Article: Tori Foxcroft

Yes, that's exactly what my engagement announcement, that ran across the birth and death announcements in the Cape Times, for a week stated.

Of course, the "to... to..." bit is a bit of an exaggeration, but the point: My parents didn't really mind who I was marrying, so long as they could marry off the last of their six, the last of their litter. I mean, what more could the mother of six children dream of? Thirty-six grandchildren, I suppose.

Now before you start thinking Foxcroft is an odd Xhosa name – no, we're not Xhosas, and no cattle and/or money was involved in this exchange. I am going to be given away, given away for free. Which is a little rude, when you consider that this wedding is going to cost me my sanity.

It was while paging through a UK wedding magazine that the reality of a wedding hit me. "It's your special day, and we've got everything covered", claimed a wedding insurance advert, promising to pay out for dresses, DJs, flowers, etc should the wedding fall to pieces. Yes, you heard right. Wedding insurance companies advertised in a bridal magazine! What next? An article titled What to do when your wedding never happens? Just what you need to get into the groove, hey girls?

Nothing was going to get me down, though, and I decided to venture off to a Cape Town bridal boutique (yes, there is one). It was here that I tried on my dream dress. It was also here that I was told that I looked, in my dream dress, like an advertisement for OMO. Sigh. If only the tan that Women24 has photoshopped on to me for this column was for real.

Come to think of it, a tan AND a new head of hair would be nice. My desperate attempt to grow the perfect locks for the Big Day has forced my fiancé to nickname me "Georgie"… as in George Best, the 1970s Manchester United football legend. And although I've been told that he was hot, I'm too scared to Google him. Because, well… even I know that the hairstyle I'm currently sporting cannot be justified.

"I'll look good on the day", I keep telling my fiancé. Split ends or no split ends, "it will be worth it on the day…" And why? For all the "?s" who're coming with "so and so" to The Wedding, of course! In case you're wondering what "?s" are, they're the "invited undiscloseds". Which is great – because I've always wanted "undiscloseds" at my wedding. What you decide to call them on the day, is really up to you.

And this, girls, is really what your wedding preparations are all about. If you struggle to decide which pair of shoes to buy (in general) – designing your wedding dress may just kill you. If you'd really, really like to serve your wedding cake as dessert – forget it. And when you're forced to book your venue a year in advance, be warned: The prices will double, from the time you book your venue to the time that you actually have to pay for it, so watch out for those fine-print clauses.

And, to top it all off, suggestions for your wedding will not be useful. They will range from the absurd to the ridiculous. In fact, the only good suggestion I've heard this year is that Liam, my nephew and paige boy, bear our rings on his Spiderman pillow. That, and the proposal to let everyone under the age of seven manage the ice-cream stand that will be selling soft-serves at a reduced rate outside the chapel.