Article: Lisa Lazarus from SHAPE

Love feels like silver foil touching a filling: electrifying. Or winning the lottery: un­­believable. Or drinking ice-cold water after a long, hot run: utterly satisfying. But how much of ourselves should we sacrifice for love?

Maxine has been with Bill for just over a year. One night, drunk, she revealed that she'd always fantasised about making love with her wrists tied to the headboard above her bed.

Bill's eyes glowed while admitting to having "rather a thing for bondage". This teasing love-play developed rapidly, unlocking the dark side of her partner's psyche.

Now every time they have sex he insists on elaborate bondage routines, coupled with calling her humiliating names. He tells her that only this type of sex turns him on. It doesn't do much for her anymore; sometimes she finds it scary – but she loves him. Should she leave him?

There are a number of warning signs that you're sacrificing too much of yourself for your relationship. They include:

1. Do you still participate in your favourite activities?

Kelly has a flair for decorating. She likes to spend her weekends checking out trends and colours in the décor shops. But her boyfriend Brian enjoys deep-sea diving, preferring to be underwater for most of his leisure time.

Kelly now spends most of her weekends away from home, in the car, waiting for Brian to finish his dive.

Write down your favourite interests. Are you still engaging in them? If not, there's a problem – you're handing over too much of yourself to your significant other.

Look at what is preventing you from being alone. Gina says, "I don't like Marc to go social cycling without me. His group is such a close bunch that I imagine him chatting up another girl. I can't bear it. I get so anxious".

Obviously, she feels insecure in her relationship with Marc, which makes it difficult for her to be without him. If you feel insecure about letting your partner out of your sight, then you need to assess whether your fear is reality-based.

Is Marc really chatting up other women when he is away from Gina? Or does she have difficulty trusting that someone could really like her and be committed?

Reality-based fears have easier solutions. In this case, dump him. More complex, internal conflicts involving trust and self-esteem would best be dealt with by a professional, like a psychologist or a couple therapist.

2. As a couple, do you almost in­variably socialise with his friends and family?

Do you only see your friends when you bump into them in the shopping centre? You shouldn't. Your visits with friends and family should be evenly balanced. You're sacrificing too much of yourself if your friends have become fond but distant memories.

3. When you met him, you didn't support the death penalty, but he feels passionately about his "hang 'em high" attitude.

The first time these value systems clashed it was as though your differing opinions created an invisible barrier between you. This scared you. Now, some time later, you find that your opinions have steadily inched their way towards his.

You think the way he does and it makes you feel much closer. Birgit Schreiber, a senior psychologist at the University of Cape Town, says you should consider why you are not maintaining your own boundaries.

It's important to appreciate the separateness of the other person, says Schreiber. It comes down to self-esteem: "A person in possession of this quality appreciates the self and does not need to assume the identity of another person."

In every relationship there is some enmeshment. Your man feels fervently about Medieval architecture; over time you come to feel some enthusiasm about the topic yourself. That's natural, and part of the joy of an intimate relationship: seeing the world through your partner's eyes.

But think about that which used to make you passionate. Does it still? Or, like some scary science fiction movie, have your boyfriend's feelings, attitudes and values – his take on life – been implanted into your brain too?

If so, there might be two reasons for this. Perhaps you fear the conflict that arises when your views are dissimilar. Somehow you two can't navigate around your differences; instead they lead to anger or rejection. Or there is the fear that intimacy and closeness are disrupted, possibly even permanently, when opinions differ.

Ask yourself if there is a "healthy degree of compromise", or if – like a nasty virus on your computer – your self is being wiped clean.

Get external feedback. Joanne, who recently terminated her relationship, ex­plains, "I just felt that I had no time for 'me', like I was living someone else's life. Eventually I had to get out."

Schreiber describes the difference be­tween compromising and sacrificing your identity: "It's about the cost." She explains that compromising leads to a win-win situation, whereas sacrificing something important can result in resentment.

When you compromise, both parties might give up something of what they want, but they also feel heard and understood. Sacrificing is about winners and losers – and has very little to do with mature love.

4. You're too accommodating on one or more issues relating to the "thorny threesome": religion, children and sex.

For example, he wants none of the above; and you're rather partial to all three. Although negotiating might be called for, look at who's doing the compromising. These are the big lifestyle issues, and if you're the only one being flexible, you might be left feeling resentful.

5. It's still "early days" in the relationship, but the only time you see the inside of your own home is to pick up mail and fresh underwear.

Be wary about giving up your space with such ease. Sometimes you need to recharge – and a home base is the best place to do it.

6. And then there is the "do not pass go" red card of any relationship: physical or emotional abuse.

Walk away. Immediately.

It is often difficult to find the right balance between dependency and independency. Most people spend a great deal of time trying to find this equilibrium.

Loss is at the core of all our psyches. Our first experience is that of loss: at birth, we are ejected from the warm, secure womb into an unknown world. And we end with death, the ultimate loss. Learning to deal with loss is a journey of personal growth; avoiding this journey means giving up on life.

We might also cling to our partner because we fear being alone. We may even convince ourselves that this one person meets all our needs. No-one can meet all our needs, and by isolating ourselves from everyone else we lose vital support structures that are important to nourish our entire self.

We might also be suffocating the relationship by acting overly dependent. Find your "comfortable distance", difficult as it may be. Remember: your longest relationship is with yourself.

What about co-dependency?

Schreiber explains that in a co-depen­dent relationship the one person is needy, and the other dependent on being needed.

The needy, dependent person might exhibit the following: