Article: Pop Tart from women24

Is your celebrity career stalling? Are you missing out on the cultural cachet of photographers camped in your driveway or stalking you in the supermarket? There’s only one way back from the bleak cold wastelands of paparazzi purgatory. I’ll give you a hint. It's not rehab, cos how would you upstage Amy Winehouse anyway? Nope, you gotta bite the bullet, especially if it's of the vibrator variety and make your own sex tape.

The latest shagadelic shleb to do the dirty on DVD is Verne Troyer of Austin Powers fame. Unfortunately for entertainment channel TMZ, who were broadcasting clips from the tape on TV and the Internet, Troyer claims his acts on camera were supposed to be in camera; that is, for his private consumption only. And he's suing the channel for $20 million.

He has every right to be mad. It's an outrage, a violation of privacy that the nastier members of the public are going to treat as a cruel joke, which will absolutely defame and damage Verne's reputation (rather than proving that everyone can have great sex whatever their body shape or stature).

Only, it does seem a little convenient that the "private" tape happened to have ended up in the hands of one Kevin Blatt, the same dodgy scumbag who distributed One Night In Paris (coincidentally catapulting a hard-partying heiress to international household Name).

Gender Agendas
It's a sad truth that many sex tapes are leaked accidentally-on-purpose, with a very specific agenda. For reasonable facsimiles of hot girls, it's usually a cold-blooded career move. For guys, it's more about proving you're still a playa.

Take Fred Durst's video that set out to show he's not such a Limp Bizkit after all, or Dustin Diamond (perhaps better known as Screech from the hit TV series Saved By The Bell not only taking on two ladies at once, but also going out of his way to be as debauched as possible to throw off his squeaky geek persona.

I'm hoping that Verne isn’t that desperate. I'm also hoping never to see his tape, the same way I've studiously avoided similar outings from the likes of Tommy Lee and Pamela Anderson, Gene Simmons, WWE-muscle girl Chyna and especially R Kelly. (For a breakdown of the worst celebrity sex videos of all time check out Cracked.com

The Heat Factor
The fascination with celeb sex tapes has less to do with the celebrities involved – because the really gorgeous talented ones would never be stupid enough to make 'em in the first place and more to do with knocking them off their pedestals.

It's the tabloid effect. Like the photos of stars with spinach between their teeth or cellulite or zits or flabby bums or hangovers, sex tapes prove they're real people just like us.

But there's something really nasty about the genre, not just because they're often calculated publicity stunts, but because for the audience, it’s about bringing people down.

One Night In Paris features 37 minutes of Paris lolling around limp and bored and whiny under Rich Salomon. She's as actively involved in the sex act as Mugabe is with democracy and it's painful to watch.

It's just not masturbation material (or so I hear from friends with expertise in such things) but, boy, did it make headlines.

If You're Gonna Do It, Do It Right
Most home-made sex tapes are pretty naff. If you've ever flicked through the all-amateur uploads at XTube or YouPorn (it was research), you'll know that it’s tricky to make sex look, well, sexy.

It's easy to provoke that visceral kick to the reptile brain, but trying to make images of people mechanically rubbing genitals look genuinely erotic as opposed to just pornographic takes talent and, even more importantly, serious budget.

Most pornos don't manage to pull it off. Most consumers don't care, but there's a growing market for high class porn with high production values. It's the difference between Die Hard 4 and the straight to DVD release of Operation Omega Death Squad Ninja Force 12 (yes, I made that up)

And let's face it, if you're a celebrity, you've probably got easy access to cash. And, heck, a camera crew. How hard is it, really, to rent some good lighting equipment? Or film your escapade on HD rather than a cell phone? Or at least try to act like you're enjoying it?