
Samantha, 33, has an unfaithful husband and although she is still with him, it may not be for the long haul. "I found out when the other person got in touch with me and I was devastated. I went to FAMSA for counselling when I'd been stuck in bed for days unable to feed my 18-month-old who had to witness my pain.
"The advice that I received, which I still live by today is: it's not about me, I have done nothing wrong, I could not have prevented the other person from doing what they did. I am not the one with the problem. I must work through my own feelings of worthlessness and get to the point where I have enough respect for myself to walk away!"
Errera says, "You must decide 'is the love lost forever?' You will lose confidence and trust, but you must decide if you can put this aside." Doolie says, "The relationship is forever altered by infidelity, but a new understanding and new trust can be built if both people are dedicated to making a fresh start."
No
Joanne, 26, says, "You can't recover from such betrayal
and I wouldn't take the person back because the trust will
have gone." Her friend Penny agrees, "If he dares stick it
in another woman, he can keep it there. I'd never take him
back." Errera explains, "There are some people out there
who are completely unrepentant after an affair and if he is
not prepared to seek couples' counselling, the problem may
never be solved."
Sometimes the seasonal cheater manages to keep his charade going for months without yielding a clue. Alan Scheun from Cheaters Private Investigations says, "I have had clients approach me when they develop an STI – and they know they haven't strayed."
Being cheated on is bad enough since one has to deal with subsequent feelings of inadequacy and betrayal, but because the HIV prevalence in South Africa is somewhere in the region of 11% or 5.2 million infected individuals (Source: Stats SA, 2006), moving on is probably the best route when you find you've been taken for a one-sided joy ride.
Have you ever been cheated on? Were you able to fix the relationship or not? Tell us in the comment box below.
Ask an expert
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| i took my finance back, 2yrs into our relationship & 1 small baby, he felt i wasn't giving him enough attention. Hence his 8month relationship with a young bimbo at work, who comforted him in more ways than making him coffee. She wanted me to know, sent msg so i could see and even made him choose btwn his son and her. Went for counselling, he lied about the affair and got the counselor to tell me he is leaving. A few months of him and her doing their thing, whilst my son and i endured heartache. He came back, i took him back, i chose to forgive and move on. Although no affair (up until now), the element of trust gone, respect gone, remorse - comes in drips and drabs. But you feel worthless and you never true to yourself in fear he leaves again, or in my case he threatens too. I wonder if i had dealt with the pain, if i would of moved on to better things. I grew up thinking my mom should not have put up with my dads problems, but when you face them, you deal with them differently from what you say. i think you need to be true to yourself, your morals, your dignity and set boundaries THAT YOU STICK TO, otherwise i dont believe there is hope. | ||
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| REJECTED & HURT 33 YRS on 25 Jul at 14:17 |
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| My man het ook so paar jaar gelede 'n verhouding met sy beste vriend se vrou gehad, na baie wroegings het ek die beste genesing gekry deur dit ook aan hom te doen. Hy weet nie daarvan nie - maar ek en sy beste vriend het nou al meer as 'n jaar 'n verhouding - hy behandel my soos goud, en ek voel weer vrou! Lelik maar waar! | ||
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| Sarie on 25 Jul at 14:36 |
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| I have a very close female friend who has been married for 9 years with 2 small children. A year ago she found out through blood tests for an insurance policy that her husband had cheated on her as his test results came back HIV positive. She was and still is completely devastated but has not left him and says she wont leave him as she loves him and couldn't imagine a life without him. And so life just goes on. Very scary | ||
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| Marisa on 25 Jul at 14:55 |
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| My husband cheated on me. I did not catch him red-handed, but his sudden change in behaviour, SMS's from a young girl he works with and eventually a conversation I had with her was enough proof that he was emotionally detached from me and the family unit. His focus lay elsewhere (even if he wasn't sleeping with her as he claims). He is still denying everything, I wish he'd be a man and confess to his mistakes. I kicked him out immediately and divorce proceedings are well underway. I will struggle to ever forgive him for what he's done to me and to our 13 month old son. What a dog - I hope he feels his little fling was worth losing a home, a family, a wife, a son and a life and it's costing him an absolute fortune. Good riddens. | ||
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| Alison on 25 Jul at 14:57 |
