Article: Corlia Erwee from Ideas
Image: Fairlady Bride Magazine

Teamwork means being able to meet someone halfway, and acting in such a way that you are prepared to sacrifice for the sake of peace.

But, even the happiest couples sometimes find themselves at a point where they are diametrically opposed in terms of what they want, do, or believe in. When that occurs, one of two things normally happens: the one gets their way while the other feels unhappy and resentful, or the issue is not resolved because both parties dig in their heels and refuse to compromise any further.

Win-win approach
Compromise and co-operation are the characteristics of a healthy marriage in which both partners have equal rights, says Jeanette van Bergen, a Johannesburg-based psychologist.

"If one of the partners constantly feels that they have to give in, an environment of love, happiness and generosity will eventually make way for an atmosphere of bitterness and frustrated rage."

Jeanette says that it is important to talk about such feelings. "If you do not express your unhappiness, technically you have no right to be angry: it's your choice to keep quiet and let the other person have their way all the time. Women often fall into this trap. They keep quiet, then vent their anger in other ways."

In her view, the answer lies in the win-win approach to problems. "If you can understand that when one of you loses, both of you lose, because you are connected to one another in a marriage or relationship, you have gained an important insight. Solutions must work for both parties; otherwise both lose. See differences as the spice that keeps a marriage interesting.

"And if you concede and the other person gets their way, do it wholeheartedly in the knowledge that you have done something to make your partner happy."

When co-operation is abused
Compromise does not mean accepting ill treatment, cautions psychologist Pat Gaudette. "Abuse – be it physical or emotional, or due to alcohol or drug abuse, or infidelity – is something you never have to accept.

"If your partner is prepared to get help and work on the problem, you could reach a compromise that you will stay together and that you will provide support. But, if your partner is not prepared to stop or to get help, you have the right to end the relationship. You should never put yourself in physical, sexual or emotional danger."

In the book Boundaries (Zondervan), co-author John Townsend says that no marriage partner has the right to walk all over another person's "humanity".

"We live in a society where we are taught that winning is everything, and that you have the right to realise yourself and go after your dreams. Problems arise when two people with that attitude attempt marriage, because it often becomes a conflict of your dreams versus mine."

John says nobody has the right to try to control their partner's feelings, behaviour, choices or values. "Each person has the right to say that there are limits to what we can give. If you are not prepared to accept things that your partner is doing, you have the right to say 'You can do it if you want to, but I don't have to accept it. If you continue doing it, I'll remove myself from the situation.'"

A time to listen and a time to talk
Marshall Brain, author of The Teenager's Guide to the Real World, says it is extremely important that both partners feel that they can be honest, because the marriage, the partnership, is permanent. Otherwise, one person might always be afraid of getting into trouble for being honest.

"The secret is knowing when to keep quiet and when to speak up. If every single issue leads to a protracted debate in an attempt to arrive at a compromise, the marriage will become a constant business transaction," writes marriage counsellor Ken Snowie on the website www.bharatbhasha.com

"Sometimes you simply have to be prepared to give in. Choose your battles with care. Give 100% and be prepared to put your partner's happiness first. Romance isn't really romance when it's only convenient for you or your partner."

The first step to a successful compromise is to listen. Not only to what is said, but also to the emotion underlying the words. If you can say to your partner that you can imagine how they feel when you start talking about a compromise, you are likely to be astonished at the appreciation you will get from them.

If the two of you start negotiating with one another in that kind of spirit, a compromise should follow soon. Even if it means deciding that each of you will do your own thing in your own time, because you understand what is important to the other person.

Emotional intelligence
Jeanette van Bergen says friendship and trust should be there even during the difficult times. But being able to communicate at that level demands emotional intelligence.

"Emotionally intelligent people can reach emotionally intelligent compromises. It is not true that happy couples never fight. They just go about their fights differently. And they strengthen the foundation of their relationship through the little things they do for one another every day, enabling them to get through the difficult conflicts.

"It is very hard to be furious with someone who looks at you lovingly every day, who listens when you speak and does small things to make your day better, and who is on your side unconditionally when the world collapses around you.

"Decide whether something is important enough to talk about, then explain as simply as possible why you would like to do something in a particular way. Listen to what the other person has to say. Respect one another's individuality and if it means tackling something separately, making two puddings or consulting an expert to decide which school would be best for your child, then do it. Remember that nothing is more important than your happiness as a couple."

Marshall Brain says that when you're young, marriage is usually about love and excitement, but as you get older, it is about commitment. The level of commitment and loyalty must be so deep that both partners can grow and develop.

"If you are someone who loves excitement and always getting your own way, and if you struggle to share and be loyal, marriage might not be for you," he cautions.