Article: Ruth Friedland from Your Pregnancy magazine
Image: Ablestock

If you think you will fall in love with your baby immediately, you may be disappointed. It can take time and usually love takes days and weeks to develop as you get to know each other. On the other hand, you may feel an extremely powerful rush of feelings for your newborn. Just remember, whatever you feel is natural, especially after going through the demanding experience of giving birth.

Make the connection
The bond between mother and baby begins in utero and continues to grow throughout the parents' and their children's lives.

Dr Christiane Northrup, an obstetrician, gynaecologist and holistic physician, writes, in her book Women's Bodies, Women's Wisdom (Piatkus, 1995), 'Babies have awareness in utero and can hear, feel and experience emotions long before they're born. If a mother doesn't feel very deeply that she wants to have the baby, the baby will sense this. A woman's bond with her baby begins when she knows she is pregnant.

'In the first few incredible moments after birth, it is important that baby feels her mother's skin next to hers as soon as possible. This will keep the baby warm and give her a feeling of security.'

But bonding immediately after birth is not always possible and doesn't always happen instantaneously. Mothers who can't have immediate, close contact with their babies can still bond very well with them later on. Forging a strong bond between you and your baby involves tuning into your baby's emotional and physical needs, communicating with her and allowing her to communicate with you.

The magic touch
Research has shown that human touch and concern have a quantifiable effect on a baby's health and that mothers whose babies stayed with them after birth bonded better with them. These mothers were found to be more attentive to their babies' needs than those who are taken away from them after birth to be looked after by strangers. It has also been shown that constant contact between parents and babies may prevent SIDS ('cot deaths').

Most professionals will place the baby on the mother's tummy at birth if all is well. And don't forget about dad. He should be present at the birth and he ought to hold his baby as soon as possible after the birth in order to create his own special bond with his baby.

It's very important that both parents spend enough time with a new baby in order to bond with her and help her feel 'held' and secure. For the first nine months of life, the baby had a warm, safe, comforting environment in which she could hear mom's heartbeat and could feel her body's warmth. Suddenly, at birth, baby has to leave this known environment.

Breastfeeding
Breastfeeding is an experience that provides much touching and closeness ? a baby at the breast hears and feels her mother's heartbeat, she also sees, smells and touches her mother, and experiences movement as her mother moves or changes position.

Tine Thevenin, the author of Mothering and Fathering (Avery Publishing Co., 1993), says that, according to our biological programme, the breastfeeding period ensures that mothering continues for as long as is necessary to create a strong attachment between mother and baby. However, this does not mean that mothers who have decided to bottlefeed their babies are not able to bond with them. A bottle-feeding mother is equally able to develop a strong bond with her newborn.

Bonding blues
Feeling surprised and perhaps disappointed at the sight of your newborn is, however, also a natural reaction. You may search for family resemblances as you discover her unique feel and smell. You may mourn the loss of your ideal baby, especially if you had hoped for one sex and got the other. You may be unsure whether you will be able to love this new baby as much as your first and you may even be disappointed to find out how different your second child is from your first.

Moms often feel they have to make a conscious effort to love and bond with their babies. Or they may feel pressure, either from themselves or others, to get back to work, to be a good mother and wife, and to show the world that they are able to cope with their many roles and responsibilities.

As a result, they don't have the time and energy to invest in their relationships with their babies. Nor do they believe that they will naturally 'fall in love' with their babies. The best approach is to go with your feelings and let it happen naturally.

Stay with me
Normally, separation anxiety occurs at around eight months and crying and clinging will be more intense at this time if the mother has not bonded with her baby. This could lead to aggressive behaviour later in life and possibly sibling rivalry.

Adopted babies
According to psychologist Eugene Kemp, even babies adopted within one to two weeks of their birth often experience a high level of separation anxiety a little later, and it takes time to teach an adopted child that she is loved and wanted.

Adopted babies have to learn about being loved. Parents must spend a great deal of time with their baby in a secure environment and they must touch, cuddle, hug and stroke their baby to reinforce the feeling of being loved.

Premature babies
Although new technology tries to create an atmosphere like that of the mother's womb, it's impossible to truly imitate the sensations of being inside the mother. When a baby is put into an incubator, mothers can visit and touch their babies, but this contact is not enough to ensure a strong attachment and healthy growth.

Multiples
With multiples, babies are often born by caesarean section. This means that there could be complications getting to know her baby if the mother is drugged or in pain. Her cut is going to influence how much she can hold and breastfeed her baby.

Mothers of multiples need a good support system. Often the mother is overwhelmed and just hasn't the energy to give the babies the attention they need. A mother in this situation should not feel guilty but should get the physical and emotional help she needs to cope.

Sheila Kitzinger, in her book Pregnancy, Birth & Parenthood (Oxford University Press, 1992), says that the process of learning to love your newborn is different for all parents, especially for parents of multiples.

She explains that you may feel a very instant bond with the first-born twin or triplet, or you may feel very close to the most vulnerable twin or to the one that is easiest to care for. Kitzinger advises that feeling guilty or uncomfortable about this is natural, and it's most likely that you'll become close to the other twin with time.

Helpful hints on tuning into your baby

• Cuddle, stroke, massage and hold your baby.
• Talk to your baby and allow her to respond to you as well.
• Maintain eye contact during your baby's first few days with you. She needs to focus on discovering you.
• Wrap her in a blanket and sit and rock her gently.
• Play soft music and sing to her.
• Smile at your baby and encourage her to grasp your hands so that she can respond.
• Sleep with her or take a nap together to make you both feel warm and secure.
• Have a support system in place. The more support you have, the more support you can give your baby.
• Encourage others to bond with your baby. The more affection your baby gets, the more secure and easy-going she'll be.
• Engage in quiet conversations with your baby so