1. When you initiate sex, you're most like...
Herschelle Gibbs: I'm bowled out now and then, but I've hit a ton of centuries.
Justin Kemp: I can hold my own.
The guy at the end of the bench: I get very little playing time.

The average guy has sex about twice a week if he's married ­a little less often (once) if he's single, a little more (three times) if he's single but shacking up.

If you're not hitting your number, work on your approach. In a University of New Orleans study, nearly 70% of men reported that when they initiate sex, they overestimate their partners' desire to get it on. This is most likely because they think women are like toasters: flick a switch and they get hot. Talking to her - about work, family, the news - is the greatest aphrodisiac for a woman because it establishes a bond of sharing that she equates with romance. To you, it's conversation. To her, it's intimacy.

2. Your job most closely mirrors...
The Office: same tasks over and over
Mission Impossible: dangerous
The West Wing: stressful

You'd think stress would be as deflating to a sex life as a litter of puppies in the bedroom. But a stressful job involving some level of competition, as in law or sales, can actually improve it. "Competition can drive up testosterone, which boosts libido," says Dr Helen Fisher, author of Why We Love.

Being amped up by a high-powered, high-stress job is more likely to make you more sexually active than idling in a cushy, low-key career, says Fischer.

If work doesn't fire you up, seek a testosterone jolt in a recreational sport. Men who play a sport increase testosterone levels by 15%, according to a recent study. Even better, make her your steady doubles partner. The same study showed that women increased their libido-regulating testosterone by 49% during competition.

3. The most common sound to come from her mouth during sex is...
Laughter
A breathy moan
A stifled yawn

A Kinsey Institute study found that nearly a quarter of women reported some distress in their sexual relationships in the preceding month. One of the most common causes of dissatisfaction: boredom.

"The common denominator of satisfied couples is that they're very playful," says sex therapist Dr Ava Cadell, author of The Pocket Idiot's Guide to Oral Sex. "My definition of sex is adult play. It should be fun and recreational.

"You should laugh and release all those pleasure endorphins. A sense of humour is an essential ingredient in great sex because it takes pressure off performance." Toys = instant play. Shop together at a toy store (the kids' kind) for playthings you can bring into the bedroom. Imagine the possibilities with washable paint, masks, water pistols­ and toy handcuffs.

4. During sex, how often does she orgasm with you?
I've got her on a hair trigger.
Not even Ernie Els can hit a hole-in-one every game.
No idea.

Only 30% of women can climax through intercourse alone; most also need direct clitoral stimulation. It takes women an average of four to six minutes to climax when they masturbate and 10 to 20 minutes during intercourse.

"Making love with one's penis is like trying to write calligraphy with a thick Magic Marker," says Dr Ian Kerner, a clinical sexologist and author of She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman. "The tongue is mightier than the sword." Assure your partner that going down on her turns you on, and consider the virtues of the flat, still tongue, which she can move against to climax.

5. Quick: list all your partner's pleasure points. How many did you come up with?
Two or three
Five or six
Hang on, I'm still counting.

A man should know at least 10 hot spots that drive his partner wild, says Cadell. Not knowing is a sign that you may not have enough colours on your palette to paint a sexual masterpiece. Simple techniques - a kiss around the earlobe, a stroke between her toes - will help you find them.

"Before you try to experiment with wild positions, be the best student of her body that you can be," says Dr Gloria Brame, a sex therapist and author.

To find more spots, slow down your kissing, feeling and touching so dramatically that it barely feels as if you're moving. "It's all about slowing sex down to find where she's receptive."

6. Your last compliment to her was about...
Her butt
Her new shoes
Her eyes

The way a woman feels about her body correlates with how inhibited she feels in bed. Sure, complimenting her shoes validates her taste, and saying something about her eyes reinforces her beauty. But praising her most guarded body parts ­ butt, thighs, waist - may be more important to your sexual satisfaction.

"Women spend their lives trying to look good for men," Fisher says. "So a woman who feels she's sending the right visual signals is pleased with herself." The best time for a "nice arse!" shout-out is when there's no chance that you'll be having sex anytime soon, like before you walk into her parents' house for Sunday brunch. "It's a gift to compliment her outside of the bedroom," says Fisher. Praising her body at times other than when there's a bulge in your trousers reinforces your sincerity.

7. On a typical night out, we...
Go to one of our two favourite restaurants and hit a movie afterwards.
Decide in the car.
Our babysitter has too active a dating life for us to have one, too.

The average man's sex life stays the same or even improves once he ties the knot. To ensure this outcome, add some variety to your nightlife at least once a week. "Novelty is good for sex, and I don't just mean novel sex.

Novelty in your social life," says Fisher. It can be as simple as skipping dinner to play miniature golf or listening to a live band instead of the car radio. Anything that makes your date start less predictably can also change the ending.

8. Our average sex session lasts...
10 to 20 minutes
Three commercials
More than 30 minutes

The minimum duration of sex­ including seduction, foreplay, and intercourse - should be about 30 minutes. "Anything under half an hour is not satisfying to a woman," says Cadell. If you're not quite there yet, build up your sexual stamina by aiming to make each sexual encounter a few minutes longer than the one before.

Research shows that the average man lasts about 14 minutes during intercourse, but you don't necessarily have to go that long to satisfy her.

For every 30 minutes of sex, only a quarter to a third of the time should be spent on actual intercourse, Cadell says. This leaves plenty of time for the other things she likes and you won't feel as if you're being clocked.

