Kids behaving badly

If children were born with such sophisticated reflexes, couldn't they have been born with more civilised behaviours too?

Article: Sheryl Cohen

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We throw light on why children misbehave and how to handle these difficult episodes.

Temper tantrums
Why do they do it?
Children have tantrums when they don't get what they want. When your child was a little baby, she never really saw herself as a separate person from her mother. What she wanted and what you wanted was usually the same thing. Now that she is bigger, usually at around 2, she realises that what you want isn't always what she wants – a discrepancy that can set off terrible temper tantrums.

Tantrums are a normal part of growing up. Your child is becoming an independent human being, building a separate sense of self. She has to be different to you in order to become who she is. But, of course this process can be stressful.

What to do
Be careful about what you choose to attend to. If your child's temper tantrums get lots of negative attention, it might reinforce her unwelcome performance. Try to attend to behaviours you want to encourage. Never respond to a temper tantrum by having one yourself. Children need to learn that they can survive their negative feelings and so can you! They need to learn that they can be angry, upset, disappointed, frustrated and survive those feelings. We often try to keep children happy all the time. Children must be allowed to experience all their feelings – positive and negative – but not behave in an inappropriate manner.

Five point plan:
1. Acknowledge feelings: "I can see you are very cross"
2. Reflect the unfulfilled wish or want "... because you wanted to go outside to play"
3. Set the limit "but it's raining"
4. Give a choice "mommy can read you a book or you can play with some dough"
5. If your toddler continues kicking, screaming and crying, leave the situation in a quiet and non-punitive manner. "I am going into the kitchen to make dinner". In this regard you are ignoring her inappropriate behaviour but allowing and even respecting her feelings.

Hitting, kicking and hurting
Why do they do it?
Children are learning how to control their own behaviour. The younger they are, the less control they have. When your 1-year-old feels cross, she hits or throws or cries. We need to help our children verbalise their feelings without acting them out.

What to do
Never hit back. Children need you to contain their difficult feelings and behaviours rather than add to the drama. Allow her to express her feelings, but do not allow her to express them through inappropriate behaviours. This is where you say, "Joan, you are allowed to be cross but you are not allowed to hurt your sister." Then offer a substitute. "You can hit the ball instead."

Biting
Why do they do it?
There is a very strong aggressive impulse in young children. Love and aggression are closely linked. This does not mean that parents should tolerate aggressive behaviour. Biting is anti-social and children have to learn to become sociable human beings.

What to do
When toddlers bite someone they often get a dramatic reaction from the victim, which can reinforce the biting. You will have to deal with the biter in private. If you say "no biting" and then you bite them back "to see how it feels" they learn to bite. Children do not do what you say, they do what you do! Set the limit and take action. If you are carrying your toddler and she bites you, say firmly "no", and put her down. Give her both a verbal and a non-verbal message that biting is not tolerated. If she bites other children, remove her from the situation. If she can't be with other children happily, then she will have to be alone.

Stealing
Why do they do it?
When young children like something they take ownership over it. It becomes part of them. This means that they might take home what doesn't belong to them.

What to do
Take the object back with your child in a matter-of-fact kind of way. You might say: "Gina took this home so we are returning it to you". You do not have to lecture and moralise. Psychological theory claims that moral development only begins from 4 years of age.

Lying
Why do they do it?
Lying can be a part of the child's imagination. Under the age of 6 the boundaries between fantasy and reality are not clear. That is why a block can become a cell-phone in their imaginary games. Take this scenario. Liam comes home from play school and tells his mother that the teacher cracked her head open and now she has no head. How does she let him know that this is not true, without putting him down?

What to do
Rather than reprimanding him for lying, put his fantasies in the right place. Say "Imagine that ...gee whiz. Imagine if your teacher had no head. She wouldn't even be able to talk". You have allowed him the space to think creatively, but you have also stuck to the boundaries of what is real and what is not.

Whining, moaning and nagging
Why do they do it?
Children often do this when they're not being heard. They become attention-seeking but of course end up with negative attention. A vicious cycle begins – the more your child moans, the less you want to attend to her. The less you attend to her, the more she will moan.

What to do
Give her positive attention. Get down to her level, make eye contact and answer her question, request or whatever. Her behaviour is giving you an important message: "Am I important enough to stop your adult life to take notice of?"

Clinging
Why do they do it?
Children feel safe with their parents. You're their source of love, attention, power and physical sustenance. Children strive to become autonomous human beings, but they do have moments of extreme dependency. The trouble with clinging children is that parents feel enslaved. Parents wonder, "what's wrong with my child that she can't let me go to the toilet alone?"

What to do
The more you push her to be independent, the more she will cling to you. Her clinging is a non-verbal message that reads "for whatever reason, I need to be with you". Give in to this need where possible. Often parents, unknowingly, have high expectations of children to be independent at a young age. But we need to remember that they are only little and still very dependent on us to meet their emotional needs.

Saying 'no'
Why do they do it?
Children learn to say "no" long before they learn to say "yes". This is an important stage in establishing their sense of self. When your 18-month-old says "no" she is different to you in the world.

What to do
Allow her to say "no". This does not mean you always do what she says, but you allow her the space to express herself.

Have you noticed?
Temper tantrums at the ages of 3 or 4 are usually more dramatic, and more stressful. Older children are more verbal and possibly more manipulative. They have more "strategies" at their disposal to get their own way.

Image: Your Baby magazine

- Your Baby magazine