There’s this really awesome (shallow and patronising) joke I absolutely love. It’s one of the few I remember, probably because I regard it as near fact. It goes like this:
Question: Why are men similar to floor tiles?
Answer: If you lay them properly once you can walk over them for the rest of your life.
Ha ha ha.
Seriously though. Near fact. If you’re one of those women who have grown up believing that the way to a man’s heart is through his tummy, I’m going to hazard a guess that you’re also one of those women who have never experienced the power of giving great head.
See, in my experience, while the way to a man’s heart might be through a whole lot of lovely things like feelings and cookies, the way is made substantially shorter via regular, mind-blowing blow jobs.
‘Cos men are simple folk that way. (Actually, so are women; give your partner some good, good loving and make her feel like a goddess and she’s yours 100%.)
I was a late bloomer to the whole sex thing and my first bj at the age of 17 was a miserable attempt forced on me by a nasty little man with a vivid imagination of mutual attraction. It should’ve been enough to put me off the whole thing entirely.
But I’m too curious to let sleeping peens lie.
So, after a few enlightening experiences of gross (no cheese, please), WTF?! (not so much on you shoving my face repeatedly into your crotch), lock-jaw (good bj does not equal piston-heading) and #FAIL (there is no shame in no orgasm), I finally got the hang of head.
Most importantly, I really started enjoying it. Which, you know, makes a really big difference to the overall experience for both parties. Nobody likes a partner who follows an obligatory annual oral with mouthwash and a toothbrush.
Although, this does bring me to that one big little issue: to spit or swallow.
At one stage this caused me some concern.
For the longest time, the answer to the ‘spit or swallow’ question seemed to be a measure of sexual liberation and inhibition; right up there with whether you shaved your pubes or watched porn.
Truth is though, most women prefer not to swallow and don’t for one simple reason: jizz just ain’t that yummy a snack.
Guys, you might not realise this, but if you drink, smoke, eat red meat or – heaven forbid – enjoy a punnet of chilli with your meals (and don’t wack off a lot), you can be sure that your partner’s going to be on the receiving of a pretty un-awesome mouthful of bad tang.
And how your load tastes makes a big difference as to whether it goes down the hatch or not.
Unless she deep throats which, let’s face it, is a whole other ball game. Lady Lou tried it once in the back seat of a car and vomited all over her one-night beau’s exposed crotch.
It’s a pity she’s not that au fait with DT and concludes her gag reflex so messily, because it would seem that gagging is the new ‘in’ in blow job porn. Simply DTing is so passe these days. Now men want to live out their Dirk Diggalo fantasies when their partners pretend to gag on their ‘gargantuan’ members.
Although both Lou and I are behind on the nouveau-blow movement – she can’t DT ‘cos she voms and I don’t have a gag reflex (and can’t bring myself to pretend) – we’ve had no complaints so far.
I reckon that’s because while in theory men say they’d prefer their partners to gag/swallow, in reality, most I’ve met don’t give a toss and are only too thankful to be getting any head at all.
See, women may bitch that their Mr Mans aren’t giving their ladybits the loving it all deserves, but a lot of those same women aren’t really into the whole cock-loving thing and are a little on the stingy side when it comes to dishing out the salty milkshakes.
And whether it’s cunnilingus or fellatio my plums, good head is 70% technique and 100% enthusiasm.
Some men I’ve spoken to have some very sorry stories to tell.
There are those men who are so worried that a woman’s going to be grossed out by them that they prefer to forgo the whole issue of oral entirely. (Sound familiar ladies?)
Or the guys who’ve never had someone take their time or practise good fellating techniques and have come to believe that they just don’t orgasm on blow jobs. (Sound familiar ladies?)
Truth is, we should all be getting down a little more regularly with a little more zeal. More head means happier people; happier people mean a better world for all. It’s practically your civil duty. And to help you along, check out this article here.
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How do you feel about giving your man a blowjob?