Article: Prudence Goredema from True Love

"My two closest friends and I tell each other everything – and I mean e-e-e-everything," laughs Tsholo*, 27. "We call each other as soon as we've been on a date and share every last detail about the guy we were with – what he looked like, how he did, what, where and when he did it, what it felt like – and then we rate him."

When it comes to juicy sex talk, some women will leave no mattress unturned and no fly unzipped in their quest to relate the sauciest of sex stories. The need for hearing about others' bedroom shenanigans ranges from voyeuristic extremes to a vague, passing interest. However, no kitchen party is complete without a couple of sisters urging on and spicing up the proceedings. Without these independent thinkers, a sex column like this would never see the light of day.

Nothing is sacred

Woe betide the men who form the subject of these candid confessions. Every detail of a brother's performance – from his imaginative ability during foreplay to the, um, lengths he'll go to (so to speak), his stamina, his pillow-talk, the shape and size of his entire body and his taste in underwear – is mercilessly exposed, compared, considered, praised or ridiculed, as the case may be. No men's locker room – nor even the lewdest, crudest stag party chatter – can begin to rival the kind of talk women share when they get into this mode.

And it doesn't end with copulation. Many women delight in discussing all aspects of eroticism, from toys to Tantric sex. After all, who in the world makes a better, more receptive audience than a close girlfriend who's more than likely been through the same experience herself? Women love bonding by sharing intimate details. It makes them feel they're not alone, and reassures them that they – ­and their tastes and desires – are normal.

While researching this story, I came across sisters who say they've been told tales of debaucherous deeds which have left them gasping in shock, disgust – and envy. Cellphones set on "vibrate", strategically lodged in certain places, and then timeously called... octopuses, egg-beaters and umbrellas... sordid rendezvous in public places.... these all featured on a kiss-and-tell list that shouldn't fall into the hands of small children.

Hear no evil

However, not all women relish hearing the graphic details of their friends' carnal adventures, nor are all of them comfortable sharing their own experiences. Says Lebo*, 23: "There are some things you just don't want to know. If your friend and her man get up to extremely freaky things, you simply have to tell her to keep it to herself."

Candy*, 25, agrees: "My girlfriends and I discuss just about everything, but I have to leave the room if anyone mentions anal sex." Some topics, they say, are simply taboo and good breeding simply dictates that discretion is the best option.

Yet there are many instances where frank discussions on sexual matters can be vital – for example, sharing contraception advice, or relationship problems where a friend besotted with Lwandle the Loser needs guidance. Sex education doesn't end at school – as we all know, there's much more to it than biological diagrams.

"Women talking to each other can save lives," says Cape Town sexologist Dr Eve. "They learn about safe sex, how to negotiate more satisfying sexual pleasure and much more (including permission to masturbate!)"

Although SABC3's Sex and the City kept us entertained and never lacking for tea-time talk, wasn't it odd that at 30- or 40-something, the characters on the show still felt the compulsion to spill the beans on matters most people have sorted out by their 25th birthday?

Not so, says Dr Eve. "One of the most beneficial aspects of Sex and the City was seeing a group of women, irrespective of age (in fact, it was even more meaningful that they were older women), sitting around and deliberately and openly talking about sexuality. This is what women long for: a forum, a safe and confidential space in which to explore their sexual concerns, their 'am I normal?' questions.

"Research shows that it's from women sharing with other women in safe spaces that information is best gained and permission given to be the sexual beings they have the capacity to be."

Making a discovery

Natalie van Wyk, who runs Intrigue – a Johannesburg-based sex accessory company – agrees. Her business involves hosting parties where various erotic accessories and lingerie are sold in the cosy comfort of a private home while the wine and conversation flow freely. "Many women want to talk, but are too afraid. This is especially so with the younger girls, who're still discovering what makes them and their men tick," she says.

Adds Dr Eve: "In the women's groups which I host, the participants share their gratitude for this space in which they process their sexuality on a weekly basis, and say they wish every woman could do the same. They also say they long to have this forum with their female friends. All learn as they hear how each one copes with her own sexual situation.

"The amount of shared empathy between women really can't be replaced by any 'expert' giving advice. So I really would encourage women to gather and share stories – it has such incredible power!"

Well and good – but where's the line between a "safe" place and licentious, no-holds-barred gossip, including names and vital statistics?

