Sex and periods
When it comes to sex and menses, Dorothy Black thinks you should go with the flow
Image: Getty Images
I figure myself to be fairly open-minded when it comes to men. I like to think I’m quite accepting of their otherness and strange peculiarities. But there is one thing I judge them on without mercy – how they respond to menstrual blood.
You know the scene. You've been PMSing off your face and your period is just around the corner. You're bloated and horny and don't know whether to punch Mr Man in the mouth or shag him senseless (while weeping). So you decide to go with the more peaceable route and do the latter (shag him senseless while weeping).
It's wild, it's wet, it's positively primal. And then, Aunt Flo comes to town. Neither of you are aware of this until Mr Man looks down to check the action of his mighty cock and -
Pause action.
The first few nanoseconds of facial expression constitute a defining moment in any relationship that lasts longer than a coffee and ciggie the morning after the night before.
Because there are two ways this can go. The first is, Mr Man is overcome with abject horror that contorts his face and shrivels his manhood before he runs off to the shower like a little pussy; or, he slows down, confirms that he's not, in fact, hurt you with his purple-helmeted warrior of love and then continues with added vigour to bring you to earth-shattering climax.
The former is the reaction of a pubescent; the latter, the reaction of a man. The former is the reaction of a stupid person; the latter the reaction of a clever person.
Now, look, maybe I should reserve my judgment. I understand that this is something of a taboo subject (a squeamish little man actually left the dinner table when we started talking blood and sex the other night) and that some men haven't been educated sufficiently. So consider this another public service announcement for the boys. Direct from me to you. A wee pearl or two for your safekeeping. A little intro into menarchy.
Menstrual blood is neither dirty nor dangerous. It doesn't give you cooties and it doesn't stain your dick. Women are neither unclean nor haloed during this time. In fact, apart from the physicals down sides, many women find they're especially horny; many enjoy bigger and better orgasms; and many find that these OTT orgasms help to alleviate their cramps. And you can bet your bottom dollar that when she's on, there's a fine line between your mate hissing at you and clawing your eyes out and crumbling into a little heap of cuddles and lust. It's generally your choice which way it goes.
The only thing stopping a lot of women from enjoying their sexuality – and sensuality - during menses is the fear that they're going to gross their partner out.
It's a weird double standard that a lot of men enjoy: Here! Swallow my manly juices! Let me relieve myself of my wondrous semen over your flesh! Teabag my sweaty, hairy balls and let me insert my supreme member into every one of your grateful orifices!
Just make sure you're shaved, don't bleed on me and always smell nice.
If there's vitriol in my tone, forgive me. I'm feeling sensitive. I'm probably ovulating as I type this. It's just that this all came to a head the other day when I was confronted by another troglodyte who felt that sex with a woman during flow was 'unsexy' and 'disgusting'. I was so menstrual I nearly punched him. Intead I went home and shagged the new boy.
Point is. In the inimitable words of Lady Lou: 'Boys who don't play when you really need them to, shouldn't be playing at all.' We were sharing war stories and swopping notes about menstrual orgasms and how they relieve cramps.
But it's more than that. It's about intimacy and acceptance. Lou's favourite memory was of a particularly vigorous session that brought on her period. 'Afterwards we sat and chatted and smoked cigarettes; my blood was all over his hands; he didn't bat an eyelid. Still one of the sexiest images I have in my collection.' One of my most memorable orgasms was during flow. And I've had a lot of great orgasms, so that's saying something.
I don't know; maybe I just don't have enough experience with the children to know what freaks them out so much about it. I don't generally stick around long enough to care. At least, if nothing else, it's a sure-fire way to separate the boys from the men.
What do you think?
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