Article: Prudence Goredema from True Love
Image: True Love

Sexual thrills fall into a vast domain, which though long charted, continues to yield unusual and somewhat exciting findings. In strip clubs, fantasies great and small come to the fore as skimpy outfits are taken off to the delighted groans of the audience. So what do you need to know if your main squeeze is into striptease?

What's your pleasure?
Whether rain drops on roses or whiskers on kittens, most people have their favourite things. These preferences don't stop at a latté with no sugar or a double-decaf, strong black and sweet. Sexual tastes are more diverse than any Italian coffee menu. Joe Cocker said, "You can leave your hat on," and for TLC in their hit song Baby Baby Baby, it was "I require plenty conversation with my sex."

For some men (and maybe yours) a little side order of lascivious lap dancing gets the, uh, thumbs-up. Hence the proliferation of clubs with strippers à la carte. If it's a case of each to his own taste, why is there an uncomfortable question mark around the idea of men eyeing up and paying up for lap-dancing strippers?

In your face
To the silky strains of Akon intoning, "Shake your body like a belly dancer," a woman winds her way onto the stage and reaches for a pole. While she's shaking what her mamma – or plastic surgeon-gave her, other strippers are at the tables chatting to and entertaining the clients (all men by the looks of it) or just wondering around half naked.

The outfits run the gamut from itsy bitsy bikinis to barely-there dresses. Nothing you won't have seen on a Destiny's Child video. The D cups runneth over. The women look like porn stars or maybe mock Bond girls without the guns. Not so much Jinx (the only stripper of colour here is Indian), but Pussy Galore. Men have paid good money to see these strippers' privates on parade.

TJ, 26, says that he goes to a strip joint occasionally because, "It's highly stimulating to look at naked women. You can't always do this at home, perhaps because you don't have a girlfriend or she wouldn't understand." Another regular on the strip club scene, Jacob, in his mid 30s, says it need not affect your relationship – you just keep quiet about it. "Women can get very jealous and they won't accept that the strippers are just something to look at and enjoy. Like a porn magazine or a dirty DVD."

This behaviour is easily justified when one considers the research of Robert Trivers, who put it all down to an evolutionary imperative that makes men more needy when it comes to sexual stimulation. But culture and context separate our species, so seeking the seedy may just be a case of boys behaving badly.

Although younger men like TJ enjoy these strip shows, a quick scan of the room yields a sea of grey and balding heads in this particular club. Most are well past their best-before-dates. While the back-benchers seem happy to nurse their drinks and leer at the main stage, those wanting a closer encounter need to flash more moola for a personal lap or table dance.

The actual moves are nothing an average able-bodied woman couldn't do. What makes this a feat for professionals is that they can and do, open their vaginas (generally as smooth as Kojak's head) right into a stranger's face. But there is a strict hands-off policy so eager audience members have to hold still and dream on. There is a constant stream of exasperated men heading for the loo.

In 2003, Texas Christian University conducted a study that indicates that the effects of this Peeping Tom behaviour are long lasting. Men who watch lots of pornography are more likely to objectify women, thinking of them only in sexual terms and falling back on traditional gender roles to classify women. It doesn't bode well for relationships if a man takes his obsession to extremes.

However, Johannesburg-based GP, Dr Lorraine Becker says, "One shouldn't look at stripping as a perversion. Men are highly visual and react more readily to visual stimuli. There is no emotional or physical involvement with the stripper – it's not like picking up a hooker. That is problematic."

Something for the ladies
Some clubs cater for women who want to see naked, musclebound men. Whipping out big bills is a rare event, and many women are happy just to see the male strippers do their thing from a distance. According to Stephanie, 25, "It's something fun to do with your girlfriends, but it would be boring if you had to go all the time."

Thirty-something Tendai says, "I wouldn't mind having a (penis) in my face as long as it also gets to go somewhere else. (Penises) are one of the most ugly body parts – it's a good thing attractiveness is not driven or determined by what a guy's penis looks like – there would be very many lonely men out there!"

Dr Becker says, "Women are less visual, so if they do have an interest in male nudity it would largely be just for entertainment. They are less likely to want to actually have sex with the stripper." For both genders, Becker advises moderation because, "Anything can become an addiction: from Internet porn to strippers." So if the show turns to obsession, it's the lonely voyeur who is eventually stripped – of dignity.

It takes two...
Johannesburg based relationship consultant, Ali Murray, says, "Some couples might be able to go to a strip club together – or apart – to add some excitement to their lives and that is well and good. However, there is usually much more harm that comes out of this. Some men will use such an outing to get their woman into something she doesn't want to – a threesome, perhaps, by showing her that 'other women do it', so she should yield to his wishes."

If you're going to go to a strip club be prepared. A woman may be surprised and taken aback because she is turned on by the dancing. Worse still, she may resent the extent to which her husband is turned on by other women. I have worked with couples who have ended up in therapy because a man's need for strippers tore them apart.

In South Africa we've reached a stage where there are so many of these clubs that the strippers become seen as the standard of sexy. Yet strip shows are just a business devoid of sensual feeling. Some men might go out to watch the fantasy, but his wife may feel she needs to compete. Yet few men would want their woman doing this; it's like porn: a man may enjoy watching it and may want to enact what he sees with his wife but he wouldn't actually want his wife to be in the movie.

If your man is fascinated by strip clubs and you are unhappy about him going there, perhaps look at ways of fulfilling that fantasy at home in a more sensual way, as an adult form of play.

Fantasies that are kept bottled up become fixations and this can be the ruin of a relationship. However when a man coerces his wife to cross her sexual boundaries, it is indicative of more troubling issues within that relationship: a lack of love and respect.

Would you accept your man going to a strip club? Are you a man who enjoys watching strippers? Tell us your thoughts in our comment box below.