Okay, I have to come clean. That pesky ash cloud, the earthquakes, the mudslides… It’s. All. My. Fault.
I’m so sorry. I never imagined this would happen. There I was, flouncing about like a harlot, in high heels and cleavage tops, pretending to be oblivious to the havoc I was wreaking with the delicate and innocent male psyche. And now – BAM – I, along with my slutty ankle-baring sisters, have incurred the wrath of God.
Don’t you just hate it when that happens?
All those deaths, and injuries, and homelessness and hundreds of wasted hours at airports... Eish. I KNEW I shouldn’t have danced on that bloody bar last week.
Because as Iranian high cleric, Hojatoleslam Kazem Sedighi, said, this new spate of unholy congress and promiscuity unleashed by us godless women will be the end of all of us.
But wait a minute, surely it takes two to tango I hear you say? Hogwash man! How can a grown male, he of the unblemished soul, possibly stand against the vile and wily seduction of Woman? Men are not responsible for their actions! You know what us girls are like - since the dawn of time, when we weren’t busy scheming on how to succumb to the devil and eat the cursed fruit, we were plotting on how best to incite lust so that we could get hit over the head and dragged into the nearest cave.
And now an earthquake will hit Tehran. Thousands will die and it has nothing to do with the fact that the city straddles, literally, scores of fault lines. Nope. It’s because those godless whores are corrupting the chastity of young men! So, time to plan for evacuation?
Don’t be ridiculous! President Ahmadinejad is crazy. They should just get those Iranian sluts to cover their hair again.
I sincerely don’t know why we women always try to ruin everything for everybody. Maybe it’s just an inherent character deficiency? Just look at the Middle Ages: when we weren’t bewitching the village fathers, and driving them to ravish us, we were cursing the babies we delivered and spread pests among the livestock.
And look at us today: Stealing jobs from hard-working men by sleeping our way to the top, forcing fathers to abandon their children through our constant fishwife nagging, luring innocent men into traps of uncontrollable lust until they are forced to rape us.
I don’t know about you, but I really think they should bring back burning at the stake. Especially for us redheads. We’re all a bunch of soulless jezebels anyway.
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Do you think I'm right? Are we just a bunch of whores dominating the universe, taking down one man at a time?