Penis pet names

Top tip: any cute dimninutives are a bad idea. Candylips explains.

In the lexicon of sexual terms, allotting a name to male genitalia can often be a tricky affair. Many times what we females think would be a cute alternative to penis, can call the manliness of your lover's piece into question.

Cute is dangerous...
For example a definite no-no is to say 'ah look how cute, I think I will call it the little prince'. While we may think this is endearing, the 'little prince' may not think so, no matter how loyal a subject you may be.

... but the textbook terms are just grim
A recent poll at the dinner table suggests that most women would like to get away from the word penis. It is way too technical and well, too penile. It calls up images of urination and technical terms from our grade 8 textbooks. Let's face it at age 13, the only reaction that a penis would draw is a chorus of 'Yuck!'

So we are left with the usual 'dick' and the word too many of us still think is too naughty, I'll give you a clue, it sounds a lot like clock. Dick is the name of a childhood story book character who has a companion called Jane, and the word that sounds a lot like clock is normally reserved for the sentence "that guy is a real clock".

So what should we call 'em?
Some men like 'sausage', these same men like to braai. This is closely related to another term advocated by brandy drinking men around our fair country. 'Love muscle'? Hmm reminds me too much of 'Russell the love muscle', lets just say that I wish I had never met Russell, and he can hardly call it a muscle.

The term 'member' makes us feel like we belong to a country club, meat and two veg reminds us that we spend most of our lives cooking for the meat and two veg. There is no point in naming balls, we like to pretend they do not exist.

The 'one-eyed-trouser-snake' is too ambiguous; is it a mamba or one of those little brown snakes that can't bite?

While most men are happy to call the vagina by a name that is often seen in graffiti on a wall in a dodgy area of town (hint: it rhymes with runt). We girls like to be a bit more subtle. In addition we have to be careful not to offend our oh-so-macho but ever-so-sensitive lovers.

It is a minefield; a name has to fulfill so many criteria. It has to be all of the below:

Inspiring – it makes us think of the tallest building in the world
Exhilarating – the very mention of it must suggest unparalleled pleasure
Suggestive – it is huge
A little bit dirty – needs to be sexy for bedroom talk.

Quite frankly I am stumped. Let's face it, it is often times hard enough to find an inspiring, exhilarating dick in the first place, let alone come up with a name for it.

Do you have any names of your own you'd like to share? Cough up in comment box below.

- Women24


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