2. HER FAMILY
Ask: What's your favourite holiday? How does your family spend it?

To find out: Her family roots. Where you spend the holidays can be a huge political issue. "The underlying issue is whose family comes first, and that stands for who has the power in the relationship," says professor of social science Dr William Doherty, and author of Take Back Your Marriage.

3. RELIGION
Ask: Do you believe in God?

To find out: How compatible your faiths and religious rituals are. In an American university study of 120 married couples, those who shared religious holidays and rituals reported more marital satisfaction than the pairs who practiced their religions separately. It's not necessarily the religion itself that's key – though the particular religion you practice can certainly be a huge issue with her family – it's all the things that go with it. "When you engage in celebrations and rituals, there's usually a lot of time and planning involved, something to look forward to and ideas that are meaningful to discuss," says professor of psychology and co-author of the US study, Dr Barbara Fiese.

4. HER WORK
Ask: What's your dream job? Where would you most like to live?

To find out: Her goals, and how far she's willing to go to reach them. Just asking shows support for her career, an important factor in any relationship. A recent university study of 117 married couples found what the Wonderbra people have known for a long time: those who felt they had more support at home had greater satisfaction than those who felt unsupported. It's also a good time to find out how far she's willing to move away from her family. "It's a very under-appreciated area of stress – where are you going to live, whose family are you going to live near – yours or hers?" Miller says.

5. YOUR WORK
Ask: What was your dad's work schedule like?

To find out: Whether she's already lived with a man who had the same work ethic and schedule as yours. Maybe her dad worked a seven-to-three shift every day of his life, came home and played with the kids until they went to bed, and never worked weekends. Maybe he owned a business and set his own hours so he was always home for dinner. But your job – or your future job – may require late meetings, 60-hour workweeks and business trips. And that can put stress on a relationship. "Working until nine or sometimes later, night after night, is a constant source of stress with my wife," a friend of mine in publishing told me. "She still doesn't understand that this is the nature of the business at deadline time. It's not the life she was used to."

6. INTERESTS, DREAMS
Ask: How do you envision your life in five years?

To find out: Whether she wants to be a career girl or a stay-at-home mom or a mom with a career. Whether she expects to live in a big house in the 'burbs, a loft in the city or a farm in the Karoo. More and more research shows that the ‘opposites attract' notion is a myth. Successful couples usually have more similar priorities than not, says author of Saving Your Marriage before It Starts Dr Leslie Parrott. A couple has to have similar goals and a long-term plan worked out together, to reach these goals. And, even more important, a similar tolerance for taking risks and making sacrifice. If you don't share the same values, they'll be a constant source of conflict in terms of how you spend your time and money.

7. DISCIPLINE STYLE
Ask: What do you think of spanking a child as punishment?

To find out: Her thoughts on disciplining kids. We assume you've worked out whether you both want children, and maybe even how many. (You have done this, right?) But how you'll discipline them is a topic that's often overlooked. Bring it up the next time you see an unruly child at a restaurant spitting peppermints at the waitress. Ask her how she'd handle it and how she was disciplined as a child. "Either we tend to follow the way we were raised, or, if something was objectionable about the way we were raised, we do the opposite," Doherty says. Different parenting styles can cause the most strain on a marriage because they can be a daily, even hourly, source of conflict. "It's chronic acid on a relationship," says co-author of Fighting for Your Marriage Dr Scott Stanley.

8. GENETICS
Ask: What do your parents drink?

To find out: Whether there's a history of alcoholism in her family. "Health problems like depression and alcoholism have a strong genetic component," Doherty says. "If her mother had depression or her father was a chronic alcoholic, there's a good chance it could creep up and become a problem within your relationship." It's not a relationship killer (unless you use the terms ‘defective gene' or ‘your terminally plastered mother' when discussing it), but talking about hereditary health risks early will make it easier to discuss the same conflicts should they pop up in your relationship later on.

9. IN-LAW APPROVAL
Ask: How have your parents reacted to your previous boyfriends?

To find out: Whether they'll think the current boyfriend is good enough for their little princess (and whether they'll pay big bucks for your wedding). "If her parents don't approve, there's a potential problem," says Sherman. Not that that's necessarily a deal breaker. Who are you marrying anyway, her or them? What's more important is to learn something about your girlfriend by how she responds. Is she the kind of girl who wants to please Mommy and Daddy?

Or is she secure enough with herself to make her own life decisions? Here's a way to look for clues: Bradbury suggests asking how her parents have responded to her previous serious boyfriends, and trying to elicit how she reacted to her parents' disapproval. Did they make a big deal over the last guy's prison record? Will they care about yours? If she supported her past boyfriends in spite of her folks' disapproval, she's probably a keeper.

10. FATHER FIGURE
Ask: What was your relationship with your father like?

To find out: Her attitude towards men. Especially towards the one who mattered most (before you). If her father was distant and cold, she may seek male approval. If her father was abusive or a cheat, she may have trouble trusting men. "If there's any unfinished business in her relationship with her father, it could manifest itself in your relationship," says Sherman.

"When people get into serious relationships, they tend to look to their mate to give them everything they need. Couples get into trouble when they don't look closely at these tendencies early on." You also should consider her relationship with her mother, which could have the very same implications. If she can't pee without calling her mother to tell her all the details, that's not going to change after you walk down the aisle.

And, the most important question of all... you need to ask yourself this: "Can I ask these questions and have an honest, intelligent conversation with this woman when we disagree?" Because if you can't, none of her answers really matter.

EARLY WARNING SYSTEM
How she acts can reveal as much as how she answers Look out for these four behavioural red flags from marriage experts.

1. She's really, really hot, and knows it? "There's a tendency for people to want to marry up – to someone who's more beautiful than they are," says author of Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts Dr Leslie Parrott. "But it's better to be well matched, even in terms of looks. It can create tension if one person puts a lot of effort into his or her looks and the other doesn't."

2. She overreacts: "If somebody is quick to get angry or defensive, or to attack, it should be a red flag because it's not a trait that's going to change," says Dr William Doherty. "It will drive you crazy when you don't have the euphoria of being engaged or dating to offset it."

3. She complains...a lot: "Partners who amplify negative thoughts and feelings are likely to have a rougher go of marriage than those who are upbeat and can bounce back from setbacks," says marriage counsellor Dr Thomas Bradbury.

4. She goes to bed late; you go to bed early: Living by different schedules means you'll spend less time together doing everything from talking to having sex. "The biggest challenge in relationships is lack of time together," Doherty says. "The busier you are, the more you feel like you're just roommates."