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In the case of women, our mothers are also our first gender role models. We see our mother as the nurturing caregiver and this becomes hard-wired into our brain. If she also played the role of mother to your father (as many women of previous generations did), that conditioning will be doubly effective. Equating mothering with love is then a small leap.
In the case of men, mothers often take such good care of them that they come to expect this from their partners: if she loves me, as my mother did, she would take care of me, as my mother did. Such men will take on the role of helpless child – and so the scene is set for a whole lot of mothering.
SO WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT?
Of course it's not a complete
no-no to have elements of
mothering in your relationships
with other adults. Friends,
family and your partner will
need a supportive and nurturing
response to their life dilemmas
from time to time.
But the impulse to mother can cause problems if it is your automatic, unconscious response, and nowhere more so than in your love relationship.
SOME SURE SIGNS OF MOTHERING
SMOTHERING THE MOTHERING
Accept that you are partly
responsible for the way things
are. Ask yourself what you are
getting out of a relationship
that functions more like one
between a parent and child than
one between two responsible
adults.
Could it be that you feel a greater sense of control and power when you are in the mommy seat? Is it your own quest for perfection that turns your partner into a blundering child? Does playing the role of all-knowing mother make you feel indispensable?
These are tough questions, however, you will not be able to remodel your relationship if you don't understand your own inner motivations.
SMALL CHANGES, BIG CHANGES
Try these strategies for a
relationship that is truly
grown-up.
Stop doing things for him. Don't pick up his dirty clothes. When he suddenly has nothing to wear, he will get the message. If he forgets to pay an account and finds himself embarrassed, he will get the message. If he forgets that important business meeting … Get the message?
Adult relationships don't use threats – if you don't do this, then I will (or won't) do that. Not even children fall for this one, why would he?
Let go of the desire to punish. If things go wrong, stop blaming him for your disappointment. Recognise that you are in this together.
Lighten up. Ask yourself, how much fun am I to be with? In her work with the dying, well-known author Elisabeth Kübler-Ross found that the biggest regret people had when they looked back was, 'I wish I hadn't taken life so seriously'.
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