Winter has crept up on us and I don’t know about you, but I’m definitely
not ready! With the days getting colder and rainier, and the clothes
getting heavier and more concealing I’m in big trouble.
You see, I haven’t prepared for winter AT ALL and I still have a pesky bikini body!
am I going to do? The spare tyre around my waist is not nearly big
enough to hide under baggy sweaters and my arms are still toned and
non-flabby. And my skin, although I’m a ginger, isn’t even close to
pasty enough to hide under layers of clothing and thick leggings. I
still look sun-kissed for crying in a bucket!
I know most of you
are in the same boat. But don’t worry – I’ve done some research on how
to get a winter body in just 3 weeks. It’s not going to be easy, but we
have to get into the correct shape for July. You don’t want to feel
uncomfortable in cosy restaurants and bony in flannel pyjamas again like
you did last year, do you?
So, here's how to gain 10 kgs, FAST!
1) Stop drinking water!
contains no calories and flushes out the body. This might be good for
you, but beauty first, ladies. Rather replace with drinks like hot
chocolate, coffee and beer. Also, try and drink as many high sodium
drinks as you can – they might not make you gain weight immediately, but
at least you’ll appear puffier.
2) Eat lots of white bread and pasta
is for rich nutritious stews and soups, which can add pounds in the
long run if you eat enough regularly, but in order to bulk up quickly
you’ll need to add simple carbs to your diet. I know they don’t taste
great, and you’d much rather eat a delicious crunchy salad, but think
about your annoyingly skinny bum… Now you have all the motivation you
need. In fact, put a picture of yourself in a bikini on your bathroom
mirror. Your leanness will embarrass you and you’ll make regular trips to the fridge in no time.
3) Easy on the cardio
run if you can walk? In fact, why walk if you can drive? Winter is the
time for snuggling under the covers and putting hot things in your
mouth. 3 weeks of stationary living won’t do anything adverse to your
health, but it will help you lose some definition just in time for July,
which is the goal here. So keep your eye on the ball and veg out. So
what if it makes you depressed. Would you rather be a laughing stock?
4) Eat bigger portions
stomach will soon get used to being full. I know it’s much easier to be
unsatisfied to the point of hunger all day long, but just keep focusing
on the scales. Also try to eat very late at night and never on regular
I know all this sounds difficult, but if you harness your
will-power and self-loathing I promise you’ll see results in no time.
If you have to cheat, you can go for one run and one bowl of vegetables,
but just don’t overdo it. Nothing tastes as good as [insert socially
dictated weight here] feels.
I’ve been following this plan for 3 days now and I already feel more sluggish and bloated. I am slowly getting used to being full and you will too.
We must remember though that rapid weight gain can be bad for your health. But who has the time or discipline to do things gradually?
In November we’ll all starve ourselves again to look “right” on the beach. Can’t. Bloody. Wait.