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| My husband of 12years decided to get in contact with a girl that he was in love with in high school behind my back, calls, sometimes seven in a day, constant smsing on top of the calls and secret "coffee" meetings, even took her and her son out for lunch, started paying too much attention to himself and forgot about everything else, wow he was the man! Conversations I overheard him have with his family on how he was going to leave me and how beautiful she is and that she was the one he should of married - ripped me to pieces, he denies that anything happened, blames our marriage and relationship - I became an alcoholic, perscription pill addict, husband abuser, tried suicide (my poor son witnessing most of it) - eventually a year later, things seem to be getting betta - still cant say whether I want to be with him or not, have lost all respect for him, some days are good, majority not, - would break my sons heart if we had to split up - Funny tho how the "other woman" walks away, carries on with her life unaffected - would luv to rip her to pieces!!! | ||
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| Been There on 25 Jul at 15:46 |
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| I CAN FEEL THAT MY HUSBAND IS CHEATING, HE IS IN A DISTANCE AND HE DOESNT WANT ME TO TOUCH HIS CELL PHONE BUT I DO NOT WANT TO GIVE HIM THE BENEFIT OF HURTING ME, HE HASNT DONE ANYTHING THAT I CAN POINT AT THE MOMENT BUT I CAN FEEL BECAUSE HE NO LONGER WANT TO GO WITH US ANYWHERE, HE WILL JUST GO TO THE SHOP AND COME BACK MAYBE AFTER 3 HOURS EVEN WHEN MY LITTLE ONE CRIES WANTING TO GO WITH HIM, HE WONT AND THE WORST THING IS THAT I DO NOT WANT ANYONE TO KNOW THAT I AM NOT HAPPY, I AM HURTING SO MUCH THAT I DO NOT WANT HIM TO TOUCH ME, BUT I THINK HE DOES NOT CARE WHETHER I TOUCH HIM OR NOT, SOMETIMES I WAKE UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT AND THINK ABOUT WHAT HE IS DOING TO ME AND I AM TRYING MY BEST TO FIND THE SOLUTION, I RAISE MY FIRST CHILD ALONE AND I DIDNT WANT TO RAISE THE SECOND ONE LIKE THAT, SHE IS HAPPY AND I AM SCARED THAT AS SOON AS I FOUND OUT THAT HE IS REALLY CHEATING TO ME I MIGHT BE LEFT WITH NO CHOICE BUT TO BREAK MY CHILDS HEART . BUT AT THE MOMENT I AM QUET BECAUSE EVERYTIME I ASK HIM HE JUST SHOUT AT ME SO ALL IAM DOING I AM JUST HURTING ALONE | ||
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| FEELING IT on 25 Jul at 16:20 |
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| To all women betrayed by partners. It's easy to say forgive or the other way round. For all I know, you can be betrayed and still manage to love him despite the pain his caused you. You can forget all about the past and move on Or refuse to accept the past and move away from him. The decision is tough and it's up to you to decide on how you want to deal with it. Remember separation could also cause you the second pain. That is: 1. to deal with the infidelity 2. The separation. As far as I'm concerned if you can let the bygones be the bygones and move on with life, so be it PROVIDED he accept his mistakes and commit to your relationship. IF NOT, he is not worth your tears, leave him immediately. | ||
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| Brenda on 25 Jul at 16:25 |
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| Im engaged to my partner of 4 yrs. Like most women I've also had my share of emotional beatings. Not that Im making excuses but all relationships need a little remodelling to be stable. Women are the strength of humanity that is why God made us so tolerant an forgiving. I say if your heart still yearns for the person then stay and try to make things work for as long as you can. | ||
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| Angel on 25 Jul at 16:30 |
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| My marriage lasted, with a few ups and downs, until my husband passed away. I know quite a few marriages that survived infidelity and would like to say three things: 1. Children are not a reason to stay together, but enough of a reason to try everything possible to save your marriage. 2. You may find another partner and later discover that he also cheated on his former partner. It may be better to find out the reasons for the infidelity and start over with the partner you already have. You must, however, be prepared to forgive the infidelity and be committed to saving the marriage. 3. I do not for one moment entertain the idea that women are or should be less "important" than a man in a relationship, but woman should realise that happiness in the home depends more on the woman than on the man. If you make the home a place where the man in your life feel happy and relaxed, it is unlikely that he will look for entertainment elsewhere. It is in your power to make your home the place where your man likes to be more than anywhere else. Finally, I know one man who has had numerous sexual relationships with other women during his 30 years of marriage. I doubt whether he will ever leave his wife and does everything possible to keep the truth from her, but she always knows and I think that she has accepted that he will always cheat on her. | ||
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| Maryn on 25 Jul at 16:57 |
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| My ex-boyfriend of 3 years cheated on me a year into our relationship(well the only time i know about) and i forgave him and then the cycle began until i decided to leave his triffling behind. he was one of those people who cheated for the thrill and not because he was unhappy. he liked the adrenaline of the whole undercover love affair! the last straw was when he cheated with a woman 11 years his senior... | ||
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| My story on 26 Jul at 07:33 |
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