I have realised that I have an addiction.
It’s not booze or cigarettes or anything like that. It’s food. I can eat and eat and eat and somehow there is always space for more.
I wonder how many people (especially women) struggle with this? I know a woman who lies to the lady behind the counter when she orders family variety buckets at KFC.
She tells her that she’s having people over and doesn’t feel like cooking. She does this every Friday night. And every week she eats all the food herself. In one sitting. That takes some doing!
She can eat anything while driving, even a piece of chicken.
I have always been the fat girl. I grew up being almost force-fed and to help myself cope with an abusive home, I turned to food.
I have only been a normal weight twice in my life and that was only with a lot of blood, sweat and tears. I once lost 40 kilos but I cried myself to sleep each night because I couldn’t binge.
Every day was a struggle with my inner darkness.
At this stage I’m very close to being the biggest I have ever been. My back and feet hurt. I wobble all over like some character from Noddy but I can’t stop myself eating. It’s really as if there is no “off” button.
Getting to this size isn’t easy. It takes years of hard work and dedication to the “demon” within. It always feels like I am wrestling with something inside me and there is always the “tomorrow” or “Monday”.
Tomorrow, I will exercise. Tomorrow I will stop bingeing. Monday I will start a new diet.
I have a love-hate relationship with food. It’s comfort and punishment. It comforts me when I am alone, sad or angry. But getting fat is the punishment I deserve for not having self-control.
At this stage I think I am obsessed with food and fat. It’s all I think about all day. The next “high”. How much I weigh. How I look.
I don’t let people tag me in photos on face-book anymore because I can’t bear to see what I really look like. It’s been almost 2 years since I looked in the mirror at myself except when I do my make-up.
Every day I am surrounded by thin people who tell me how beautiful I would be if I lost weight. My colleague tries to help me by checking what I eat. This just depresses me.
They mean well, they have good hearts but everyone is so obsessed by weight. When thin women moan about how fat they are, I think to myself, “honey you have NO idea what it’s like!
This is unfortunately not one of my motivational pieces.This is one of those where I admit I don’t have an answer and I don’t know how I am going to get out of this.
Maybe I will keep you updated or rant on my blog. Or maybe I will never mention this again. I don’t know.
I guess I am hoping to hear from other people out there who are struggling with the same thing.
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