Families at war

"There are so many dynamics in a family," says Johannesburg psychiatrist Bernard Levinson. "Each member has his or her own grief and position. For example, there's a dynamic between a first-born and second-born child. The first-born is often an ally of the parents, while the second-born frequently turns out to be the rebel or revolutionary. So tensions mount in families and, contrary to the old belief, blood is often not thicker than water.

"Jealousies and rivalries can cause enormous problems in families and give rise to feuds where people stop communicating with each other. Sibling rivalry often causes these tensions. For example, a high-achieving brother may overshadow another child."

According to When Blood is Thicker Than Water, an online article written by US psychologist, Mark Sichel, symptoms of family feuds include depression, sleeplessness, difficulty eating, sadness, confusion and rage. And honesty isn't always the best policy in this case, it seems.

"Family dynamics are, at best, a tinderbox situation," writes Sichel. "Brutal honesty lights the fuse that fires the flame. Resentments expressed can turn into bonfires of rage, shattering children and adults in its uncontrollable path."

What causes a feud?
Sue Cook, a relationship counsellor at the SA Family Life Centre, believes family feuds are caused when "expectations, hurts and disappointments in family relationships are unexplored and unresolved.

"Family feuds often happen at times of change or at transition points – a death, a marriage, a birth or the introduction of a new person into the family unit. Whenever there's potential for stress or conflict, this challenges and puts pressure on the family system. It all depends on a family's ability to be open and communicate with one another. If this doesn't happen, there's usually a split resulting in a stand-off or feud."

Live and let live
Ultimately, it seems forgiveness is the key to healing family rifts. US psychologist Connie Saindon's work, Family Feuds and the Work of Forgiveness, published in American magazine Self-Help, states: "People forgive in a variety of ways, from efforts that seem like two steps forward and one step back or all at once.

"Fuel for family feuds occurs when there's been a violation of justice or fairness. The give-and-take balance in relationships develops trust between people. Trustworthiness builds assurances that one's needs will be met without manipulation or threats of retaliation. Hurts in families can last for years and even be passed on down through generations, cutting both wide and deep."

Many people in today's world are sadly familiar with statements like: "I haven't talked to my sister since I left home at 18" or: "No-one invites Uncle Joe around since he ran Dad's business into the ground 23 years ago." And healing can be a long and challenging process.

"I suggest the parties seek help as a family, find a way to sit down and talk," says Dr Levinson. "I strongly believe in the sharing of meals together, as for many it's the only time a family can meet. Don't use this time for talking or arguing. If the family can't sort issues out on their own, a referee or psychologist may be necessary to facilitate dialogue."

Cook believes preventing a family feud requires members to communicate and be open to one another. "Respecting each other's opinions and allowing individuals space is essential in preventing feuds," she comments. And if conflict or a feud has already occurred, then she advises: "Try to re-open channels of communication. If there's too much hurt and pain, family counselling might be the only way."

"I truly believe people and thus families can be healed," concludes Dr Levinson. "Many of us are like angels with one wing. We can fly if we hold each other.