Many women will dish the details of their sexual exploits only to a few trusted pals. Telling such stories to conservative souls, or those whose religious or personal sensibilities would be offended, has been known to end friendships. One girl who lost a friend this way says it's imperative that your friends share the same value system, or you're looking for raised eyebrows and pursed lips. But with the right cronies, many women are quite prepared to talk about the good, the bad and the ugly.

"I'm all for discussing our sex lives because it gives you validation that you're OK if you know others go through the same things you do," says Candy, who lists penis size, orgasms and positions among her favourite topics.

Support group?

Says Ali Murray, a Johannesburg-based relationship consultant who works alongside sexologists and psychologists: "Women form packs and like to get together and share their experiences. They'll discuss blow-jobs, or articles they've read in magazines. Sharing in this way allows us to give each other advice we can implement.

"Murray cautions, however, that one potential problem is when women start using this kind of conversation as a support group for each other's dysfunctions by covering the same ground repeatedly and abandoning the search for solutions. She also cautions against opening up to the wrong people. "It's OK to kiss and tell if your friends are completely on your side and the discussions don't become idle gossip. For example, if a woman's keen on your partner, she might spitefully tell him what you said about him." Ultimately, it's a matter of trust.

Another splendid piece of precautionary advice comes from Gugu*, 22, who points out: "Telling your friends all about the hunk with the longest member in sub-Saharan Africa might lead to them trying to steal him from you." And Angela*, 29, adds another twist to the risk factor: "The first time I was naked with my man, I was pretty drunk and didn't realise he wasn't aroused. I told my best friend about his 'button mushroom', and now she continues to bring it up – even though I later told her, when I'd finally experienced the real deal, that it's actually big, after all. I can tell she's looking at him in a strange way whenever we're all together. I wish I'd never said anything to her."

Indeed. And, in all the ethical considerations discussed so far, one crucial one seems to have been overlooked: the rights of the partners who're being discussed, dismissed and dissed. One repentant blabber confesses: "My boyfriend wasn't too impressed when a friend of mine accidentally (or intentionally – I'll never know) mentioned something he and I had discussed as pillow talk. It took him a long time to trust me again, and to this day I feel as though he's holding back."

Ayanda*, 31, is another woman who's left cold by hot gossip. "My relationship with my man's special, and I see no need to discuss private aspects of our life. And I don't just mean the sex – our hopes, dreams and shared intimacies are just as private. It's no-one else's business. I'd be horrified if he betrayed me by discussing me with his buddies – and I would never do it to him either."

The other side

Others see the kiss-and-tell phenomenon as a phase or rite of passage. A shift can occur when that piece of meat you've enjoyed discussing becomes a permanent fixture in your life. "It's not that my sex life is no longer juicy," explains Palesa*, 28. "But because we're a close, established couple now, it feels wrong and disloyal to talk about my boyfriend like he's just a piece of ass, or my latest weekend conquest."

Hope*, 33, who's married, agrees. "My friends and I do share intimate stories. The subject matter's still the same – men and sex – but the treatment's changed as we've matured."

Through her work, Natalie van Wyk's also noticed the different approaches younger and older women take in discussing their sex lives. "The older, married women – the ones who outwardly look conservative – are more confident and more willing to talk about the fun they have in the bedroom. Although they're proud, almost bragging, they do it respectfully and don't speak ill of their husbands.

"They're less worried about introducing toys into the bedroom and their kiss-and-tell stories are generally more intriguing, because of the self-confidence they've gained with age. Their sex stories aren't shared only for a laugh, as some younger women might do."

On the other hand, young men are notorious for boasting about their exploits and telling all who care to listen about the "slut" they bedded the night before. Men only shut up when they find themselves in love. In fact, all the attached men interviewed for this story believed their sex lives are private and not up for discussion with their mates.

So how do they feel knowing their partners might be telling other people about it anyway? "I don't like it," says Sipho*, 38, firmly.

"Men don't form the sort of packs women do, and that's a pity," says Meshack*, 29. "Guys only talk about their triumphs – never their disasters. If a man has erection problems or can't satisfy his girlfriend, he's not likely to tell his friends about it. Maybe if men spoke to each other more openly, it would help them immensely."

Whatever your take on spilling the beans, there's an old Chinese proverb worth remembering: "When you have a secret, you are its master. As soon as you tell it to someone else, you become its slave."

*Not their real names.

Useful contacts:

SA Sexual Health Association