They just hired a new consultant at my job. I asked him a question. He said, ?I could tell you, but then I would have to bill you.?
Gregg Siegel

What would you give a 400-kilogram gorilla for his birthday?
I don?t know, but you?d better hope he likes it.

What did the big candle say to the little candle on his birthday?
You?re too young to go out.

How can you tell you?re getting old?
You go to an antiques auction and three people bid on you.

Frustrated by how horrible his round was going, a golfer jumped into the pond and tried to drown himself. Fortunately, he was unsuccessful. He couldn?t keep his head down.
Ken Cummings

The bishop spoke to the congregation about the priest and nun shortage.
"Too many of you are only having one child and letting them go off into other professions. I propose that each family should have three children: one for the father, one for the mother and one for the church."
A few days later, the bishop was out grocery shopping when he saw a pregnant woman from his parish. But before he could say hello, she shouted above the crowd, ?This one is yours, Bishop!?
Edwin Kline

Bob: Al, when did you get a trombone? Al: I borrowed it from my neighbour?s kid. Bob: I didn?t know you could play the trombone. Al: I can?t. And now, neither can he. Capers Simmons

I read that ten out of two people are dyslexic. Stewart Francis

My wife went to the beautician. She was there for three hours. That was only for the estimate. They put a mudpack on her face and she looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off. Stuart Collinson

A man was travelling from Jerusalem to Jericho when he was attacked by bandits. They stripped him of his clothes and money, beat him up and left him half dead on the roadside.
By chance, a priest came along, but when he saw the man lying there, he crossed to the other side of the road and passed by.?Then a Levite came along and saw the man, but he, too, passed by on the other side. Lastly, a social worker approached. He stopped, examined the man, looked deeply concerned and declared, "Whoever did this needs help." herbie taylor

The king had a beautiful girl locked in his castle. He lavished her with gifts, but dressed her in the most horrible rags. Every night, she would stare out of the dungeon window, waiting for a brave knight to rescue her. But every knight who rode up would take one look at her and ride away in disgust.
'How can they resist my beauty?' the girl complained. 'The king was right,' the guard said, laughing. 'No knight will rescue a damsel in this dress.'
Mary Olson