It is official: The dreaded and oft-dangerous End-of Year disease, Novemberitis, is going round again. And even though it’s still early days, I am seeing people all around me presenting the first symptoms of this highly infectious malaise.
Luckily, as someone who has quite a bit of experience with the illness (I am a lifelong sufferer), I have come up with an ingenious plan to combat infection and treat Novemberitis effectively.
Sadly, this is not a fool-proof cure; some of you may be too far gone already, nevertheless, it is worth a try. But first, answer this simple checklist to see if you, or a loved one, is in danger of contracting the disease.
• You wake up tired, but console yourself that at least it’s Friday. On your way to work you realise it’s Tuesday, and you’re late for a meeting with your boss.
• When the guy in front of you in the queue at the supermarket insists on counting out exact change with 5c coins on a four-digit bill you suddenly have a very vivid and very violent fantasy of shoving your lipstick up his nose, lid and all.
• You watch a lame advert of some kind of financial institution and it makes you sob like you’re watching The English Patient.
• You are convinced your hair has started to conspire against you and in an attempt to get it back under control you pay R700 for a haircut that makes you look like Jon Bon Jovi, circa 1986. You feel sick every time you walk past a mirror.
• You have no idea what you’re doing with your life and you dream of quitting your job and running away to a desert island where you’ll survive on nothing but crabs and bananas and your only company will be a ball called Wilson.
If any of the above seem vaguely familiar, you are probably suffering from Novemberitis. While there is therapy for Novemberitis (it’s called a holiday), the treatment, until you can actually have that vacation, is very basic:
Learn simple, unintimidating, new skills.
I can practically see you balking at this. You thought I was going to say drink more, didn’t you? But seriously, trust me on this.
This medication, if administered soon enough, can even act as a vaccine against Novemberitis. The impressive results have been scientifically verified by me in a very scientific way in my very scientific lab.
So come on! Learn how to touch-type, or to grow your own herbs, or to make the perfect soufflé, or to juggle apples, or to swim butterfly stroke, or to make a fire without using firelighters, or to tie a slipknot or to crochet or something.
I swear, learning something new will remind you that there’s more to life than your boring job and your douchebag husband and your evil kids. And before you know it, you’ll realise that you’re actually quite happy with said job and husband and children.
And then you’ll know you’re better.
But, tell us how do you know whether or not you’ve been hit by Novemberitis? What symptoms can we add to our list?