I think that I was shocked – I can’t recall as I tried to process a broken heart, a bruised ego, and the fear that completely engulfed me as I now realised that I was single (and in my mid-twenties) and this man who I loved irrevocably (it seems) felt that we were better off apart.
Women (and a few men) would agree with me that the speed at which our emotions filter through us is that of a massive theme-park roller-coaster.We move from shock to anger to pure fury to desperation in what can only be described as nanoseconds.
At first, my heart spoke out to him, begging him to reconsider – to work things out with me. Despite the fact that my head kept on saying that this was probably the best thing ever – the heart wants what it wants.Bah humbug!
Then, the anger hit in.. a white hot, fiery anger that saw me shoving my belongings (and things that were at some point gifts to him) into bags while my tongue lashed out at him, hitting him at his core with furious words and accusations.
Not too long after, emerged sensible me, who, while icily calm, opted to be ‘pleasant’ about it, said a swift goodbye and shook his hand and walked to MY car with my head held high and whatever little dignity was left after my ranting and raving.
The drive home included a mental pep talk coupled with chain smoking and a fake smile pasted on my face to the point that I felt my cheeks developed its own abdominal muscles.
Yes, I was going to be fine! I was good – strong, powerful, independent. And very obviously lying to myself.
And then it hit
What followed was a couple of days of sobbing, of torturing myself with what could have been, what should have been, and what will never be… reliving the good times as I lay in bed at night (and during the day), staring at his pictures on my wall… feeling as though I was dying inside a little more with each passing hour.
No Doubt’s Don’t Speak was my break-up anthem and I sang it off-key in the shower, while crying my heart out or in the car on the way to work. Gwen Stefani caught my drift big time when she penned that hit.
But, you know what? I had (and have) this whole big life ahead of me and no matter how painful it sometimes is when I receive personalised invitations to events and I have to call and say that my +1 has changed, I do carry on.
It is not testimony to any Girl Power or Feminist movement or desire, but more so to the human spirit’s ability to recover and to find the moments of happiness that has promise of a better day.
I still love this man – dearly. But I love me more. Way more.
Today I may feel indifferent – yesterday I was hurt. For all I know, tomorrow may not bring a thought about him. However, I am living.
I am not putting my life on hold because ‘people’ say that I need to heal, that I need to wait, that everything will get better in time.
In actual fact, I have a date tomorrow night – one that I am certainly looking forward to.
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