Before my major breakup with the infamous prick that broke my pint-sized heart into a million little pieces, there were loopholes in our relationship that, even then, I recognised as problems.
For example; on one of our breakups we decided to take time out to get to know one another again and start over. During this period sex was a no no and communication was key. He didn’t like this and so we fought about it constantly.
He complained that he needed the intimacy and that it was a strong factor in our relationship. He said it was one of the only – I repeat – the only ways he could show me that he loved me. And so we proceeded to have very un-intimate sex because I gave in way too many times.
Of course then I tried to break up with him, because I was becoming unhappy, but this too became difficult because he then ‘needed me’ and I ‘made him happy’… and blah blah blah…
But there was a pattern here; every time I tried to end the relationship, the sweet talking came, and every time we took a break in our relationship to see whether we could work things out, the intimacy issue came up… and so I had to ask myself a few tough questions so that I could decide whether this was all worth the trouble.
And here they are:
Is the relationship fine without the sex?
The communication, the equality, the friendship and of course the intimacy are elements in a stable relationship. But without the physical intimacy, is the emotional intimacy still there?
Does he hold your hand even though you turned your back to him last night? Is he still kissing you like he usually does? Or has he become moody about it? Is he complaining that you don’t have enough sex even though you’ve explained to him the reasons why you don’t want to be having sex?
And more importantly, are you beginning to feel like the physical intimacy is the foundation of your relationship altogether?
When there is intimacy is it for the both of you?
When you are physically intimate, is there emotional gain for the both of you afterwards? Does he turn over and go to sleep? Does he get dressed and go home even if it’s after three in the morning?
Ask yourself how you feel afterward. Do you want to held? Or do you want him to go away?
Is there communication during intimacy?
Does he know what is important to you when you’re being physically intimate? Ask yourself whether he is doing all the right things to make you feel secure and happy during sexual encounters.
And then, finally ask yourself:
If we don’t have sex and if there was no physical intimacy at all, would we still be happy together?
Although physical intimacy is important and may very well be a great plus in your relationship, it should not be the foundation for it. I think that there are other things that are more important than how often you have sex.
One thing that I've learnt from giving in rather than talking about the situation at hand, was that the other issues couldn’t be resolved with sex and even after there was a sexual encounter, the problems were still there, plain as daylight.