*I just read your column, and I have to say, I've definitely been in a similar position.
When I studied in the USA six years ago, I met an awesome guy who I fell in love with. Unfortunately, the long distance became too much and we ended it.
For a long time I wanted to find some kind of scenario that would bring us back together. I missed him more than I had ever missed anyone at that stage of my life, and I couldn't accept that it was over. But the truth is that although we travelled all over the world since then, we have never actually made a plan to see each other. Deep down I think we both know it will never really work out, but because we still love each other we're still open to the possibility on some level because we are friends.
So maybe that's the thing, maybe you never really "get over" someone, maybe they will always be a part of your life, or your subconscious. I think where the issue lies is if this relationship restricts you or prevents you from being open to other people.
I've often had people say to me that I should see relationships "for what they are". Even though I'm still not sure exactly what that means, I think it's maybe a way to just accept your situation. Maybe you will always love your ex, for whatever reasons. But I think when loving him stops you from being able to love anyone else it might be a problem.
Not sure if that's advice but it's definitely got me thinking too!
Jenna
*Wow, it is almost a little hard to read what you have written because it feels like it is me writing those words...
I am single...when I meet someone who is worthy, that's when I will worry about settling down etc. It isn't easy... with the friends and family constantly asking, self doubt about whether you are good enough or are you going to be alone forever?? It is never ending... but I know that my past relationship is really to blame for me being alone...
I know I am definitely too attached to a man I once dated. We spent 6 years together and we were best friends... he is still one of my closest friends and I still want to have him in my life. We have a platonic relationship now and I know that I have no desire to get back together with him ever again, but I know I am still emotional attached and I know that our relationship makes no sense to other people and that he is probably a VERY big part of why I haven't moved on.
I have heard the cut ties thing before, too...it is far easier said than done. How do you cut ties with someone you still care for? You will always love them, even when you are no longer in love with them, especially if things didn't end badly which is the case for both you and I. Sometimes I wish I could hate him, to make it easier... but I can’t. He is dating someone new now and has been for a while. Sometimes I find myself upset or angry with his behaviour with her, sometimes in front of me... and then I realise I have no business being that way. I also know that for him the whole process is EASY and staying friends comes with no complications... because I'm still single and he hasn't had to feel the hurt that I have at watching him move on. One day I will have moved on and then maybe that will be hard for him to see.
I know, however, that I have to try and have as much of a life without him in it.... to find love again... But how to actually do that these days is the hardest part for me?!
He is still my best friend and the person I always want to talk to and speak to about life... but eventually and inevitably that has to change. Right?
Wish I had some advice to give... but sitting here 4 years later, still alone and I'm sure to so many, looking pathetic. Everyone thinks I am holding on (which I am not because really I do not want to be with him ever again), but I'm just waiting to find someone that will love me again.
It seems maybe I have high standards now which will be impossible to meet?? Or maybe I'm just too scared to let anyone in again, in fear of being so completely broken that I do not know where to begin again.
Anonymous
*I wish I could say I simply ended it…
It sucks to be in the situation you in, purely because you’ve met the right person at the wrong time.
I know a guy who is everything I want in a partner, he however has other commitments. We work together quite closely and he is now resigning from the company because he got another offer. I’m mad at him for leaving me because I know once he leaves it will be the end of whatever relationship it is that we have.
I don’t know how to tell him this without coming across as a selfish cow because the only reason he’s leaving is because it’s a much better monetary opportunity for him.
He walked away from me before and it sucked but we were still at the same company so at least I got to feed my eyes on him even though that was torturous. Now he’s leaving both the company and me, and I wish I knew how to simply end it because then this wouldn’t be as crappy as it is now.
I suppose there is no real way to simply end it, you just do.
Anonymous
*I was so hung up on an ex that I honestly believed I would never find anyone better than him (in spite him being dishonest to me for the 2 years we were together, I kept making excuses for him).
One winter day, a very close friend of mine asked me where I will be a year from that time, will my life have made a positive progress or will I still be stagnant, believing in his "fairytales" and how I would feel if I heard that he was getting married to someone else while he sweet talked me on the side.
For the first time, I meditated on that thought and I woke up the next day, called him and said "I wanted to stop just surviving and I wanted to start LIVING" and how I could only do this without him in my life. I also didn’t want to wake up some day resenting him for holding my life back while he carried on living the life he wanted to live.
I told myself and my mind that I am letting go of the fear, the bitterness and the hurt and I am opening myself up to renewed energy. Since that day, I have never looked back and I am very happy.
It’s not easy but you CAN do it.
Miss P
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