How to Break Up & Get Closure

Sex columnist Dorothy Black shares an 11-step plan.

I've had the good fortune to enjoy many breakups. Many little ones, two not-so little ones and one whopper, which was particularly adventurous in its scope of pain.

Eventually, you get the hang of them. The basic lay of the land so to speak: the shock, the realisation, the sad, the hoping period, the sad, the anger, the sad, the acceptance 1.1, the sad, the lonely, the acceptance 1.2 ad infinitum (or until you get closure or get bored).

You know, the basic five steps of grief.

Anyway.

As I've done nothing but sleep, cry, mope and be a social buttercry since Mr Hardman broke it off last week, I thought it helpful to compile my list of handy 'Don't break down when breaking up' break up tips.

It's about as Cosmo as I'm ever likely to get. 

1. Do try to break up on a friday.

It'll ruin your weekend but at least you don't have to leave your bed for two days.

2. Be the zen.

You can't argue your way into someone's heart. If you're not there, you're not there. Sucks. But there you go.

3. Find a friend. The minute lover has left the building you follow suit. Go to a friend, preferably someone at home with booze, a big couch, a caring shoulder and an internet connection.

4. Delete all stalker material.

Delete all contact details - including messages and call lists - take lover off facebake (mxit, myspace, whatever) and clear out your inbox, outbox, sent folder and trash. Be ruthless. If you need to read something to remember it, it wasn't worth remembering. Do this in the shock phase before you start thinking of trawling their fb wall or smsing weepy/angry/whiny/drunken messages.

5. Switch your phone OFF.

Eventually you'll forget to check it every 2 minutes for the messages you should know are not going to come. Because it is over. O.V.E.R. (Note, that this fixation with your phone signals the beginning of the 'hope/denial' phase. It starts approximately 40 minutes after lover has left the scene. Awesome.)

6. Be in the now, dood.

Feel exactly how you're feeling. But don't become a doos when you get the shot of pseudo-confidence every 20 hours or so; you know, the 'fuck, yeah, whatever, i totally didn't want that stupid fucking relationship anyway'. I mean, feel it, just don't go shouting it all over the city and thumbing your nose at lover if you happen to see them. Because that only lasts for just under an hour and then you're back to being a weepy sack of shit. Unless you hit the anger...

7. Be the rage.

Draw it out for as long as possible - as long as you're doing something about it. This 'something' doesn't involve self-harm, drinking or drugs. Doing something about it means writing your anger the fuck away or doing something physical like running or boxing. As far as possible don't direct this at anyone while you're in that space. You're not out to hurt anyone, least of all yourself.

8. Get the hugs.

Your peeps will be rallying to fill up your calendar. Let them. Every time you freak out about the one person that's not loving you, think about your family and all your mates that are. They don't do that for nothing. They do it cos you rock.

9. Do the cocoon.

Sleep/cry/write/cry/watch happy movies/cry as much you can. It gets the hours ticking by and it allows the dust to settle. At least for a while.

10. Don't dialogue!

Dialogueing is that thing you do where you have these imaginary convos with people. In the B/U case it's always destructive and negative and wastes time. Hum if you must. For some reason I've taken to humming Christmas carols.

11. Be thankful.

Just think to yourself, gosh, lover loved me so much he ended this because he knew, somewhere in that sad pathetic loser wise mind of his, that there's someone way better for me. What a swell guy.

So there you have it. Dot's Fine Art of Breaking Up Without Breaking Down.

Also, read our 5 signs you're headed for a breakup.

What do you do after a break up? Tell us in the box below...

(Footnote: This doesn't really apply to the whopper break up / break down types... generally those require therapy. Mine certainly did. Oh, and wine. And drugs hugs. You'll know it's a whopper because you won't be able to function or breathe properly for weeks.)

For more sex, visit Dot’s blog.
Or follow her on Twitter.


 

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