9. How often do you have quickies?
Oops, I just did.
Weekly
Rarely. She doesn't like them.

Foreplay lasts an average of 12 minutes, and women would like it to go on for an average of about 18, according to a recent study by the University of New Brunswick in Canada. But that doesn't mean you can't take the express lane sometimes. One quickie a week is a significant sign that your relationship is strong - and that your partner has a good understanding of your sexual needs, says Cadell. And If she's nice enough to understand how much you need the one-minute variety, reciprocate with the one-hour kind (or at least the 18-minutes-of-foreplay kind).

10. How firm is your erect penis?
Granite
Garden hose
Linguine

You'd think erections would be like martinis - the stiffer the better. "The theory is that it should be rock hard, but if it's hard enough for penetration, it's probably okay," says Dr Jon Pryor, a professor of urologic surgery at the University of Minnesota. The best time to do an erectile self-check is first thing in the morning­ when the smooth muscle around the penis is relaxed, allowing blood to engorge it. If you wake up with a limp biscuit, it could be a sign of poor blood flow or low testosterone.

11. What's your blood pressure?
Above 140/90
Below 140/90
No clue

"High blood pressure is an important cause of arteriosclerosis­ and arterio-sclerosis blocking the arteries to the penis may be the most common cause of erectile dysfunction," says Dr Thomas Lee, a professor of medicine at the Harvard medical school.

Get your BP checked at least once a year. Losing weight and exercising will lower your blood pressure, as well as your body-mass index (BMI), another important number to know (calculate yours online at www.menshealthsa.co.za).

In a 2003 Harvard study of more than 30 000 men, guys with BMIs of over 28 had more than a 30% higher risk of erectile dysfunction than men with BMIs of less than 23.

12. Does she know that you, uh, ring your own doorbell?
No. I tell her she's all I need.
Yes, but she pretends not to notice.
In fact, she helps.

"The more often people masturbate, the more often they have sex - there's a surprising correlation," says Fisher. "It's probably because sexual arousal elevates testosterone and dopamine, which can lead to more sex." A woman who's cool with your self-pleasure and who also masturbates ­is likely to be a better lover because she knows what pleases her most, Brame says. A recent survey showed that 20% of women masturbate once a week, and that 60% of those women also make use of sexual devices.

13. If your fantasy is for you to play Justin to her Janet, you would...
Wallpaper her computer with the photo of Janet's "wardrobe malfunction".
Slip the idea into conversation between the meat loaf and mashed potatoes.
Buy a tear-away breast flap and nipple ring and leave them under her pillow.

Healthy couples share information on what they like and don't like. "You don't have to spend hours talking about your sex life," Brame says. "What's important is sharing with your partner something that's deeply intimate." Fisher suggests talking at a safe, nonsexual time. Women get a feeling of intimacy just from talking. This way, she won't feel pressured to perform right away - which could make her more willing to put on the malfunctioning wardrobe some other time.

14. How old is she?
20s
30s
40s

When men and women are younger, they tend to have more sex, but the quality increases with age. "As she gets older, she'll lose a lot of inhibitions and become more comfortable with her body," says Brame. "And that's probably the single most important thing in sex ­feeling at home in your own body."

15. What best describes what the two of you wear to bed?
Flannel
Satin
Flesh

Button-up pyjamas send the message that she's not ready for sex. But sleeping in the nude doesn't necessarily indicate sexuality, either. The true green light: when she's giving some thought to what she wears that implies an element of seduction. Whether it's lace or a tight T-shirt, spending time and thought preparing for bed is a sign that she's more open to sex. If she's a flannel gal, you can't turn her into a garters-and-nightie fan overnight. Start slowly: buy her a pair of flannel boxers. She feels comfy; you see some skin.

16. When was the last time you had sex someplace other than the bedroom?
Last month
Last Saturday
Last girlfriend

"Don't always make love in the same place at the same time in the same position: it's the kiss of death in any relationship," says Cadell. You should always be striving to learn new techniques to satisfy her, like this one: multitask during oral sex. Lick her clitoris, stimulate her G-spot with one hand and brush your other hand around the intimate terrain of her butt. "If you can do that," Cadell says, "she's never going to let you go."

Your scorecard

1. A = 2; B = 3; C = 1
2. A = 1; B = 2; C = 3
3. A = 3; B = 2; C = 1
4. A = 3; B = 2; C = 1
5. A = 1; B = 2; C = 3
6. A = 3; B = 1; C = 2
7. A = 2; B = 3; C = 1
8. A = 2; B = 1; C = 3
9. A = 2; B = 3; C = 1
10. A = 3; B = 2; C = 1
11. A = 2; B = 3; C = 1
12. A = 1; B = 2; C = 3
13. A = 2; B = 3; C = 1
14. A = 1; B = 3; C = 2
15. A = 1; B = 3; C = 2
16. A = 2; B = 3; C = 1

36 to 48 points - Sack happy! (But then you knew that)

22 to 35 points - Bedroom for improvement (And don't come out until you get it right)

21 points or less - Permafrost. Check "Hot Spots" for your personal danger zones.

Hot spots

Seduction style - Add your scores for questions 1, 5, 6, 7, 15 and 16
Ten points or less - You're no Colin Farrell. Poor scoring here means you need to smooth out your game.

Equipment - Add your scores for questions 2, 10 and 11
Five points or less - It's a poor workman who neglects his tools.

Satisfaction: hers - Add your scores for questions 3, 4, 8 and 14
Seven points or less - Remember, fellas, there's a lady present. Keep her happy and she'll reciprocate.

Satisfaction: yours - Add your scores for 9, 12 and 13
Five points or less - Enjoy yourself, man. Start by asking for what you want. It'll help her open up too.